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Jokey Posties

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Blackthorne TA, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. teekc Gems: 23/31
    Latest gem: Black Opal


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    Jack and Max are walking back from religious service.
    Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

    Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
    So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
    The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."
    Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

    Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
    And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"
    To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means.
    You can always pray whenever you want to."
     
  2. DarkStrider

    DarkStrider I've seen the future and it has seen me Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

    "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
     
  3. Jhonka

    Jhonka This is the face of Justice

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    (http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_20057151.asp)

    If World War Two had been an online Real Ttime Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

    *Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
    *Eisenhower has joined the game.*
    *paTTon has joined the game.*
    *Churchill has joined the game.*
    *benny-tow has joined the game.*
    *T0J0 has joined the game.*
    *Roosevelt has joined the game.*
    *Stalin has joined the game.*
    *deGaulle has joined the game.*
    Roosevelt: hey sup
    T0J0: y0
    Stalin: hi
    Churchill: hi
    Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
    paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
    T0JO: lol
    Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
    benny-tow: haha america sux
    Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
    Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
    Stalin: cool
    deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
    Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
    Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
    Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
    Roosevelt: get antiair guns
    Churchill: i cant afford them
    benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
    paTTon: stfu
    Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
    deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
    Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
    paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
    Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
    deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
    *deGaulle has left the game.*
    Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
    benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
    benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
    Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
    T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
    Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
    T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
    Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
    Hitler[AoE]: wtf
    Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
    Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
    Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
    Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
    T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
    Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
    Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
    Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
    benny-tow: haha
    benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
    T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
    Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
    Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
    Stalin: church help me
    Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
    Stalin: dont be an arss
    Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
    Eisenhower: LOL
    benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
    Hitler: o man ur focked
    paTTon: oh what now biotch
    Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
    *benny-tow has been eliminated.*
    benny-tow: lame
    Roosevelt: gj patton
    paTTon: thnx
    Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
    Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
    Eisenhower: Nuts!
    benny~tow: wtf that mean?
    Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
    paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
    Stalin: rofl
    T0J0: HAHAHHAA
    Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
    Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
    *Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
    benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
    Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
    Stalin: OMG LMAO!
    Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
    *Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
    paTTon: hahahhah
    T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
    benny~tow: shut up noob
    Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
    paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
    Eisenhower: yah me too
    T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
    Eisenhower: fock u
    paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
    Stalin: go to hell lol
    paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
    Eisenhower: yah this is gay
    *Roosevelt has left the game.*
    Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
    Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
    *tru_m4n has joined the game.*
    tru_m4n: hi all
    T0J0: hey
    Stalin: sup
    Churchill: hi
    tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
    tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
    Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
    tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
    Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
    T0J0: wtf is nukes?
    T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
    *T0J0 has been eliminated.*
    *The Allied team has won the game!*
    Eisenhower: awesome!
    Churchill: gg noobs no re
    T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
    *T0J0 has left the game.*
    *Eisenhower has left the game.*
    Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
    Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
    tru_m4n: l8r all
    benny~tow: bye
    Churchill: l8r
    Stalin: fock u all
    tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
    *tru_m4n has left the game.*
    benny~tow: lololol u commie
    Churchill: ROFL
    Churchill: bye commie
    *Churchill has left the game.*
    *benny~tow has left the game.*
    Stalin: i hate u all fags
    *Stalin has left the game.*
    paTTon: lol no1 is left
    paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
    *paTTon has been eliminated.*
    paTTon: o sh1t!
    *paTTon has left the game.*
     
  4. JiggaJay Gems: 10/31
    Latest gem: Zircon


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    OMFG JHONKA THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST DAMN THING I HAVE EVAR HEARD!!!!!!

    You are my hero! Bear my children!! OMFG HILARIOUS!! I was seriously kicked out of the library for laughing so hard, my eyes are so watery it looks like I've been bawling. That was the funniest thing I've ever read...

    Ok, time for my lame joke. Spring is coming, which means I have to cut the grass. I wish it was emo and would cut itself.
     
  5. Rolsuk Fryulee Gems: 13/31
    Latest gem: Ziose


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    Here's a little jewel my friend e-mailed to me:

    It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe

    sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots

    (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


    By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.




    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



    P: Something loose in cockpit.

    S: Something tightened in cockpit.



    P: Dead bugs on windshield.

    S: Live bugs on back-order.



    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

    S: Evidence removed.



    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

    S: DME volume set to more believable level.



    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

    S: That's what they're for.



    P: IFF inoperative.

    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



    P: Suspected crack in windshield.

    S: Suspect you're right.



    P: Number 3 engine missing.

    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



    P: Aircraft handles funny.

    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



    P: Target radar hums.

    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



    P: Mouse in cockpit.

    S: Cat installed.



    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

    S: Took hammer away from midget.
     
  6. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    Oh that is funny, Rolsuk. Had me LOL.
     
  7. Stu Gems: 20/31
    Latest gem: Garnet


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    @Rolsuk Fryulee - very nice, gotta love Aussie humor!

    ok, a young coyboy enters a bar and sees an older cowboy sitting there with a bowl of chilli. He watches and after a good half-hour passes without the older cowboy touching the chilli. The youger cowboy gets up and asks him "Are you gonna be eating that Chilli" to which the older one replies "Nope". The younger one sees his oppertunity and politely enquires whether he would be able to have it, "Sure thing" the older cowboy replies, "I aint eatin it". The younger cowboy promtly gets stuck into into it. As he gets right down to the bottom of it he sees a dead rat, disgusted he throws up all the chilli he has eaten back into the bowl in front of him, covering the dead rat. The older cowboy says "yup thats about where I got up to too"
     
  8. Arabwel

    Arabwel Screaming towards Apotheosis Veteran

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    A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue.

    Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
     
  9. Maurolava

    Maurolava Neither to go back, nor to take impulse

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    :lol: LOL :lol:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2012
  10. Carcaroth

    Carcaroth I call on the priests, saints and dancin' girls ★ SPS Account Holder

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    A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

    Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shaking with fear."

    Lion says: "if I roar on the plains, every animal there runs for their lives."

    "big deal" says chicken, "I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh*ts itself
     
  11. DarkStrider

    DarkStrider I've seen the future and it has seen me Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    @Carcaroth Rofl and so did everybody at work I sent it to :thumb:
     
  12. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    ON JUDGEMENT DAY

    Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.

    They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .

    Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

    Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there "is" a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

    Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 98.
     
  13. Colthrun

    Colthrun Walk first in the forest and last in the bog Veteran

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    A little boy goes to his father and asks
    "Daddy, how was I born?"

    The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!"

    Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

    Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

    We sneaked into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mom agreed to do a download from my hard drive.

    As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said: "You've Got Male"
     
  14. DarkStrider

    DarkStrider I've seen the future and it has seen me Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    Sound familiar?!! Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, here's a handy reference:
    IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
    AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in 8x8 cubicle.
    IN PRISON: You get 3 meals a day.
    AT WORK: You get 1 break a day and have to pay for it.
    IN PRISON: You get time off for good behaviour.
    AT WORK: You get more work for good behaviour.
    IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
    AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.
    IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK: You get sacked for the above.
    IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
    AT WORK: You share a toilet with people who pee on the seat.
    IN PRISON: They allow your friends and family to visit.
    AT WORK: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
    IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
    AT WORK: You get to pay all your expenses to work and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
    IN PRISON: You spend most of your time behind bars wanting to get out.
    AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
    IN PRISON: You deal with sadistic wardens.
    AT WORK: They are called managers.
     
  15. Susipaisti

    Susipaisti Maybe if I just sleep... Veteran

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    DS: :lol:

    Especially the bars!
     
  16. Carcaroth

    Carcaroth I call on the priests, saints and dancin' girls ★ SPS Account Holder

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    Before Computers:

    Memory was something you lost with age
    An application was for employment
    A program was a TV show
    A cursor used profanity

    A keyboard was a piano
    A web was a spider's home
    A virus was the flu
    A CD was a bank account

    A hard drive was a long trip on the road
    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

    And if you had a 4 inch floppy...


    you just hoped nobody ever found out!
     
  17. iLLusioN' Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon


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    A bodybuilder and this gorgeous woman start getting intimate and the body builder takes off his shirt.

    The woman says "wow your chest is so built", and he replies "Thats 100 lbs. of dynamite"

    Next he takes off his pants and the woman says "wow your calves are so muscular" and the body builder replies "Thats 100 lbs. of dynamite"

    so next the man takes off his undershorts and then the woman takes of screaming and waving her arms.

    The man gets dressed and finally catches up with her and asks her what she ran for

    She replied "well with all that dynamite around I didn't wanna be anywhere near it with such a short fuse"


    I'm fairly sure I messed that up somehow but I haven't heard it for a while and did it by memory.


    and now for a rip from bash.org

    <fallenMeSsIAH> damn cops, they piss me off, SHE Wanted to have sex infront of the police station not me, i am an unwilling participant, charge her for rape if it will get me out of a indecent exposure charge
    <BenZor> fallenMeSsIAH: you got laid... consider it a miracle
     
  18. nior Gems: 24/31
    Latest gem: Water Opal


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    My former job required me to travel a lot. And usually we go in pairs. We often tell these stories to collegues who have yet to travel by plane.


    Story 1:
    Heard over the airplane loud speaker:
    "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look outside the right side of our plane, you would see that we have lost a part of our wing stabilizer. If you look outside the left side of our plane, you would see that the engine is burning. And if you happen to see 3 white dots. These are your head stewardes, my co-pilot and myself in parachutes. This is a recording. I repeat, this is a recording."


    Story 2:
    Pilot announcing:
    "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. It is to my dismay to announce that in a few minutes we will be making a crash landing into the sea. For those who knows how to swim, please seat on the right side of the plane, while those who can't, please sit on the left side. Our flight attendants will assists you."

    After everyone is seated accordingly...
    "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain again. For those who can swim, there is an island about 300-400 meters from our estimated crash site, please make every effort to free yourself after the crash, and make out for that island. For those who can't swim... Thank you for flying with us."
     
  19. iLLusioN' Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon


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    lmao thats great nior
     
  20. Greystar Gems: 7/31
    Latest gem: Tchazar


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    Time to resurrect this thread :) :

    http://www.jokesandhumor.com/jokes/39.html

    Funny Bumper Stickers:
    * Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
    * Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
    * We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
    * He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
    * It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
    * Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
    * Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
    * I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
    * All men are idiots, and I married their King.
    * Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
    * Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
    * Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
    * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
    * Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
    * OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
    * Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
    * I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
    * Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
    * Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
    * Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
    * Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
    * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
    * Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
    * Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
    * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
    * Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
    * Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
    * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    * Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
    * There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
    * Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
    * Keep honking...I'm reloading.

    Another one:

    http://www.jokesandhumor.com/jokes/180.html

    Cats and Women

    1) Cats do what they want.
    2) They rarely listen to you.
    3) They're totally unpredictable.
    4) They whine when they are not happy.
    5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
    6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
    7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
    8) They're moody.
    9) They leave hair everywhere.
    10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

    Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

    [ March 25, 2006, 18:36: Message edited by: Greystar ]
     
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