Post for random babbling, possibly with some sense, #4

Remove all ads!

And seems to be in an uncharacteristically malevolent mood as well...


Hi goddy

[This message has been edited by Vukodlak (edited June 01, 2002).]

 

One week of school left for me.

I get to go see a dragon eat some cars tomrow. I'll tell you how it is when I get back.

(Still pissed at NWN.)

 

DSRW? Are you going to the Night of Thrills at Raceway Park? Robosaurus?

/me scratches her head in puzzlement.


Nevermind. That's next week. Stupid radio commercials.

[This message has been edited by Damona Silvercloud (edited June 01, 2002).]

 

Okay, here's one of the last few jokes I have for now. This one is aimed at people from Alabama, Kentucky, Mississippi, Arkansas and West Virginia, so if you're from any of these states, please remember that this is just in good fun, and that I did NOT make this joke up.

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, since they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The veterinarian told him that there was a procedure called a "vasectomy" that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the vet, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are illegal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold it to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the vet, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the vet. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"........"2"......"3"......"4"....."5".....

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, Arkansas and West Virginia.

 

ROTFLMMFAO!!!

hehehehehehe, that was the best one out of the bunch Faerus.

 

[*]uhm, people cheering loud in the neighbourhood ... ... ... football championship ... maybe germany playing ...

[*]/me goes checking the tv program guide ... ah: germany vs. saudi-arabia

[*]Reason for people chering: Near miss , still 0:0 ... Now that I almost finished typing this, cheering again, clearly interpretableas a long "Tooooooooooooooooor!". Germany scores, 1:0 ... oh no, 2:0 ! ... I better go watching before I miss more

EDIT: 8:0 ... hmm, following UT terminology this was no killing spree but a rampage ... or was it domination? ... however france was beaten by senegal - surprises are always possible.

[This message has been edited by Ragusa (edited June 01, 2002).]

 

Faerus

5,7,9 and 11 were so good that I almost laught the sh*t out of me!!!

 

Every have one of those days where your just pissed at the world? I'm having one of those days.

 

Nah, when I'm pissed I'm pissed on myself. But that hardly prevents me from behaving as I'm pissed on everyone else.

A tip: Beer helps.

 

Scotch is the more expensive alternative ... depending on how angry you are I suggest to eat well before you start. Just don't plan anything for the next day.

 

/me laughs after reading Faerus jokes.

 

Don't know if this has been posted here before but heres -

Cows and Governments
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

Some not so good Elephant jokes-

Q: What's grey on the inside and pink and white on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.

Q: Why are elephants large, grey and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be aspirins.

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: Why do elephants wear small green hats?
A: So they can sneak across pool tables unobserved.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four: two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream: "OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO!!!"

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly; there is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: Tarzan's fridge is not large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A: It doesn't, you get down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: What did Hannibal say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

Q: What did he say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing; he didn't recognize them.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants do their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work then.

Sorry but they seemed funny at the time

[EDIT] Just found this one, won't copy/paste it here as this post is kinda long, but anyway heres the link - A Modern Genesis

[This message has been edited by Lazy Bonzo (edited June 02, 2002).]

 

Lazy B.

Some of them were really funny.One or too were cr*a.

 

Finally i found 2 more funny logs (the rest are posted in Post for random babbling, possibly with some sense, #3)

True Call to the Support Line
Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

Support: Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?
Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
Support: What sort of trouble?
Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Support: Went away?
Customer: They disappeared.
Support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Customer: Nothing.
Support: Nothing?
Customer: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Support: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Customer: How do I tell?
Support: Can you see the C prompt on the screen?
Customer: What's a sea-prompt?
Support: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Support: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Customer: What's a monitor?
Support: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
Customer: I don't know.
Support: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Customer: ......Yes, I think so.
Support: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Customer: ......Yes, it is.
Support: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Customer: No.
Support: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Customer: ......Okay, here it is.
Support: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Customer: I can't reach.
Support: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
Customer: No.
Support: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Customer: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.
Support: Dark?
Customer: Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Support: Well, turn on the office light then.
Customer: I can't.
Support: No? Why not?
Customer: Because there's a power outage.
Support: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Support: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Customer: Really? Is it that bad?
Support: Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Support: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

Don't Get Technical with Me
In a humorous story I recently heard, a very "inventive" technician dealt in a unique fashion with an adamant, though definitely misinformed, computer owner. Here's how the story went:

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance.

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer.
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply.
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it.
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command.


For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded:

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes.


About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer.

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22.
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out.


When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again.

Customer: I need a new power supply.
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply.
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.


Phycatriac Hotline

Instructions for Using the Psychiatric Hotline
Hello and welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
Please select the type of assistance that you require and follow the instructions:

1.If you are compulsive/obsessive, - press 1 repeatedly
2.If you are co-dependant - get someone else to press 2 for you.
3.If you are schitzophrenic - a little voice will tell you which button to push.
4.If you suffer from multiple personality disorder - press 3,4,5 and 6.
5.If you are manic depressive, - press any button, it won`t matter anyway!
6.If you are paranoid delusional, - just hang up - we know who you are and we'll get you sooner or later.

Pigeons

A pigeon is for life, not just for Christmas.

Pigeons cannot tell the difference between Cheese Graters and Toffee Apples.

To the ordinary passer-by, pigeons appear stupid. This is because they are.

Nelsons Column is covered in pigeons droppings. Mr Mandela was unavailable for comment about this.

Pigeons cannot eat anything bigger than their head.

Because pigeons have wings, they always feel fresh, dry and confident.

Pigeons are not born ; They simply come free with every densley populated area.

Pigeons are capable of travelling great distances by stowing away in the exhaust pipes of long vehicles.

Until the late 1950's, pigeon were employed in teabag factories around the world to "peck" perferations into teabags.

Pigeons are very enthusiastic. This is why they go "Coo!" all the time. (sir bel?)


Some humorous links-
Advertisements and such
Badly Worded Signs
Worst analogies ever written in a high school essay
More like the above found here - Language and its Abuse

Enjoy

[This message has been edited by Lazy Bonzo (edited June 02, 2002).]

 

LOL!!!!!!!!

 

3 more days!(till schools out)

 

I've a blad ewith your name on it!
(10 days and we'll have an exam!)
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah!

 

More funnies-

How to Read Between the Lines
One of the most important skills for a student to learn is reading between the lines:
Parents:
"Have you made any nice friends yet?"
Have you been to bed with anybody?

"Your father and I are missing you terribly."
The peace and quiet is absolute bliss.

"We've made some changes since you left home."
We've rented your room out.

"Your sister sends you her love."
She's sold your entire record collection.
Freshers:
"This is my favourite shirt, I got it from a sheep farmer in Guatemala."
I've had a year off.

"I drank three southern comforts, two pints of cider, threw up over this bloke and then got off with him."
It's my first time away from home.

"What course are you doing?", "What A-Levels did you get?"
Please speak to me.

"I joined the rowing, parachuting and chess clubs, the Heavy Metal society and the Liberal democrats."
Nobody liked me at school.

"I only came here for the course."
You should feel privileged to know me because I could have gone to Oxford.
Students:
"All the books I needed were out on loan."
I didn't start to look for them until yesterday.

"I had three essays to do for this week."
I've given the same excuse to two other departments.

"I found the title somewhat ambiguous."
I completely ignored it and wrote about something else.

"I tried to give my own opinions."
I haven't read a single book on the subject.
Academics:
"Unfocussed."
I couldn't read the handwriting.

"You have manipulated your material to a frightening degree."
This student is brighter than I am.

"A bit thin."
I couldn't be bothered to give it more than a passing glance.

"Bricks without straw."
You haven't read more than a single book on the subject.

Insurance Excuses

Each one of these insurance claims was taken from an actual form.
They are all non-fiction.

The accident was due to the other man narrowly missing me.

The lorry driver halted and worked for the corporation.

I collided with a stationary tramcar coming in the other direction.

The occupants were stalking deer on the hillside.

I left my Austin Seven outside, and when I came out later, to my amazement there was an Austin Twelve.

To avoid a collision I ran into the other car.

There were plenty of lookers on, but no witnesses.

The water from my radiator accidently froze at twelve midnight.

The accident was due to an invisible lorry narrowly missing me.

I was scraping my nearside on the bank when the accident occurred.

After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in my favour.

I collided with a stationary tree.

There was no damage to the car as the gate post will testify.

The accident was due to the road bending.

The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman but it would be more correct in calling him a garage proprietor.

The other man altered his mind and I had to run over him.

I told the other idiot what he was and went on.

One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from the accellerator pedal, leapt across the lane to the other side and jammed in the trunk of a tree.

I remember nothing after passing the Crown Hotel until I came to and saw P.C. Brown.

A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.

A bull was standing near-by and a fly must have tickled him because he gored my car.

If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself, it would not have happened.

She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we collided.

I bumped into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings.

I ran into the shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.

I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

I heard a horn blow and was violently struck in the back - a lady was evidently trying to pass me.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven't got.

Three women were talking to each other, and when one stepped back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.

I can give no details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at the time.

Wilful damage was done to the upholstery by rats.

A pedestrian hit me and went underneath my car.

I blew my horn but it would not work as it was stolen.

I thought the garage had only four posts, but my car bumped into a fifth.

I was overhauling the car when it was stolen.

A lamp-post bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.

The car in front of me stopped suddenly and I crashed gently into his luggage grid.

I left my car unattended for a minute and whether by accident or design it ran away.

The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.

I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian and the old gentleman was taken to hospital much regretting the circumstances.

I thought the side window was down but it was up as I found out when I put my head through it.

I consider neither vehicle to blame, but if either was to blame it was the other one.

I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault and had been knocked over before.

I looked for the sign but the more I looked the more I couldn't find it.

By the way, I believe if I had lost my head the accident could have been worse.

I was knocked out as a result of the collision and was taken to hospital where I sustained serious injuries.

The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intention.

A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.

The bloke was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In attempting to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing my to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police I was not injured but upon removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea in which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the bonnet of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road and was later found in a ditch by some stray boys.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

Leaving home for work I drove out of my drive straight into a bus; the bus was five minutes early.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel.


Enojy

 

I'm in a senseless spamm mood today ... oops, one more post ...

 

hehe! the god and vuklodak - you mean you ran away from crazy drunken dancing to go onto the boards! Shame on you!