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Hmmm, I don't want to know what the rest were like, I thought my one was bad enough...

 

@Yirimyah - Good one!!!

This is probably a bit old but...
An Aussie, an Englishman and a Polishman rob a bank at night and are on the run from the police. Each one climbs up a different tree.

When the policemen come to the Aussie's tree they hear something from above and yell "whose up there?" the Aussie replies "tweet tweet" the policeman says "it's just a bird and they move the Englishman's tree, they hear a noise from above and yell "whose up there?" the Englishman, having caught on to what the Aussie did, replies "meow" the policeman says "it's just a cat and they move the Polish mans tree. Once again they hear a noise and yell "whos up the tree". The polishman also thinks that he has the idea and yells "moo, moo".


O.K. and for lameness value:
Q. What kind of a fish do you find in a bird cage?
A. A perch!

 

Fellow walks into a pub in Belfast with a plastic bag under his arms.
The bartender asks "What's that?"
"Six pounds of semtex", he answers.
"Thanks be to Jaysus; I thought it was a bodhrán!"

A bodhran player was sick of the band abusing him, and decided to start his own. He walked into a music shop, planning to buy the first instruments he saw.
"Give me the red saxophone and that accordion!", he said.
The assistant said, "You play the bodhran, don't you?"
"That's right. Why?"
"Well, the fire exinguisher I can sell you - but the radiator stays.

Q:What is the difference between a bodhrán player and a terrorist?
A:Terrorists have sympathisers.

 

@Cesard

Those might be funnier if I knew what a bodhrán was.

 

Sorry I thought it was well known like the 'tin whistle' but its an Irish war drum. The bodhrán player is usually the least talented person in most folk bands (usually the singers girl/boyfriend) and thats what makes the jokes 'funny'.

 

@Cesard, my prolific reading has paid off. I understood your joke.

 

I have never heard of a bohdran either. I don't think it is that well known. I went to Ireland and never heard the word mentioned there.

 

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

Sign in a realtor's office: "Lots for little."

Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."

Sign in a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day."

Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." I like this one.

 

Its extremely known in all parts of Ireland so I think its strange that you did not see or hear of one here.

Well done to Ms.Nightshadow

**Irish Mastermind Champion**

Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running. He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise). It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place. On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable. The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.

Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question,

"In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'

Seamus responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?",

Seamus Responds .."Pass"

OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?"

Seamus Responds.. "Pass"

Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the English Nothing...."

_______________________________________________

Two English ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an Irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"

______________________________________________

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and travelled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields. Murphy said, "Where are we now?" The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas." "It's a big place," said Murphy. The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it." And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for Texas!"

 

A Frenchman was making his first visit to London. He crossed Waterloo Bridge, then wandered through Trafalger Square.

"What a strange people these English are!", he mused, "naming their monuments for defeats."

 

Thank you Cesard. I loved all 3 but especially the first.

 

One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin.

"Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?."

"Logic" replied Mick.

"What's Logic?" said Pat.

"Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a GoldFish?" Pat: "I do!"

Mick: "So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick: "So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!" Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions.

An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey!. After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?". Pat replies "He's studying at the University". Shamey: "And What's He Studying?".

Pat: "Logic!"

Shamey: "And What's Logic?"

Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a GoldFish?"

Shamey: "I Do!"

Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!"
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These two lads were in the army. One was Irish and One was Jewish. They were doubling around the square, and when they were halted, the Jewish boy, puffing, said to the Irish Lad, "I hate doubling, Sean."
The Irish lad said, "I'm not too keen on Tel Aviv, either.".

 

Ireland rules, the whole island!

Lyam, Sean and Paddy are going back home after having more than a few pints in their local pub in North Dublin. It's a bit late, so they decide to take a shortcut through the graveyard. After walking for a while, Lyam stops for a pee and starts reading a tombstone.
"Guys, will you look at this?" he says. "This guy lived for 90 years!"
"What's the name?" asked the other two.
"Conor, from Limmerick"
"That's nothing" says Sean pointing another tombstone. "Friend Eoghan here lived for 100 years!"
"Where was he from?"
"Galway"
After a while, Paddy stumbles upon a small stone and reads the inscription. He makes the sign of the cross and says:
"Jaysus! It says 104 in this one!"
"Who's dat?" Asked Paddy and Lyam.
"Miles, from Belfast".

[ February 08, 2005, 17:02: Message edited by: Colthrun ]

 

Thats a good one Colthrun!

 

A priest was giving his Sunday sermon at the church of Ballybackarse. A devote abstemious, he considered alcohol one of the worst evils in the world. Even his mass wine was non-alcoholic. Preaching in Ireland was not easy, being pint-lifting the third most popular sport, after hurling and Gaelic football. This day, he was giving the congregation what he though was a crude enough example:
“Alcohol burns you from the inside like the fires of hell! Take this example. If you took a worm, and put it in water, the worm would survive. Now, put the same worm in a glass of whiskey, and it’ll die in agony!”
He surveyed the faces of the people assembled at the church and saw that Seamus, who looked troubled at the beginning of mass, was now nodding and smiling.
“So, Seamus. I would say that you have learnt something today”, the priest said, savouring victory. “Would you share it with the rest of us?”
“Aye, father” said Seamus, “I’ve learnt that if you have worms, you can kill them drinking whiskey!”

 

Sry if this one has already been posted...

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get adrink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says in horror "Fuuuuuuuuuu*******K duuuude.......how much water did you drink!?!?

 

@ Cesard: LMAO!

The Amazing Goldstein (long joke)
------------------------------------
A travelling journalist is compiling an account of his journey through Europe, and along the way, finds time to attend a local carnival. He enters the big top tent after reading the banner atop it, which loudly proclaims "See the Amazing Goldstein!".

After about an hour of the show, the MC gets on the mic - "And now, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for... the AMAZING GOLDSTEIN!" The crowd goes wild as two stage hands carry a table out to the stage and place three walnuts on it. Behind them, the curtain parts and out shuffles an elderly Jewish man; the Amazing Goldstein. The journalist doesn't know what to make of this. Suddenly, Goldstein unzips his pants and pulls out the largest sexual organ the journalist has ever seen, before quickly whipping it up and down three times, pulverising the walnuts on the table.

The crowd goes crazy, and the journalist makes a note of it - he's never seen anything like it. He goes home, releases his book and talks about it on a few talk shows. Ten years later, the journalist is on long service leave and decides to go for another trip. Sure enough, he finds a carnival which features the Amazing Goldstein. The journalist is amazed - Goldstein must be ancient by now. The show is the same as before, only this time Goldstein has coconuts instead of walnuts, and his third strike breaks the table as well. Amazed, the journalist speaks to the circus manager and asks if he can interview Goldstein. The manager agrees.

Backstage, the journalist catches up with Goldstein and asks him, "When I saw your show ten years ago, you were breaking walnuts. Now you're shattering tables and coconuts as well! Why the change?"

Goldstein blinks twice and smiles.

"Well, sonny... my eyes ain't what they used ta be..."

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From my desk calendar... worth sharing
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"When It All Began To Go Downhill"

Adam, Eve and the animals in the Garden of Eden are enjoying a good feast. Just as the food is settling, the serpent props himself up and clears his throat to get everyone's attention.

"So", he says, "who wants to talk politics?"

 

An Elf walks into a pub and clears his voice to the crowd of dwarven drinkers. He says, "I hear you dwarves are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give 500 gold to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of extra stout back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the elf's offer. One dwarf even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same dwarf who left shows back up and taps the elf on the back. "Is your bet still good?" asks the dwarf.

The elf says yes and asks the pub keep to line up 10 pints of extra stout. Immediately the dwarf tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the elf sits in amazement. The elf gives the dwarf the 500 gold and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The dwarf replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."