Jokey Posties

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Ha. That's a good one

 

Bush advisor: Sir, the Brazilians have just announced they are sending troops to support our mission in Iraq.

Bush: That's great! How many is a Brazilian?

 

A 3 seater Cesna crashed into an Irish cemetary recently. It has been labelled the worst crash in Irish history, as authorities have found over 300 bodies so far and continue to recover more bodies.

****

How do you drive an auditor completely insane?

Tie him to a chair and fold a map up the wrong way in front of him.

 

revmaf: that looks like the Garry Shandling version of the joke.

 

Number 1:

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started
swearing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants
for breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mom, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, " but it won't be f**king Coco Pops."

Number 2:
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

Apparently doses of Viagra are now given out with Prozac, so if you dont get a f*ck, you dont give a f*ck.

 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
-----------------------------
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
------------------------
A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'
------------------------
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
----------------------------------
The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered
lines.

 

lol

The jokes illusion posts can always brighten a day.

 

some bash quotes

justsara: so, i started a new job today
justsara: one of my co-workers, feels like i've known him for years
a2so4: Where are you working now?
justsara: CSO
* sillyme has joined #random
sillyme: I had the strangest day at work.
sillyme: The new girl started today.
sillyme: Seems nice enough, but looks like a ****ed-out whore.
a2so4: You work for CSO, right?
sillyme: Yeah, why?
justsara: that was me, *******
---------------
<Zakk> Lash you are crossing a train track and you find a naked woman tied to it and a train is comeing. Is this awesome?
<Lash2828> Of course
<Lash2828> Stupid question
<Zakk> even though shes going to get killed by the train
<Lash2828> How long untill the train hits?
<Zakk> like
<Zakk> 1 minute
<Lash2828> Thats enough for me.
----------------
<Biff> News of the World is reporting that Angelina Jolie is planning to adopt for the fourth time, just weeks after she adopted a 5-year old boy from Vietnam. She has also adopted Maddox from Cambodia and Zahara from Ethiopia and she of course has Shiloh, her natural daughter with her boyfriend Brad Pitt. Now Jolie wants to adopt a girl from Chad to "balance the family."
<Biff> she's collecting kids from other countries as if they were pokemon

 

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

Good one, nior.

 

What does Virginia tech and Antarctica have in common?


They are both minus 32


-


*PARTY TONIGHT*

Virginia Tech.

Free Shots for everyone!

 

Q. Whats funnier than a dead baby?
.
.
.
.
A. A dead baby in a clown suit.

 

@ Stu: Not good

 

Even lower than BA's. When I was eight I had a newborn sister that died. Dead baby humor, is an oxymoron.

 

Three things on which to ponder:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

Cows

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our
government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three
years ago,right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of
Washington? And, they tracked her calves to, their stalls. But
they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

The Constitution
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why
don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really
smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using
it anymore.

The Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in
a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a
building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a
hostile work environment.


Post office Job
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, " Have you been in the service?"

Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow.
Come in at 10:00A.M. "

The guy is puzzled and says,
"If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want
me to come in at 10:00 A.M. ?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

 

Arahar you have me :ROTFLMAO:

 

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
>lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
>Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
>interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
>little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
>100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
>supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
>assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
>
>WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
>loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
>Nothing!
>I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
>pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch
>of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
>
>Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
>face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
>thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
>batteries right?!!
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
>needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
>I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
>and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
>give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
>some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
>taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
>and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
>muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
>would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
>water.
>
>Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
>less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
>itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
>
>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm
>sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
>to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
>tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself
>a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
>naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS
>DESTRUCTION!
>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
>in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
>over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
>with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
>nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
>position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
>meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
>thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>
>Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
>of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
>yourself.
>You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
>violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be
>considered conservative.
>SON-OF-A- ... that hurt like h3|| !!! A minute or so later (I can't be
>sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
>(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
>reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up
>there ??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
>face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
>88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant
>reward for their safe return. Still in shock.
>
>P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
>So funny!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>
> It’s tax season, make sure to follow these few simple tips