1. SPS Accounts:
    Do you find yourself coming back time after time? Do you appreciate the ongoing hard work to keep this community focused and successful in its mission? Please consider supporting us by upgrading to an SPS Account. Besides the warm and fuzzy feeling that comes from supporting a good cause, you'll also get a significant number of ever-expanding perks and benefits on the site and the forums. Click here to find out more.
    Dismiss Notice
Dismiss Notice
You are currently viewing Boards o' Magick as a guest, but you can register an account here. Registration is fast, easy and free. Once registered you will have access to search the forums, create and respond to threads, PM other members, upload screenshots and access many other features unavailable to guests.

BoM cultivates a friendly and welcoming atmosphere. We have been aiming for quality over quantity with our forums from their inception, and believe that this distinction is truly tangible and valued by our members. We'd love to have you join us today!

(If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us. If you've forgotten your username or password, click here.)

Jokey Posties

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Blackthorne TA, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. Kitrax

    Kitrax Pantaloons are supposed to go where!?!?

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2002
    Messages:
    7,899
    Media:
    74
    Likes Received:
    96
    Gender:
    Male
    Meh...It just goes to show that you Brits can't even handle drilling a hole. :evil:
     
    Blades of Vanatar likes this.
  2. Silvery

    Silvery I won't pretend to be your friend coz I'm just not ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2005
    Messages:
    3,224
    Media:
    40
    Likes Received:
    215
    Gender:
    Female
    And what would you have done dear? Shot it?
     
  3. TheMadMage Gems: 1/31
    Latest gem: Turquoise


    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2010
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Thats why their girls come over here so much ;)
     
  4. Kitrax

    Kitrax Pantaloons are supposed to go where!?!?

    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2002
    Messages:
    7,899
    Media:
    74
    Likes Received:
    96
    Gender:
    Male
    No, as was suggested on Tosh.0, I would swim down there and plug that hole with my d**k!!! :bigeyes:
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2010
  5. Taluntain

    Taluntain Resident Alpha and Omega Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder Resourceful Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

    Joined:
    Jun 11, 2000
    Messages:
    23,166
    Media:
    494
    Likes Received:
    503
    Gender:
    Male
    My, my, what a big duck you must have...
     
    Ziad likes this.
  6. Morgoth

    Morgoth La lune ne garde aucune rancune Veteran

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2002
    Messages:
    3,652
    Media:
    8
    Likes Received:
    86
    Gender:
    Male
    The duck will be a lot smaller at 5000 feet with 150 Atmosphere :D
     
  7. 8people

    8people 8 is just another way of looking at infinite ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran

    Joined:
    Apr 20, 2002
    Messages:
    7,141
    Media:
    74
    Likes Received:
    133
    Gender:
    Female
    [​IMG] Perhaps it is one of the ones from the oasis adverts?

    I can imagine the oil would play havoc with its composition however
     
  8. Master of Nuhn

    Master of Nuhn Wear it like a crown Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2001
    Messages:
    3,815
    Media:
    21
    Likes Received:
    97
    Gender:
    Male
    Tar-feathered duck, wuth umploded eggs. Way to go, Kut! Would your Chuck approve?:p

    Madre de Dios! El pato diablo! (Oh my god! The Demon Duck!)
     
  9. T2Bruno

    T2Bruno The only source of knowledge is experience Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2004
    Messages:
    9,740
    Media:
    15
    Likes Received:
    436
    Gender:
    Male
    I received this in an email:

    In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ....

    On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

    He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

    The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

    Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

    Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.

    The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, carefully climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

    The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    Probably wasn't the same elephant.


    This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming bull**** stories. ​
     
  10. ChickenIsGood Gems: 23/31
    Latest gem: Black Opal


    Veteran

    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2006
    Messages:
    1,601
    Likes Received:
    24
    Sylvester the cat was walking down an ordinary street in the business district. As he walked passed a small law firm (Deacon & Hayes) he looked at the window and saw a notice:

    WANTED
    Bilingual secretary​

    Recently having been down on his luck, Sylvester decided to walk in and take a chance. He quickly noticed the applications that were stacked in a reception area and set to work.

    After filling out the application the best he could (cat's don't have social security numbers, so that section was blank) he dropped it off at the front desk with a post-it attached. On this note it said that due to the complications of contacting a stray cat (no permanent address or phone number) he would stop by the next day for any news on the job.

    The next day Sylvester barely had time to open the door before Mr. Hayes enthusiastically greeted him. You see, the senior partner was a man who felt strongly in hiring the most skilled employees, regardless of their background. He did have some hesitations over this applicant being a cat, but if the resume was accurate it didn't matter. Soon enough he was able to convince Deacon (who's more of a conservative when it comes to cat's in the workplace) to sign on the move.

    One thing still needed answered as Mr. Hayes led Sylvester into the primary office to officially hire him (such was his enthusiasm). After quickly taking a seat he said that the application didn't cover the bilingual requirement and asked Sylvester if he spoke a second language.

    The cat just gave a nod before replying,
    "Arf."

    ...

    This is a shameless expansion of my grandpa's favorite joke about the bilingual dog.
     
  11. LKD Gems: 31/31
    Latest gem: Rogue Stone


    Veteran

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2002
    Messages:
    6,284
    Likes Received:
    271
    Gender:
    Male
    To honor the recent elections, I post this. I'm sure it's been posted before.


    Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southern Republican (Redneck)?

    Here is a little test that will help you decide.

    The answer can be found by posing the following question:



    You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
    and two small children..

    Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife
    comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
    screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife,
    and charges at you.

    You are carrying a
    Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

    You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
    What
    do
    you do?

    ................................................................

    THINK CAREFULLY AND
    THEN SCROLL DOWN:


    Democrat's
    Answer :


    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
    Does the man look poor, oppressed or have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome?

    Have I ever done anything to him
    that would inspire
    him to attack?

    Could we run away?

    What does my wife think?

    What about the kids feelings?


    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
    and knock the knife out of his hand?

    What does the law say about this situation?

    Would Speaker Pelosi, Harry Reid, Obama, CNN approve of my actions?

    What is the politically correct consensus anyway?
    Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
    Hey,
    why would "I" be carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
    of message does this send to society and to my children?

    Was the gun purchased at a gun show and legally registered with the FBI?

    Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

    Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
    he be content just to wound me?

    If I were to grab his knees and hold
    on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

    Shouldn't I just call
    9-1-1?

    Aren't the police supposed to save us?
    Maybe we should form an armed 'Civilian Defense Corp' to rat out the bad guys!

    Why is this street so deserted?
    We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
    and make this a happier, healthier street that
    would discourage such behavior...

    This is all so confusing!
    I need to debate this with some friends over a latte' and try to come to a consensus.

    .......................................................................


    Republican's
    Answer:


    BANG!


    ..................................................................


    Southern Republican's Answer:


    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    BANG !
    Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
    BANG! BANG!
    BANG! Click
    Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester
    Silver Tips or Hollow Points?
    Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?'
    Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
     
  12. T2Bruno

    T2Bruno The only source of knowledge is experience Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2004
    Messages:
    9,740
    Media:
    15
    Likes Received:
    436
    Gender:
    Male
    The true redneck son is complementing his dad on the modification of the weapon to give it a nine round magazine instead of the factory seven round capacity.
     
  13. Barmy Army

    Barmy Army Simple mind, simple pleasures... Adored Veteran

    Joined:
    May 26, 2003
    Messages:
    6,586
    Media:
    2
    Likes Received:
    162
    If World War One was a bar Fight...

    Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
     
    LKD and dmc like this.
  14. Silvery

    Silvery I won't pretend to be your friend coz I'm just not ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2005
    Messages:
    3,224
    Media:
    40
    Likes Received:
    215
    Gender:
    Female
    :lol:
     
  15. dmc

    dmc Speak softly and carry a big briefcase Staff Member Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Resourceful Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!)

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2001
    Messages:
    8,556
    Media:
    88
    Likes Received:
    370
    Gender:
    Male
    And rep'd for that. :)
     
  16. nior Gems: 24/31
    Latest gem: Water Opal


    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2001
    Messages:
    1,778
    Likes Received:
    11
    Now that's funny. :D
     
  17. rightnwrong Banned

    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2010
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    At first, I thought there wasn't a joke posted here but when I was in the middle of the thread, I'd notice that there are jokes that are so funny. Can't stop laughing on them. :D
     
  18. LKD Gems: 31/31
    Latest gem: Rogue Stone


    Veteran

    Joined:
    Aug 13, 2002
    Messages:
    6,284
    Likes Received:
    271
    Gender:
    Male
    Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2011 it will begin offering customers a new discount item... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

    The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price in the $2 to $5 range.

    Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'

    Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Walmart wine brands and varieties. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

    10. Chateau Traileur Parc
    9. White Trashfindel
    8. Big Red Gulp
    7. World Championship Riesling
    6. NASCARbernet
    5. Chef Boyardeaux
    4. Peanut Noir
    3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
    2. Grape Expectations
    1. Nasti Spumante

    The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

    P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.
     
  19. T2Bruno

    T2Bruno The only source of knowledge is experience Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2004
    Messages:
    9,740
    Media:
    15
    Likes Received:
    436
    Gender:
    Male
    A Tale of Two Coyotes

    California

    The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

    1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi", then realizes he should stop, the coyote is only doing what's natural.
    2. He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
    3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for disease.
    4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for disease from the coyote and for getting his bite wound bandaged.
    5. The running trail is shut down for 6 months, while Fish & Game conducts their $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.
    6. The Governor next spends $50,000 in state funds, implementing a "Coyote Awareness" program for residents of the area.
    7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease, throughout the world.
    8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not somehow stopping the attack and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.
    9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training "The Nature of Coyotes".
    10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the state.

    Texas

    The Governor of Texas is jogging, with his daughter's dog, along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out to attack her dog.

    1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his Ruger LCP that he keeps with him at all times and keeps jogging.
    2. Texas buzzards eat the dead coyote.

    The Governor has spent $0.35 on a .380 ACP hollow-point cartridge. Ruger hears of it and puts out a special edition of the "Coyote Special". My friend Skip and I buy one and the Govornor signs the box for us giving us a collectors piece.

    And that, my friends, is why California is broke.
     
  20. Blackthorne TA

    Blackthorne TA Master in his Own Mind Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2000
    Messages:
    10,353
    Media:
    40
    Likes Received:
    220
    Gender:
    Male
    So true it's not even a joke! :)
     
Sorcerer's Place is a project run entirely by fans and for fans. Maintaining Sorcerer's Place and a stable environment for all our hosted sites requires a substantial amount of our time and funds on a regular basis, so please consider supporting us to keep the site up & running smoothly. Thank you!

Sorcerers.net is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to products on amazon.com, amazon.ca and amazon.co.uk. Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates.