Relationship Rant Thread #4

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So, when is the wedding?

 

Well, Iku, bro, from what you describe, I might just need to take back what I said - it looks like something great might come out of this one.

It's also pretty good you didn't pushed things any further, drunk or not, sexuality isn't an all around great way to start a relationship.

But don't worry about your sister... it's possible she might not like that, but you know the old adage "Let my actions speak for themselves". She will eventually see you're serious and everything will sort out, trust me, I know the drill, I have a younger brother.

As for me, I stopped by my bro's place yesterday, and I had an honest discussion, whose subject was, unsurprisingly, my housemate.

My brother believes something great could come out of this, stating the complicity between the two of us, which is true - we fit in like two puzzle pieces - out rather similar personalities (which allow her to be able to put with me, as I'm not easy to live with) and tastes, and the fact that we have a lot of background together.

He says that ultimately, the decision is mine to take, but he is firm that something great could come out of this. He trusts my judgment to do what is best... even though I wish I knew what is the best thing to do in this situation.

 

You're getting in too deep, too quickly mate. Don't put the pússy on a pedestal fella, ends in disaster because you tend to get needy and possessive. Just go with the flow and don't give her much thought.

 

Aaawhahahahaha!

My amazing luck with women strikes out again! It turns out that she's really scared of commitment. Absolutely terrified. Someone's hurt her real bad.

@DoTW, Chev, Barms: You've got it pegged...

It's a good thing I didn't blurt out a proposal already Chev, I almost did and that would've scared her off for good. But her being hurt makes me love her even more and making me want to heal her pain. Save her from the likes of the guys she's been dating before. Save her from the bad relationships she's had a tendency to get into.

Makes me ask a question from myself though: would I end up hurting her like any other scumbag. And no matter how much I'd make promises that I wouldn't, that I'm most likely not like any other guy she's met, I can't be sure. I might be able to save her from somebody else, but could I save her from myself. Or could I save her from herself, since the guys she's been dating can't be blamed for everything.

I do love her so much. Maybe that's why I need to cool this off. We might have a relationship, a boyfriend girlfriend kind of thing if I'd push things further, but I'm not going to play this game the way she's expecting a guy to play it. I'm not going to push this into a sexual relationship. That wouldn't be a gentlemanly thing to do.

In her mind there's only a few ways a relationship can go: casual sex - no commitments; getting into a relationship - boyfriend treats her like garbage; getting into a relationship - making it difficult so that the boyfriend will dump her; and finally liking someone so much that the fear of anyone ending up hurt will prevent her from doing anything - no commitments, will avoid the person she likes as much as possible.

Be as it may, I'm not going to abandon her. We don't have to have a relationship as she understands a relationship to be. I'm more interested what's in her mind than what's in her pants. We don't have to go out dating.

So the only thing that comes up into my mind how to break her script of bad relationships, is by not starting a physical relationship with her. I'll write to her, and keep writing to her as long as she writes me back. So if I either one of us might fall out of love, it won't be as bad as it would be if we'd be a regular couple, or a couple at all for that matter. But I'm not going to quit on her, just because...no exactly because that's what's she's afraid of.

and @DoTW: Good luck bro! Hope you find your happiness with this girl!

And sorry again for the lengthy rant...

[ March 13, 2007, 12:14: Message edited by: Iku-Turso ]

 

Careful there... That doesn't always turn out good...

Just think if you want the girl or not. Saving is something you can do as a friend, or she can do on her own.

Love or desire?

Yes, definitely. Kudos and commendations.

The first one is pathological, the second one is a skewed pattern, the third one is crazy, the fourth one is probably the most out of order in the current, modern world, and it's noble and tragic at the same time. When I said tragic, I meant it. Won't be healed by pushing, but might be convinced out of it.

Cerebral activities are fun. But long walks with a girl at your side are also good. And they can be quite cerebral anyway.

Indeed. She needs to get out of the bad pattern.

No problem. My reply is probably longer at this point, what with all the quotes... Feel free to PM me as well, if you need some venting. Good luck to you.

 

Or both? But whatever it is it's not only lust. That I can deal with. I cannot remember myself being happier as I was during those brief hours I spent with her. That's the hard part I can't cope with so well.

However, I'm acting out my own script with her as best as I can, and that by itself might be rather wrong of me to do. She's another one of my damsels in distress and the more distressed she is, the more interested I am about her.

Luckily, this script of mine can be played, and played well by not getting into a relationship with her. I can try to help her get stronger or be there for her as a friend, and as far as rescuing missions go, I feel that this is the way to go. It still feels the right thing to do.

Bonuses are that I get to know her better, she gets to know me, and I'll be there for her should she ever overcome her problems. I'm not going to expect anything, I won't make demands, but I wont wait forever for it to happen.

Love might fade like the fragrance of summer flowers when the yellowed leaves tumble down from the trees, but I will cherish every bittersweet moment before the fall.

 

That's something you should take care of - there's nothing wrong in being the knight in shining armor sometimes, but when a relationship is a constant rescue mission... not good.

You know what I do when a woman interests me and I want to find out if she will be packed with issues or not? Observe her background, her family, her friends, stuff like that. Those reveal a lot about the person, and can save a LOT of trouble, trust me.

However, I understand old habits can be hard to break, but you really DO need to drop the script and the knight-in-shiny-armor-to-the-rescue-the-packed-with-issues-princess... otherwise pretty much all the relationships you will get into likely will be abysmal failures... as your current one seems to be heading for.

Sorry for being THAT direct, but that's how I am.

Anyway, as for me, I've decided to take a couple days on my own to further ponder as to what will happen between the housemate and me, if anything happens at all. But honestly? It's more leaning towards a thumbs down so far. I might be a cold-hearted bastard, but her friendship actually means a lot to me - and that's what I'm afraid to lose if we somehow decide to push things further.

 

I'm going to second what some of the guys have already told you: you're not her therapist or saviour.

And - yes, yes- I agree with DotW I'm afraid.

 

Aww, sheesh. I knows that...I know...

Wouldn't mind being her therapist though...but fer chrissakes what'm I sposed to do, huh? Just quit on her? Not me. Nuh-uh. She might have issues but so does ev'ryone. Right?

But in any case this'll dry out by it's own if the friggin stars ain't aligend right or sumfing like that. Just by it's own an' I'll be happy an' bite the funfair dust once more in me life with all the elephant turd an' all. There's just so much cotton candy you can handle n' this might be my fifteen minutes of sticky fingers. Aw shucks. I'm just missing her..(ho ho little drunk here if you didn't notice, never mind me...)

 

You make it sound like it's a miraculous occurence... certainly this ain't the first time we agree on something, yes?

Yes, issues are a normal part of life. But let me tell you one thing, Iku... I think you're suffering from a form of Savior's Syndrome. Contained, and to a certain degree, it's not a bad thing. However, you can't save everyone and thinking you can is only shouldering an unnecessary burden. No matter how much good intentions you have, some things can only be solved by the concerned person, and some wars must be fought alone.

Woman packed with to the brim with issues - the type you probably are the most attracted to - make for a relationship that likely will bring you trouble and more emotional wreck.

I was once like you - but now that I've understood this lesson, trust me things have been significantly better.

 

Chev, Uytuun, DoTW: Thanks. Once again you've given me something to think about...

 

Don't listen to anyone else too much. Do what you want. You have to make your own mistakes in life, it's how we learn. Just be careful. If you jump in too early with 'strong feelings' things turn bad. Plenty of time for that later, just chiiiiiiill. Have to play it cool kidda .

Good luck with it anyway. Never be too scared of making mistakes, life's full of them. Sod it, everyone ****s up. No-one expects anyone to be perfect.

 

My sentiments exactly! I made so many mistakes I can't even begin to count them.

 

@Barms: Well luckily nobody else has told me to forget about her, except for her that is...and I'm not buying that she'd really want me to.

While writing something more about the matter I had an epiphany. I was going to write 'It's not that I'd try to change her' but in fact even if I'd consider only helping her to become stronger, I'd be setting out to change her.

Luckily her vulnerability isn't the only thing I see in her. We do have quite a lot in common. Similar aesthetical preferences, love for nature and animals to mention some things that have come up so far and these things mean a lot to me. Then there's the thing that if she'd be a difficult person in general, she wouldn't be my sisters best friend. I've found that my sisters choose their friends wisely.

It's just her dating history that's screwed up and I actually don't want to be just another part of that kind of history. I really don't and that's why I'm cooling it off.

 

Be careful with people with screwed histories. If you are one too, be careful with yourself as well. You know what I mean.

 

DotW, it's just that in matters of love I generally tend to be more optimistic/(naive?) than you seem to be.

Changing people generally isn't a very good starting point for a relationship. Be careful, yeah.

 

Optimistic, yes, naive, no. There is nothing wrong in seeing things in an optimistic point of view when it comes to love, and I'm humble enough to admit I could learn a few things from an optimist such as yourself... I'll admit that cynism towards love has pretty much been a part of me for a long time.

Anyway, after a couple days away from home of pondering and discussing with a few RL people, I've decided against pushing things further with the housemate. It's clear my feelings aren't deep enough to warrant trying something, and I don't want to risk potentially destroying an otherwise perfect friendship. On the other hand, it's possible things might just work out great... but I prefer not taking the gamble. There is just too much at stake here.

So I'll stick with being single. Who knows what life might bring, though... Fate sometimes grants boons at most unexpected moments.

 

@DotW: So much so that it makes you dumbfounded and you're too confused to know what to do. Some people in those situations then try to wreck the setting so that things would return to normal, the way they're used them to be. It's safer that way.

And I'm talking about my lady love (and there was a time I did that as well)...All that time she was asking after me and now that it turned out that I've fancied her all that time she's dumbstruck. She probably reckoned that it'd be so unlikely that she never thought ahead what she'd do if it'd happen.

But, DoTW, you have a plan. Stick to it. Maybe things will work out fine for both of you. At least you get to keep her close, as a friend.

edit: just added some parentheses...

[ March 16, 2007, 12:03: Message edited by: Iku-Turso ]

 

There is this girl I'm 'stuck in the friendzone' with ... I'm not in love, but I certainly like her a lot. In her company time flies. The chemistry is there. When we talk (well, mostly she talks and I listen) at some point I only see her eyes and lips want to kiss her. Which is distracting and confusing. I hope it's not too notable.

 

Oye, I'm back. Last time I left, I think I was talking about how much I was hurting because the girl I was in love with broke up with me... well, I have a new girlfriend now (yes, I know it is quite soon, but I am quite fond of her, even if I am not completely over the other girl). The way I see it, I will never be completely over her, so might as well try to move on.

New girlfriend... we have issues. I don't want to go into detail about her problems, but essentially, she has no self confidence, self esteem, self respect, or self love. She thinks she doesn't matter, and wonders why anybody cares about her. And despite being one of the most beautiful people I've ever known, she thinks she is hideous (beyond what normal girls think of themselves...). And there is nothing I can do (I never expected to, that's what her therapist is for), but it is frustrating because it starts up problems between her and me.

Ok, I am 17, she is 2.5 years younger than me (almost exactly). So that immediately means all of her best friends distrust and hate me. Which is expected, and I can live with that, except when they put ideas in her head that she agrees with. Example: today, we did things 'sexually' (I use the term loosely because it was physical, but not necessarily sexual) that she was perfectly fine with... until her friends got wind of it. One of them suggested that I thought my girlfriend was easy and/or a whore. Now she thinks that, no matter how much it is not true. She is quite impressionable, not necessarily because of her age, but because she puts so much stock in what her friends think and she thinks that she does not matter (so whatever she believes isn't valid, basically -.-).

So no matter how noble my intentions, and no matter how clear I make it that sex is not my goal , her friends (and consequently, her) think I am a lying, overly sexual guy that is trying to take advantage of her. Perhaps we jumped into the physical side too early, or perhaps because I treat her how old she acts (my age, most of the time) so I figured she would be fine with the physical side. But this just sucks because I can't do or say anything without being constantly watched and mistrusted by her friends, and whatever happens, they always have something to say that makes those actions and words bad.

Basically: blargh.