Jokey Posties

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Dictionary for decoding women's personal ADs:

40-ish..................................49.

Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.

Athletic................................No breasts.

Average looking.....................Moooo!

Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure..................On medication.

Feminist...............................Fat.

Free Spirit.............................Junkie.

Friendship first.......................Former Slut.

New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s

Open-minded.........................Desperate.

Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.

Professional...........................B**ch.

Voluptuous...........................Very fat.

Large frame...........................Hugely fat.

Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.


Dictionary for decoding women's English:

Yes.....................................No

No......................................Yes

Maybe.................................No

We need...............................I want

I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry

We need to talk......................You're in trouble

Sure, go ahead........................You better not

Do what you want...................You will pay for this later

I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!

You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?


Dictionary for decoding men's English:

I am hungry...........................I am hungry

I am sleepy............................I am sleepy

I am tired..............................I am tired

Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!

I love you..............................Let's have sex now

I am bored.............................Do you want to have s ex?

May I have this dance?.......................I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime?...................I'd like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie?...........I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner?.............I'd like to have sex with you.

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.

 

lmao kit nice. I got in trouble in class because I lol'd at that.


>What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Answer:
>
>
>
>
>Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

[ February 13, 2007, 05:11: Message edited by: iLLusioN' ]

 

ROFL! You guys are killing me!

 

>
>The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good
>idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It
>worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
>
>The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a
>little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I
>supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are
>packed to the balcony."
>
>"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are
>open to the new ideas of youth."
>
>"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the
>drive-thru confessional."
>
>"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the
>donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
>
>"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign,
>'TOOT 'N TELL -OR- GO TO HELL' can't stay on the church roof."

 

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.... Part 2

1. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

2. If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

3. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

4. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

5. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

6. Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

7. Do they use sterilised needles for lethal injections?

8. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

10. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

-----------------------------

Short and sweet


A man goes to the zoo.
When he gets there, there was only a dog on display.

It was a sh*tzu.


-------------------------

: Anger Management
>

> When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
> it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know -- take it
> out on
> someone you don't know.
>

>

> I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had
> forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered,
> saying, "Hello." I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin
> Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't
> believe that anyone could be so rude. I realized I had called the
> wrong number. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I
> had accidentally transposed the last two digits of her phone number.
> After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
>

>

>

> When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!"
> and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a**hole' next to
> it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was
> paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,
> "You're an a**hole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to
> our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a**hole' calling would have to
> stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from
> the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with
> the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I
> quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!"
>

>

>

> One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
> Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
> patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been
> waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale"
> sign in his car window, so, I wrote down his number.
>

>

>

> A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole ( I had
> his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW
> a**hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

> "Yes, it is."
> "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
> "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the
> car's parked right out in front."
>

> "What's your name?" I asked.
> "My name is Don Hansen," he said.
> "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
> "I'm home every evening after five."
> "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
> "Yes?"
> "Don, you're an a**hole."
>

>

>

> Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now,when I
> had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. But after several months of
> calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up
> with an idea. I called A**hole #1.
>

> "Hello."
> "You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he
> asked.
> "Yeah," I said.
> "Stop calling me," he screamed.
> "Make me," I said.
> "Who are you?" he asked.
> "My name is Don Hansen."
> "Yeah? Where do you live?"
> "A**hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my
> black Beamer parked in front"
>

> He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
> saying your prayers."
>

> I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole."
>

> Then I called A**hole #2.
> "Hello?" he said.
> "Hello, a**hole," I said.
> He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...!"
> "You'll what?" I said.
> "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
> I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
> now."
>

> Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
> at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill
> my gay
> lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on
> West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th
> street.

>

>

>

> When I got there, I saw two a**holes beating the crap out of each
> other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and the channel
> 13 news crew.
> NOW, I feel better -
>

>

>

> This is "Anger Management" at its very best.


----------------------------

>There was a man who was very lonely. He decided life would be more fun if
>he had a pet so he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted
>to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a
>centipede (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his
>house.
>
> He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he
>would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he
>asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me
>and have a beer?"
>
>But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he
>waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar
>and having a drink with me?"
>
>But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
>few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one
>more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and
>shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a
>drink with me?"

>A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm
>putting on my f*****g shoes."


Hope they got you giggling

 

It did. Especially the Anger Management!

Reminded me of the good old Bastard Operator From Hell.

 

> 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
>
> 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
>
> 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
>
> 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
>
>
> 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
>
> 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
>
> 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
>
> 8. I pay your salary!
>
> 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
>
>
> 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
>
>
> 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
>
> 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

Your Welcome

quoted from bash as i'm bout to go to school

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh ****!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...


and something else my uncle sent me

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, we were all over each other and just when I was ready to pound nails through two inch plywood she looks up at me and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[ February 20, 2007, 18:02: Message edited by: iLLusioN' ]

 

Why am I so tired???
>
>For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough
>sunshine, too much pressure from my job, low blood sugar or anything
>else I could think of.
>
>But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
>
>Here's why:
>
>The population of this country is 273 million.
>
>140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
>
>There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
>
>Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
>Leaving
>19 million to do the work.
>
>2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing terrorists.
>Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
>
>Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
>governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
>
>At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving
>1,212,000 to do the work.
>
>Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people
>to do the work.
>
>You and me.
>
>And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
>
>Nice, real nice.

 

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned
on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he
said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was
gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your
fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around
like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron
all day long?"

The husband sighed. "aww fukk, it's started."

 

What did the fish say when it ran into the concrete wall?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Damn!

 

From electricScotland

Why Scotland is a grand place



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In the beginning, The Lord God Almighty, sitting on His throne on high, turned to His mate, the Archangel Gabriel and said "Gabby, today I'm going to create Scotland. I will make it a country of dark beautiful mountains, purple glens and rich green forests. I will give it clear swift flowing rivers and I will fill them with salmon. The land shall be lush and fertile, on which the people shall grow barley to brew into an amber nectar that will be much sought after the world over. Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal.

In the waters around the shores there will be an abundance of fish and beneath the sea bed there will be vast deposits of oil and gas".

"Excuse me Sire", interrupted the Archangel Gabriel, "Don't you think you are being a bit too generous to these Scots"?

"Not really", replied the Lord, "wait 'til you see the neighbours I'm giving them".

 

ROFL!!!

Realy good. Realy very good.

 

>Cowboy Boots
>
> Roy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some
>on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
> He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice Anything
> different about me?"
>
> Bessie looks him over "Nope."
>
>Frustrated, Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
> back into the room completely naked, except for the boots.
>
> Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT
>NOW?"
>
> Bessie looks up and says, "Roy, what's different? It's hanging
>down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
> tomorrow.
>
> Furious, Roy yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN,
>BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
>
>To which Bessie replies,"Shoulda bought a hat, Roy. Shoulda bought a
>hat."

 

Good one TrueBlueAussie

Another joke from ElectricScotland

"Ya' all

A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play."

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks its lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back in a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus's owner comes up and says "What are you fooling around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"

The octopus says "Play it? If I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'm gonna make love to it!"

 

I may have posted that before but I dun wanna go look back through all this again lol


> Subject: Father-son bonding
>
>
> A father and son went hunting
> together for
> the first time. The father said,
> "Stay here
> and be very QUIET. I'll be across
> the
> field."
>
> A few minutes later, the father
> heard a
> bloodcurdling scream and ran back
> to his
> son. "What's wrong?" the father
> asked. "I
> told you to be quiet."
>
> The son answered, "Look, I was
> quiet
> when the snake slithered across my
> feet.
> I was quiet when the bear breathed
> down
> my neck. I didn't move a muscle
> when the
> skunk climbed over my shoulder. I
> closed
> my eyes and held my breath when the
> wasp stung me. I didn't cough when
> I
> swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss
> or
> scratch when the poison oak started
> itching. But when the two chipmunks
> crawled up my pant legs and said,
> 'Should we eat them here or take
> them
> with us?' Well, I guess I just
> panicked.


and another


Texan DD

Only a Texan could think of this....from the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas.

After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward ! a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot empty, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any
alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"


Little Girl

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five
dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five
dollars from.
The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for
doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see
your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I
got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing
a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked
him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

 

I had heard the Designated Decoy one before but the other 2 were really good


Used Cars:


It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."
Then why don't you drive it away....
"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed...so we're just waiting.


------------

5 Corporate Lessons

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a
word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily
slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss
a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!"
says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the
world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on
the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting
very high up.


Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.

--------------

WHY WE SPLIT UP...

She told me we couldn't afford beer at $25.00 a case anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.

Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up, and I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that's what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.....


------------

From Qantas (through my sister who works at Virgin Blue)

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[ March 02, 2007, 05:36: Message edited by: TrueBlueAussie ]

 

We’ve all heard the “official conspiracy theory” of the Death Star attack. We all know about Luke Skywalker and his ragtag bunch of rebels, how they mounted a foolhardy attack on the most powerful, well-defended battle station ever built. And we’ve all seen the video over, and over, and over, of the one-in-a-million shot that resulted in a massive chain reaction that not just damaged, but completely obliterated that massive technological wonder.

Like many Americans, I was fed this story when I was growing up. But as I watched the video, I began to realize that all was not as it seemed. And the more I questioned the official story, the deeper into the rabbit hole I went.

Presented here are some of the results of my soul-searching regarding this painful event. Like many citizens, I have many questions that I would like answered: was the mighty Imperial government really too incompetent to prevent a handful of untrained nerf-herders from destroying one of their most prized assets? Or are they hiding something from us? Who was really behind the attack? Why did they want the Death Star destroyed? No matter what the answers, we have a problem.

1) Why were a handful of rebel fighters able to penetrate the defenses of a battle station that had the capability of destroying an entire planet and the defenses to ward off several fleets of battle ships?

2) Why did Grand Moff Tarkin refuse to deploy the station’s large fleet of TIE Fighters until it was too late? Was he acting on orders from somebody to not shoot down the rebel attack force? If so, who, and why?

3) Why was the rebel pilot who supposedly destroyed the Death Star reported to be on the Death Star days, maybe hours, prior to its destruction? Why was he allowed to escape, and why were several individuals dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms seen helping him?

4) Why has there not been an investigation into allegations that Darth Vader, the second-ranking member of the Imperial Government, is in fact the father of the pilot who allegedly destroyed the Death Star?

5) Why did Lord Vader decide to break all protocols and personally pilot a lightly armored TIE Fighter? Conveniently, this placed Lord Vader outside of the Death Star when it was destroyed, where he was also conveniently able to escape from a large-sized rebel fleet that had just routed the Imperial forces. Why would Lord Vader, one of the highest ranking members of the Imperial Government, suddenly decide to fly away from the Death Star in the middle of a battle? Did he know something that the rest of the Imperial Navy didn’t?

6) How could any pilot shoot a missile into a 2 meter-wide exhaust port, let alone a pilot with no formal training, whose only claim to fame was his ability to “bullseye womprats” on Tatooine? This shot, according to one pilot, would be “impossible, even for a computer.” Yet, according to additional evidence, the pilot who allegedly fired the missile turned off his targeting computer when he was supposedly firing the shot that destroyed the Death Star. Why have these discrepancies never been investigated, let alone explained?

7) Why has their been no investigation into evidence that the droids who provided the rebels with the Death Star plans were once owned by none other than Lord Vader himself, and were found, conveniently, by the pilot who destroyed the Death Star, and who is also believed to be Lord Vader’s son? Evidence also shows that the droids were brought to one Ben Kenobi, who, records indicate, was Darth Vader’s teacher many years earlier! Are all these personal connections between the conspirators and a key figure in the Imperial government supposed to be coincidences?

8) How could a single missile destroy a battle station the size of a moon? No records, anywhere, show that any battle station or capital ship has ever been destroyed by a single missile. Furthermore, analysis of the tape of the last moments of the Death Star show numerous small explosions along its surface, prior to it exploding completely! Why does all evidence indicate that strategically placed explosives, not a single missile, is what destroyed the Death Star?