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Looking for info for a story and found this gem I thought I'd share. No animals were hurt in the making of this flash movie.

Titanic by Bunnies

 

Ohh, that was too funny kuemper. And much better than sitting through the 3 whole hours of the real thing.

 

A pirate walks into a bar, he has a parrot on his shoulder and and Steering wheel on his belt buckle. Curious, the bartender asks the Pirate:
"I understand the parrot thing, you being a Pirate and all, but whats with the Steering Wheel?"
and the Pirate replies: "Arrrgggg its driving me nuts!"

 

I think that has already been posted, Thor.


Kuemper: great stuff. Far better than the real thing, I agree. HAHA!

 

Doh.. When i finally find one i think is funny, someone has already posted it. Just my luck

 

Two other Google 'I'm Feeling Luckies' to try... ('failure' being the well known one)

French military victories (clicking on the following suggestion is also mildly amusing.)
Liar

The result of an interesting bit of internet anarchy called googlebombing.

 

I'm to lazy to check if this one have been posted before to, so here goes:

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"

The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh..." mused the pirate. "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well..." said the pirate, "It was me first day with the hook...."

 

According to rumors this actually happened....

A frigate was patrolling off the coast of North Vietnam providing interdiction support during the Vietnam war. As they were patrolling a large blip showed up on the radar. Following procedure, a warning was issued over the emergency channel:

"Vessel on my port bow, this is a US Naval Warship on your starboard bow. You are entering restricted waters, protected by the United States. Alter your course to port."

The large blip continued approaching and further encroached into the area patrolled by the frigate, so after a few minutes a second warning was issued:

"Vessel on my port bow, this is a US Naval Warship on your starboard bow. You have entered restricted waters. Reverse your course and leave the area."

The frigate increased speed to flank and rapidly closed the vessel in question. After a few more minutes with no change in course from the large vessel a third and final warning was given:

"Vessel on my port bow, this is a US Naval Warship on your starboard bow. You have entered restricted waters. Reverse your course immediately or you will be fired upon."

To which the large vessel replied:

"This is the Battleship New Jersey. You may fire when ready."

 

Murphy's Law of Armed Conflict

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. There is always a way.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
6. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When you're ready for them.
b. When you're not ready for them.
7. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
8. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
9. A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
12. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
13. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
14. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
15. Friendly fire isn't.
16. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
17. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
18. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
19. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
20. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
21. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
22. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
23. If its stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
24. When in doubt empty the magazine.
25. No plan survives the first contact, intact.
26. The important things are always simple.
27. The simple things are always hard.
28. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
29. Tracers work both ways
30. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

 

This has probably been posted before, but I'm lazy also.

From December 1st, Viagra will be known by it's pharmaceutical (sp?) name.

From then on, ask your doctor for:

MYCOXAFLOPIN

 

@ Lost Meme- hahaha I love that, but here's a fuller version Tips For Being an Evil Overlord . The list continues past the top 100 if anyone has extra time for it... lengthy yet hilarious

 

Hahahaha, T2Bruno, great stuff there

 

Don't mix Christmas presents...

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present. As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to this sweetheart with the following note:


Dear Maria,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair rubs on her ring, which helps keep it clean and shiny; in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many lips will kiss them during the coming years. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.


All my love John.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

 

A man walks into a bar accompanied by three ducks. He grabs a seat at the bar and the three ducks each take up a stool. The bartender heads over and pours the man a drink, before asking him about his ducks. The man replies that he has the only three talking ducks in the world and they asked to come with him. The bartender is a bit suspicious, but decides to address one of the ducks directly.

"So, little talking duck, what have you been up to?"

The duck replies, "Sir, I'm Hubert, and I've had a great time today, because I've been jumping in and out of puddles all day long!"

Momentarily stunned, the bartender collects himself before turning to the second duck and asking the same question.

The duck replies, "Sir, I'm Louis, and I've had a great time today, because I've been jumping in and out of puddles all day long!"

The bartender smiles. He turns to the third duck and says, "Let me guess - you're Dewey, and you've had a great time today, because you've been jumping in and out of puddles all day long?"

The duck snaps, "No, my name's Puddles, and I've had a ****ing awful day!"

 

Two blondes wanted to go to Diseneyland so they organised a date and decided to drive there by themselves. After driving for several hours, they finally came to an intersection and a sign read "Diseneyland left".
So they went home.

 

If this is already posted i sorry..
Top Ten Signs You Just Met the Main Bad Guy

1.Your assassin henchman just wet his pants.
2.The ancient red dragon you had just been fighting says "S**t, I'm out of here!" and flies away.
3.The bad guy just laughed evilly, and seven birds fell dead out of the sky.
4.The DM chuckles, and says "I spent seven hours rolling this guy up".
5.The bad guy burps, and a human toe flies out of his mouth.
6.The DM plays a tape of scary organ music, and starts talking like Boris Karloff.
7.The bad guy is dressed all in black, but has one of those little yellow smiley face buttons (DMs can be sooo sarcastic).
8.You point your wand of fire at him, and it melts.
9.The bad guy keeps Elminster in a cage, and occasionally pokes him with a fork.
10.After the battle, the only Player Character to survive is the one that stayed back in town with the flu.

 

That's pretty nerdy, jA. I wouldn't want to repeat that one in public, for fear of being beaten up for over-geekiness.

 

@jA
No. 5 is totally gross, yet somehow funny...

 

What do you call a cat fight? A hairball
What do you call a bakery that's on fire? Toast
What do you call an ammo dump that's on fire? A big bang

Crappy, I know.

 

no. 9 is the best ever!!! I almost feel out my chair...somebody keeps Elminster in a CAGE!!!