Jokey Posties

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>Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business
>function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees
>is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
>next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in
>front of him, all clean and pressed. He then looks around the room and
>sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of
>the house.
>
>He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring
>back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:
>
>"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love
>you!!"
>
>He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
>the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
>"Son...what happened last night?"
>
>"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke
>the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you
>ran into the door."
>
>"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose
>and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
>
>His son replies, "OH, THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when
>she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, ***ch,
>I'm married!!!".
>
>
>Broken table - $200
>Hot breakfast - $5
>Red Rose bud - $3
>Two aspirins - $0.25
>
>Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

a little sports joke too...probably won't really get this unless your a football fan(american)...I'd be willing to bet Aldeth will like this

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Popemobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Pittsburgh Steeler jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Bengals fan from the water. Then using baseball bats, the three heroes in black & gold beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat also.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Bengals and Steelers fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "Catholics believe that he is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom." "Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know much about shark fishing - how's the bait holding up?"

[ July 11, 2007, 09:00: Message edited by: iLLusioN' ]

 

Short and sweet


HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

Q: How many skin divers does it take to circumcise a whale?
A: Four skin divers

 

Short and Evil.

Heard from a 8 year old:
"My little brother once asked my what happens when you die. I told him that we get buried and the worms eat our bodies. I didn't tell him the truth, that most of us would wind up in hell and burn forever, cause I didn't want to make him upset"

 

If you identify with Dilbert then you'll probably have a list like this (especially if your specific job involves 'customer service'):

Things we would all like to say
------------------------------------
01. I can see your point, but you're still full of it.
02. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
03. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

 

FUNERAL PROCESSION

A man was leaving a convenience store with his
morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking
a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance
back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He
respectfully approached the man walking the dog and
said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second
hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

 

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean,sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, and one of Ken's friends."

[ September 06, 2007, 16:42: Message edited by: Colthrun ]

 

lol nice colthrun


Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done
when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

________________________________________________

> The Dog
>
>
> 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
> 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
> 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
> 12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
> 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
> 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
> 5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
> 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
> 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
> 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
>
> The Cat
>
> It is day 983 of my captivity.
>
> My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
>They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
>hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
>rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
>keep up my strength.
>
> The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
>
> In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
>
> Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
>I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
>demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending
>comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.
>
> There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
>placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
>could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement
>was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how
>to use it to my advantage.
>
> Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
>tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
>again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
>
> I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
>The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to
>be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
>
> The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards
>regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have
>arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For
>now...

[ September 06, 2007, 21:32: Message edited by: iLLusioN' ]

 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving [expletive deleted] at the Post Office.

Sincerely,

Edna

 

Not really a joke but funny all the same.

>
> I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I
> gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to
> her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her
> the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated
> and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her
> the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the
> $46.64.
> This actually happened to me in Austin.
> .................They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
>
>
> I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
> sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
> chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already
> buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She
> handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
> .................They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.
>
>
> One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them
> shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
> said, "Where?"
> .................They Walk Among Us!
>
>
> While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
> direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
> him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When
> my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
> sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that
> stuff."
> ................They Walk Among Us!!
>
>
> I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
> got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
> open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
> a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end
> the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
> .................They Walk Among Us!
>
>
> My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
> seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
> .................They Walk Among Us!
>
>
> My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
> discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
> multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
> .................They Walk Among Us!
>
>
> I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
> lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
> up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
> professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your
> plane arrived yet?"
> .................They Walk Among Us!
>
>
> While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
> to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
> it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
> responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough
> to eat 6 pieces.
> ................Yep, They Walk Among Us!

 

That's exactly what I thought montresor

 

That's because They Walk Among Us!

 

Not really a joke, just a quote from bash, but I woke up the entire house at 2 in the morning laughing at this. Maybe because I'm a military kid, I dunno. It has a bit of vulgar language so if it's overboard I'm sorry Tal, just let me know and I'll fix it.

[snip]

[I'm not sure you can prettify that up enough, sorry. -Tal]

[ September 20, 2007, 15:22: Message edited by: Taluntain ]

 

Just heard this blond joke for the first time:

A blond is reading a newspaper on a buss. The man sitting next to her notices that the article she was reading had caused her to become quite emotional. He leaned over to see the headline. It read, "12 Brazilian troops killed."

The blond noticed the man, and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Heh...stupid blond.

 

Good joke, but it was better when it was about Bush.

 

Not really a joke but it made me smile. Really wish I could have seen the look on this morons face when he saw the response.

A Wake Up Call From Luke AFB, AZ

Luke AFB is west of Phoenix and is rapidly being surrounded by civilization that complains about the noise from the base and its planes, forgetting that it was there long before they were.

A certain lieutenant colonel at Luke AFB deserves a big pat on the back. Apparently, an individual who lives somewhere near Luke AFB wrote the local paper complaining about a group of F-16s that disturbed his/her day at the mall. When that individual read the response from a Luke AFB officer, it must have stung quite a bit.
The complaint:
'Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base: Whom do we thank for the morning air show? Last Wednesday, at precisely 9:11 a.m., a tight formation of four F-16 jets made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing west over Bell Road at approximately 500 feet. Imagine our good fortune! Do the Tom Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake-up call, or were they trying to impress the cashiers at Mervyns early bird special? Any response would be appreciated.'
The response:
Regarding 'A wake-up call from Luke's jets' (Letters, Thursday): On June 15, at precisely 9:12 a.m., a perfectly timed four-ship flyby of F-16s from the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt. Jeremy Fresques.
Capt. Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial Day. At 9 a.m. on June 15, his family and friends gathered at Sunland Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband, son and friend.
Based on the letter writer's recount of the flyby, and because of the jet noise, I'm sure you didn't hear the 21-gun salute, the playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques as I gave them their son's flag on behalf of the President of the United States and all those veterans and servicemen and women who understand the sacrifices they have endured. A four-ship flyby is a display of respect the Air Force pays to those who give their lives in defense of freedom. We are professional aviators and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15 what the letter writer witnessed was four officers lining up to pay their ultimate respects.
The letter writer asks, 'Whom do we thank for the morning air show?' The 56th Fighter Wing will call for you, and forward your thanks to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques, and thank them for you, for it was in their honor that my pilots flew the most honorable formation of their lives.
Lt. Col. Scott Pleus
CO 63rd Fighter Squadron
Luke AFB

 

Lol...nice. If I were in his position, I would have added, "Since you seemed to like the flyby so much, I've taken the liberty of looking your address up, and would like to inform you that we've modified our flight plans so all aircraft will now fly directly over your house on every return to the base."