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Jokey Posties

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Blackthorne TA, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. DarkStrider

    DarkStrider I've seen the future and it has seen me Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    What happens then?
     
  2. Mesmero

    Mesmero How'd an old elf get the blues?

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    No idea, never saw the movie. I just copy/pasted it out of the thread from 5 years ago. However, as the movie is about (or includes) transgenders, I probably don't wanna know.
     
  3. Arahar

    Arahar Hmm, it's a dwarf. Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    The movie ended 6 minutes ago.

    567 posts exactly now I must wait for 678
     
  4. iLLusioN' Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon


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    A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

    Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

    After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

    "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

    The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

    The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

    When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
     
  5. Greystar Gems: 7/31
    Latest gem: Tchazar


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    Nice one Arahar ;)

    Some more:

    Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

    When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

    One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

    Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

    * * *

    (Apology in advance to all Australian)

    Johnny Wilkinson goes into the England changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but we've just beaten France and South Africa and let's be honest it's only Australia. They're crap and we can't be bothered".

    Johnny looks at them and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

    So Johnny goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the England team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on.

    A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 7 - Australia 0 (Wilkinson - 10 minutes - Converted Try)". He is beating Australia all by himself! Anyway, the telly goes off and a few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Johnny got on". They put the telly back on.

    "Result from the Stadium: England 7 (Wilkinson 10 minutes) - Australia 7 (Sailor 79 minutes)". They can't believe it, Johnny has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!

    They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." says Johnny. "Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they Only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team. "No, No, I have" says Johnny, "I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

    * * *

    A young man was dating three women and had decided it's time to marry
    and make a decision between the three.. He decided to give them a
    little test.

    He gave each woman a present of $5,000 and watched to see what they
    did with the money.

    The first woman did a total makeover. She went to a fancy beauty
    salon for a totally new look, got her hair done, new make up and bought
    several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told
    him that she had done this to be more attractive for him because she
    loved him so much. The man was touched and impressed with her devotion
    to him.

    The second woman went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a
    new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some
    beautiful expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him
    that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much.

    Again, the man was touched and impressed.

    The third woman invested the money in the stock market and earned
    several times the original $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and
    reinvested the remaining in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him so much.

    Obviously, the man was again touched and impressed.

    The man was faced with a difficult decision. He thought a long time
    about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her and how
    much each one loved him.

    Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

    :D
     
  6. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    Two old friends meet, of whom one is a bachelor and the other a father of eight.

    - How are you? How are kids?
    - The eldest one is a politician and the second also retarded. The third one is a banker and the fourth one has already been in jail, as well. The fifth one is a journalist and the sixth one hasn't finished any school, either.
    - And daughters?
    - The elder one is engaged and the younger is pregnant too.
     
  7. Daie d'Malkin

    Daie d'Malkin Shoulda gone to Specsavers

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    Chev, it took me a while to get that one.


    The Man Laws are fantastic too. It's a subject we discuss often in our English Literature classes, funnily enough.
     
  8. Saber

    Saber A revolution without dancing is not worth having! Veteran

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    Erm, I still don't get Chev's joke. Sure, I get the politician/retarded one, and the journalist/ignorant one, but the engaged/pregnant one? I've been pondering it for a while... care to enlighten?
     
  9. Arabwel

    Arabwel Screaming towards Apotheosis Veteran

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    I believe that the "younger is pregnant TOO" is the key - it impolies that the only reasont he older one is engaged is because she got pregnant :p
     
  10. iLLusioN' Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon


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    yet another forward sent to me..

    >Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
    >words back or that you could crawl into a hole ?
    >
    >Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...
    >
    >*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
    >asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I
    >turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband
    >didn't say a word. He knew better.
    >
    >------------------------------------------------------------------------
    >-----------
    >*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
    >unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
    >several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen
    >who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking,
    >I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
    >-------------------------------------------------------------------
    >*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
    >variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
    >boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
    >just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the
    >boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my
    >sister has never let me forget.
    >
    >------------------------------------------------------------------------
    >----------
    >*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My
    >three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
    >on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in
    >between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
    >enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
    >seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized th at Danny
    >had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go,
    >and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
    >accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! my,
    >are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just !
    >KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting
    >worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an
    >accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and
    >spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30
    >people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled
    >up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking
    >me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
    >-----------------------------------------------------------------
    >*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
    >embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
    >before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
    >A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was
    >supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
    >"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did
    >HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
    >----------------------------------------------------------------
    >While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out
    >peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up
    >waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a
    >message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180
    >degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone
    >buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab
    >your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for
    >the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were
    >laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
     
  11. T2Bruno

    T2Bruno The only source of knowledge is experience Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Those reminded me ...

    A co-worker and I were trying to order various office supplies and were told to go through the secretary in the production department. I requested my pens and my co-worker requested a stapler.

    The secretary -- dead serious -- asked him, "Do you want a stapler for a desk or would you rather have a hand job?"

    Her eyes got huge and face turned bright red, "OH MY GOD!"

    I nearly passed out laughing.
     
  12. Blackthorne TA

    Blackthorne TA Master in his Own Mind Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Did your co-worker sue her for sexual harassment? :lol:
     
  13. Dalveen

    Dalveen Rimmer gone Bald Veteran

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    Q: What do you call a Black postman?

    A: A Postman, you Racist!
     
  14. Arahar

    Arahar Hmm, it's a dwarf. Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

    He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her,
    "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

    She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
    "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

    Little Tony just said "Oh OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

    A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

    "Grandma it is not called sexual intercourse!

    It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."!!!!!!!!!
     
  15. dmc

    dmc Speak softly and carry a big briefcase Staff Member Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Resourceful Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!)

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    Just got this one in the email, don't know how old it is:

    President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air
    Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could
    throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very
    happy."

    Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
    out of the window and make ten people very happy."

    Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills
    out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

    Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
    co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them
    out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."
     
  16. iLLusioN' Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon


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    Little boy's frog

    There was a 12 year old boy named David. He had heard about this house where you could go and have sex with any woman. There was one woman who had herpes. But, she was the most beautiful woman you had ever seen. Most of the town has herpes because they had ****ed her.

    Well, one day the little boy was dragging a dead frog on a string up to the door of the house. When a woman answered he said that he would like to have sex with the one lady that has herpes. Looking astonished the woman agrees.

    An hour and half later the boy is ready to leave. He is still carrying his frog. The woman, curious, asks the little boy why he is carrying the dead frog.

    The little boy responded and said, "Well if you must know, when my mom and dad go out tonight they're going to leave me at home with the babysitter, who is very fond of little boys. When my mom and dad get home, dad will drive the babysitter home and he'll have a quickie with her, then he'll come back home and screw my mom, then in the morning when my dad goes to work, my mom will take a long time in the kitchen with the milkman. And that is the mother ******** bastard who ran over my ******** frog!"
     
  17. Dalveen

    Dalveen Rimmer gone Bald Veteran

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    2 TOUGH QUESTIONS


    Question 1:
    If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids
    already, three who were deaf, two who were blind,
    one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would
    you recommend that she have an abortion?


    Read the next question before looking at the
    response for this one.


    Question 2:
    It is time to elect a new world leader, and only
    your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three
    candidates.


    Candidate A.
    Associates with crooked politicians, and consults
    with astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also
    chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.


    Candidate B.
    He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until
    noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of
    whiskey every evening.


    Candidate C
    He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
    doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never
    cheated on his wife.


    Which of these candidates would be our choice?
    Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the
    response.


    -------------------------------------------------------------


    Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
    Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
    Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.


    And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion
    question: If you said YES, you just killed
    Beethoven.


    Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think
    before judging someone.
    Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep
    reading..


    Never be afraid to try something new.
    Remember: Amateurs...built the ark.
    Professionals...built the Titanic


    And Finally, can you imagine working for a company
    that has a little more than 500 employees and has
    the following statistics:
    * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
    * 7 have been arrested for fraud
    * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
    * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at
    least 2 businesses
    * 3 have done time for assault
    * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
    * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
    * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
    * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
    * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the
    last year...

    Can you guess which organization this is?


    Give up yet?


    It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
    The same group
    that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
    Supprised?


    Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
    a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or
    a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
    American shows on a Japanese TV.

    And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

    Oh and......

    -Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an
    ambulance.

    -Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the
    way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while
    healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    -Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large
    fries and a DIET coke.

    -Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the
    pens to the counters.

    -Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on
    the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

    -Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls
    and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we
    didn't want to talk to in the first place.

    -Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in front of
    a skating rink.

    NOT TO MENTION...

    3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

    142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new
    shirts.

    58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of
    screwdrivers.

    31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

    19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
    decorations were chocolate.

    British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker
    pulling accidents.

    101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled
    out of the soles of their feet.

    18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a
    lit cigarette in their mouth.

    A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years
    after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

    5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of
    Control Scalextric cars.
    and finally.........

    In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the
    toilet.

    I am proud to be British

    IF YOUR PROUD TO BE BRITISH THE U'LL REPOST THIS!

    (We might be British but hell were funny as!!)
     
  18. Arabwel

    Arabwel Screaming towards Apotheosis Veteran

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    You might be a Red-Neck Pagan If...

    If you call the Quarters by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"....

    If your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment on the back....

    If you call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"....

    If you've ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed wacker....

    If you've ever blessed chewing tobacco ....
     
  19. Saber

    Saber A revolution without dancing is not worth having! Veteran

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    Dalveen... I've heard the British jokes with America instead... they all (well, some of them weren't there) make sense.

    'Specially the diet soda one ;)
     
  20. Carcaroth

    Carcaroth I call on the priests, saints and dancin' girls ★ SPS Account Holder

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    After 6 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

    When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

    Routine...

    1) The woman buys the food.
    2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
    3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

    Here comes the important part:

    4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    More routine....

    5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
    6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
    thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

    Important again:

    7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    More routine.....

    8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
    sauces and brings them to the table.
    9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

    And most important of all:

    10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

    11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....
     
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