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Jokey Posties

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Blackthorne TA, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. Dalveen

    Dalveen Rimmer gone Bald Veteran

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    A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

    The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

    The old farmer told him he had buried them.

    The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

    The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
     
  2. Dalveen

    Dalveen Rimmer gone Bald Veteran

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    A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

    She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

    The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

    The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
     
  3. Dalveen

    Dalveen Rimmer gone Bald Veteran

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    A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

    The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn''t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

    The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn''t want that room, and they moved on.

    The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

    The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"
     
  4. Montresor

    Montresor Mostly Harmless Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    Radio communication:
    A: On collision course. Change your course immediately. Over.
    B: According to naval law YOU should change course. Over.
    A: I'm afraid that is not possible, you will have to change course. Over.
    B: Listen her, mate, this is an aircraft carrier, and we have naval law on our side. THIS IS AN ORDER - CHANGE YOUR COURSE IMMEDIATELY. Over.
    A: And this is a lighttower. Over!
     
  5. T2Bruno

    T2Bruno The only source of knowledge is experience Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Reminds me of a story I heard while in the Navy....

    A US frigate was operating in the Tonkin Gulf during the Vietnam war. It was assigned a specific area to patrol -- an area of water often used for weapon deliveries to the Viet Cong.

    A large object appeared on the radar and the frigate sped to intercept. A traditional warning was issued:

    "Vessel off my port bow, this is the US Naval Warship off your port bow. You are approaching restricted waters protected by the United States of America. Alter your course to avoid entering restricted waters."

    There was no response. The frigate maneuvered to close the unknown vessel as it continued into the restricted area of the Tonkin Gulf. A second warning was issued:

    "Vessel off my port bow, this is the US Naval Warship off your port bow. You are entering a war zone and are in extreme danger. Alter course immediately."

    There was still no response. At this point the frigate went to battle stations, manning it's 5" gun mount and multiple 40mm and 50 cal gun mounts. Missiles were put on the rails. The ship increased flank speed to close the unknown vessel as quickly as possible. Extreme force was authorized to prevent weapons from entering in-country and the frigate was prepared to use whatever force was necessary to fulfill their mission. A final warning was issued:

    "Vessel off my port bow, this is the US Naval Warship off your port bow rapidly closing your position. You are in violation of entering a war zone protected by the United States of America. Come about immediately or you will be fired upon."

    After a moment a response finally came from the unknown vessel. A lazy southern drawl came across the radio with no trace of concern for the immediate danger the frigate and her massive weapon systems posed:

    "This is the Battleship New Jersey. You may fire when ready."
     
  6. Carcaroth

    Carcaroth I call on the priests, saints and dancin' girls ★ SPS Account Holder

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    David Bissonette

    When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


    Sacha Guitry

    After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.


    Socrates

    By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

    Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.


    Dumas

    The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?


    Sigmund Freud

    I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.


    Anonymous

    'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'


    Sam Kinison

    'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'


    James Holt McGavran

    'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'


    Patrick Murray

    Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
    1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
    2. Whenever you're right, shut up.


    Nash

    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...


    Anonymous

    You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.


    Henny Youngman

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.


    Rodney Dangerfield

    A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.


    Anonymous

    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'


    Anonymous

    First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
    Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
     
  7. Montresor

    Montresor Mostly Harmless Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    Dear Sir,

    Thank you very much for a most fascinating meeting while you were serving as the General Manager of Aimless, Inc.
    I am extremely grateful to you and have followed your impressive career over the last eight years - five management jobs in eight years! You are a most interesting person with an enormous ego drive. You really knew how to inspire and encourage me. Indeed, you sparked thoughts within me which I had never had before.

    You made me value myself, you gave me self-confidence and self-respect.
    You made me believe in my idea and I was almost bubbling with enthusiasm as I left your office.
    You made me feel so full of energy and drive.
    I was so hooked on my idea after meeting you.
    I want you to know that it was you who gave me the idea for my new book, which has now been translated into seven languages and has made me a millionaire.
    I couldn't have written this book if I hadn't followed your career closely. Of course you couldn't know who was behind the pseudonym.
    I am so terribly sorry I broke the glass in your door when I left your office. And I am sorry you lost your new job when my book was published.
    We would like to thank you for your application for the post as janitor, but regret to inform you that the position has been already been filled.
     
  8. T2Bruno

    T2Bruno The only source of knowledge is experience Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    As a husband and his wife are in the bathroom getting ready to go to bed, the wife starts to examine her chest.

    "Do you think I should get an enlargement?"

    The husband thinks carefully about the entire process -- the pain , the costs, the rewards -- and states, "If you really want to, but you might want to try something else first."

    This gets the wife curious, "What can I do instead?"

    The husband hands her a piece of toilet tissue and says, "Rub this between your breasts."

    The wife decides to humor her husband, grabs the tissue and wipes as directed. "Just how is this supposed to increase the size of my breasts?"

    "I don't know, but it worked for your butt."
     
  9. Morgoth

    Morgoth La lune ne garde aucune rancune Veteran

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    Here is a joke that I learned from my Polish friends:

    Q: What is the similarity between Heineken and having sex in a canoe?
    A: It's f***ing close to water.
     
  10. Montresor

    Montresor Mostly Harmless Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    An Irishman enters a pub in Dublin, orders three pints and sits down at the back of the room, sipping each of his three pints one after the other.
    When he is finished, he returns to the bar to order another round.
    The bartender tells him, "You know, a pint gets a little flat when you leave it for too long. They would taste better if you drank them one at at time."
    "Well, you see," says the Irishman, "I have two brothers. One is in America and the other is in Australia, and I am here in Dublin. When we left home, we promised each others we'd always drink like this in memory of the time we were drinking together."
    The bartender realises that this is a beautiful tradition.
    The Irishman soon becomes a regular and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints at a time and switches between them.
    One day he enters the bar and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and become very quiet.
    When he returns to the bar for another round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on you, but I would like to condole on your great loss."
    The Irishman looks at the bartender, confused for one moment, then he understands and laughs:
    "Oh no," he says, "Everybody's fine. It's just that I have quit drinking."
     
  11. Loreseeker

    Loreseeker A believer in knowledge Veteran

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    I always liked that joke. :D Nice one, Montresor
     
  12. Montresor

    Montresor Mostly Harmless Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    An old rich man, with a weak heart, asks his doctor to search the world fo the best donor heart. Money is no problem.

    A few days later the doctor calls to tell him that he has found three hearts, but they are all terribly expensive.

    The old man repeats that money is no problem and asks the doctor to tell him about the hearts.

    - Well, the first one belonged to a 22 year old marathon runner who never smoked, only ate health food and was in excellent shape when he was run over by a bus. There was no damage to the heart but it cost $100,000!

    The old man ignores the comment about the price and asks about the second donor.

    - This heart belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer with straight A's in high school. He drowned after hitting his head on the edge of the pool. This heart costs $150,000.

    - OK, says the old man, and what about the third one?

    - Well, it belonged to a 58 year old man who smoked 3 packs of cigarettes a day, weighed more than 150 kilos, never exercised and drank like a hole in the ground ... this heart costs $500,000!

    - $500,000?? says the old man, why is it so expensive?

    - This heart belonged to a lawyer, so it has never been used.......
     
    Loreseeker likes this.
  13. Kerfuffle Gems: 1/31
    Latest gem: Turquoise


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    That's hilarious :lol:

    Anyway, did hear the Islamic High Council of Iraq is considering a merger of Sunni and Shi'a? They're going to call it Sushi.
     
  14. Ziad

    Ziad I speak in rebuses Veteran

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    This is hysterically funny :lol: :shake:
     
  15. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    Good jokes, folks. :)

    I'm going to go out a limb here because this is a joke made up by me. (I think)

    G. Bush, Jr goes to Purgatory. An angel show him his accomodations confortable but not fancy then tells him that King Henry VIII is on his right and Bill Gates is on his left.

    Bush wanders around a bit, shakes his head and decides to check out what is outside. He goes out and seets King Henry and Gates chatting. They greet him.

    He looks around at the rather stark landscape.

    I" just don't understand why I'm here and not in heaven. I only did what God told me to do."

    King Henry replies with a snort, "You don't understand? Why am I here? I only did what I told God was what should be done."

    Bill Gates moans, "You two? What about me. I'm God."
     
  16. T2Bruno

    T2Bruno The only source of knowledge is experience Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    This news just in:

    All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday.

    A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.
     
  17. Taluntain

    Taluntain Resident Alpha and Omega Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder Resourceful Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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  18. Montresor

    Montresor Mostly Harmless Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    [​IMG] :lol:

    Speaking of Wal-Mart, I heard that George W. Bush spent an entire afternoon there following his inauguration.

    He had been told he had to choose a new cabinet...
     
  19. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    :lol: Good one, Montresor.
     
  20. T2Bruno

    T2Bruno The only source of knowledge is experience Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Another item from my inbox....

    A woman walks up to a pharmacist and ask for some arsenic. The pharmacist is taken back by the request and asks, "What do you need arsenic for?"

    The woman replies, "I'm going to kill my husband with it."

    The pharmacist can't believe the woman would ask for such a thing and starts to berate her for even thinking of killing another person. The woman listens calmly to the pharmacist, reaches into her purse, pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and hands it to the pharmacist.

    The pharmacist studies the picture for moment and says, "Well that's a different matter. You should have told me you had a prescription."
     
    Montresor likes this.
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