Relationship Rant Thread #4

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Saber, what you describe, the lack of self-whatever, may be a problem. Not something to wreck a relationship, but just to make it difficult. I'm not exactly a self-pity person as you must have noticed, but I don't have that much love or respect for myself and relationships with me are difficult. Self love is probably good not to have, but having a friendship with oneself is a good idea.

2.5 years is a nice difference.

Care not for her friends and whatever they think of you. If they are nice and reach out, meet them halfway or even three quarters way or four fifths or even just totally anticipate them. But if they hate you, don't even think of them.

Be careful with impressionable. Good, kind, compassionate people are sometimes impressionable because they don't want to hurt anyone and they have a hard time saying no. She must make her choices. Sometimes she can't make both you and the friends happy and she needs to choose then. If she goes by friends' opinions above her own, you're in trouble. You just can't have a relationship with her friends. You can only have one with herself.

I don't think she's accusing you of lying, but if you're being accused of lying, I don't think enough trust exists to warrant a relationship.

As for the physical side, you just don't need to do this or that this or that early or late, there's no race and no competition and peer pressure can go play with the bees (on the railway track). If you want my opinion, physical display of affection is very important, but sexual things are better saved for marriage.

Hope you'll get things sorted out the best way for you, whatever this means.

 

No, she is not accusing me of lying, she just doesn't believe that anyone could think she is beautiful (despite having 8 other guys that like her, literally). It is something she needs to overcome by herself (with help from her therapist, I guess, who also obviously does not like me).

But we'll see how everything works out.

 

Saber,
be happy she's off to Florida. Gives you some time to think. I can understand your situation to a degree. I had a g/f who also had issues with herself foremost, and, consequently, with me as well, and that made life for me pretty miserable for a while. It's that old tune: If someone has an issue with you, you have an issue with that person - like it or not.

When you say impressionable, for reasons of peer pressure, or maybe for being not exactly the brightest bulb in the candelabrum, it may well be the problem described will become a recurring pattern.

If among her peers, say, frech kissing and all the other goodies short of sex, or, quelle horreur, sex before marriage, is considered abominable - well, then you indeed went too far too quick. Can't blame you. But as long as her peers are around that's unlikely to change. And if indeed there are literally 8 boys waiting for her I would expect some, say, conflict of interest in the advice she gets.

I guess you need to determine for yourself wether the problem lies with her, her friends and that evil therapist* or, of course, with you being a lying, exploitative and overly sexual guy

*whose job it is to make her feel good about herself. If she tells the therapist you are a problem, therapist will advise to adress the problem. If she sais she feels bad about 'goddies short of sex', therapist will tell her that she should not let herself get forced to do anything - no matter what you did in real life. If she, for reasons of peer pressure for instance, tells him distorted nonsense, she'll get distorted advice in return, until the therapist gets it after a while. I presume the therapist isn't the problem but rather a mere complication.

 

No, he just makes it more difficult for her to completely trust me, because he certainly does not reassure her that I am not a sex-only-driven maniac with a loose fly.

Another thing is that she has the Princess-Syndrome type thing... basically, if something tiny goes wrong with her, she flips out and everyone is to blame. So basically, if I make even a small mistake (as in, one that I have no idea is a mistake), she either flips out to me or complains about me to her friends, who only hear the bad things about me. Of course, she's not only like that, she is a very good person (or I wouldn't be dating her), and while it may seem that I am only complaining about her, that is because there is no need to 'complain' about her good qualities.

And for the records (the multiple ones that I am sure exist...), I am not a sex maniac.

 

She is still very young even though you she might be mature for her age. 2 and a half years is nothing when you're in your mid twenties, it's still a lot when you're younger.

Don't rush things and take it easy. If she cares about you then you should be fine.

I think Chevalier and Ragusa are both right.

Showing attention to her needs and being supportive doesn't preclude sex but sex shouldn't be all-important either.

 

I'm getting myself in sticky situations lately. I'm trying to play the game, but I naturally find myself attracted to lasses with a nice girl personality. I felt like a complete arse over the weekend, because I slept with a girl who thought it was more than I did.. I was only interested in a bit of fun sex, but she wanted more and I had to tell her I'm not interested in that. She got upset, bless. I thought she knew I wasn't bothered about any more!!

I've got my eyes on this lass at work, I've been working on it for a few weeks now and I'm getting somewhere. I'm going to take her to bed before the week is out, I almost guarantee it . She's got me a bit smitten though, so something more might happen there. It's all good.

 

@Caradhras:

I actually believe that truly caring is incompatible with premarital sex, and that sex should be reserved for marriage not as a matter of advice or suggestion but as a stronger matter of obligation. But if we are to develop on it, we should start a thread elsewhere.

 

o.0 Err, guys, it seems that you think that sex is my endgame, which I assure you it is not. For me to have sex with someone, there are 3 main conditions that need to be in effect:
1. I need to be in love with the other person.
2. They need to be in love with me.
3. We both need to be absolutely comfortable with having sex.
None of those are in effect at the moment, although eventually the first two would be nice.

We didn't do anything close to sex, although the act was sexual.

From now on, I will certainly be taking your advice Caradhras (and Chev and Ragusa) and taking it slowly.

 

"A wise man learns from others' mistakes, a fool from his own." - No clue on the orignator

Despite how much I like the second phrase I tend to agree with yours.

 

15 1/2?

Well, I sure damn know that age is irrelevant when it comes to relationship... hell, I had a four year difference with one of my exes, so I won't be the one to rub the age factor in your face, dude, that's for sure.

However... I'll have to agree with the others here - take it slow. 15 1/2 is in my opinion a little too early to get, ahh, physical. It's actually a good thing you didn't scored a homerun.

But I can damn well identify to the friends who hate you - been there, done that. I know how much of a minefield this can be - one wrong step and BAM! Nontheless, as long as *she* loves you, who gives a flying f*** about her friends? Let your actions speak for themselves, and if even that's not enough to warrant some kind of truce, then f*** them.

In my case, some of them actually became good friends, some of them remained cold, some others I beat the s*** out of... you can't please everyone, dude.

Hope everything settles okay for ya - just enjoy things and don't worry about some moronic "friends".

As for the low self-esteem... that part I can also identify to. What is the cause in her case, though? That uncannily sounds like she's been picked on for quite some time... and trust me, I know that part - I still feel the scars.

As for the princess-syndrome... don't put up with that. You're no one's doormat.

 

Saber,
ah, oh, I have just noted that I misread. I thought you 19 1/2 and her 17, and thus I'd like to modify my advice. If she's that young it's very unsurprising if she has a lot of issues. Everybody does at that age, and I think that's completely normal.

Take it slow. There is no rush.

 

@Saber: This reminds me of a friend of mine in a similar situation. The age thing mainly.

I guess it all comes down into how mature she is compared to her age. Mentally. And the same goes for you, Saber. Better take care and give it time. A lot of it. Ages, in fact. Heck, I'm not that old myself, but you're both so very young. A lot can and will happen in a few years and a year might seem to last forever and that sort of thing. But I trust that both of you could make it through, just give it time....

 

Perhaps we should although I must confess that I wouldn't have much to say or to argue about. IMHO it all comes down to a personal choice and/or belief.

If you actually care about (i.e. love) your GF or BF, there's no reason why sex couldn't be synonymous with caring and making love (love being the purest emotion that a man or a woman can have for his or her partner). For the record I wasn't referring (in my post) to one night stands or recreational sex. I do respect Chevalier's point of view however. And I also understand people who may need to indulge in casual sex.

By the way I'm glad Barmy can handle this tricky issue. Good luck with this girl from work, and I hope that it will blossom into a meaningful relationship.

@Saber: I'm 29 and I've got friends my age who started dating when they were in highschool so I can tell you that it's possible for "puppy love" to mature into a serious and solidly grounded relationship. You have all the time in the world.

 

o.0 I only said eventually, love would be nice, I didn't say I loved her (in either form)... I've had it with love for now, because I did truly love someone and she killed me (in December), and I am not over her (unfortunately... it sometimes gets in the way with my current girlfriend. I mean, there is no way I would ever do anything, I just still have feelings for my ex-girlfriend. -.-).

Most of the time, she acts around my age, although there are quite a few moments where she is certainly very immature. As for me, I act my age, although I do mock everything and use immature language ( Immature from other people's points of veiw), but I am able to see things about people/life/human nature that most people don't know at my age (not saying that with pride or arrogance, I just have the ability to think things through and know what goes on.)

Not like her Everyone keeps telling me that her self-loathing is natural for her age, but she is far beyond most people's lack of self-respect. I'm not sure where it came from, but it's been there forever.

I don't know the cause, but it started a looong time ago (before it is supposed to happen... like, elementary school stuff). She has issues with depression, and I don't want to go into details because I feel like I'm about to break into things that are too personal, but it's a tough situation for her.

 

That's it, my girlfriend left me today. Saying she doubted her feelings towards me, that she was depressed and couldn't possibly give affection to an other person. She also hoped us to remain friends. sigh...

I'm so f**king sick and tired of being the « understanding guy». Who the f*ck ever understood me anyway ?!

 

*hugs Ofelix*
Right about now? Half the men in the world.

Also, taking comfort in any of her words is REALLY going to backfire when she finds her next boyfriend. Forewarned is forearmed.

 

Aye, that's something you can wait until you find your next significant other. No worries Ofelix, there'll be someone waiting for you. But words to the wise, it might be better if you never find out how your ex is doing. Might be just rubbing some salt in your wounds. With "just friends" who do that to you, who needs enemies. Steer clear away of heartache your ex can cause you, it'll save you from a world of pain.

 

I can give you the advice given to me: time heals wounds and if you are meant to be together, you will be.

 

It's still painfull... Haven't sleep much last night, haven't eaten a lot tocay.

 

It takes a while, inevitably. Listen to 'Cake - I will survive' to better your mood