Jokey Posties

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I don't know if this has been posted before, but here we go:

A man walks up to his wife and says, "Tell me something that will make me happy, and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks for a bit, and then replies, "You make love better than your brother."

 

Some of you might have seen some of these before but if you havent, then they should give you a chuckle.

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

1: If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

2: I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

3: What if there were no hypothetical questions?

4: If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

5: If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

6: Is there another word for synonym?

7: Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

8: If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

9: If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?

10: What was the best thing before sliced bread?

11: Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

12: If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

13: If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

14: Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

15: Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

16: If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

17: If vegetarians eat vegetables, do humanitarians eat humans? (Thanks to keumper)

[ January 31, 2007, 00:07: Message edited by: TrueBlueAussie ]

 

HaHa

I needed that.

 

(Read Seamus' lines with a strong Irish accent)

Little Seamus had a problem with numbers. Oh, he could count well, but he couldn't write the numbers down. Over the years, he developed a drawing system to manage calculations. One day, a substitute teacher was in charge of the class and, unaware of Seamus' little problem, he asked him to go to the blackboard.

- Teacher: Well Seamus, what's the result of adding 1 and 2?

Seamus quickly drew an oak on the blackboard. Seeing the teacher's mystified expression, he quickly explained:

- Seamus: Tree! One plus two makes tree!

The teacher laughed, and then asked him what was the result of multiplying 3 by 11, to which Seamus answered by smudging the oak on the blackboard.

- Teacher: What is that supposed to mean?
- Seamus: Dirty tree!

Now the teacher was considering that the lad was making fun of him, so he decided to make a difficult calculation.

- Teacher: So, Seamus, what's 100 divided by 3?

Seamus thought for a while, and then drew what looked suspiciously like a massive piece of horse dung next to the smudged oak. The teacher was speechless, and pointed at the thing demanding an explanation.

- Seamus: Dirty tree and a turd!

 

Good one, Colthrun.

 

You know? You could take Colthrun's wonderful post and label it a 'Newfie Joke' without even changing Seamus' name (or accent). We're sooo similar.

Anyways, here's a 'voice from the audience' joke:

The students were slow in bringing in their money for the school yearbook so the teacher decided to put some pressure on her class.

"Just think," she said, "twenty-five years from now you can look in this book and say, 'There's Judy Jones, she's an important lawyer today, and here's Tom Smith, who's a doctor, and here's-'"

Voice from the rear: "And here's the teacher, she's dead."

----
and yet another shaggy dog:

A lion walks into a bar and orders a dry martini. "What does a lion know?" thinks the bartender, and charges the lion ten dollars.

After a while, the bartender's curiousity gets the best of him; he starts wiping the bar, casual-like, and makes his way up to the lion. Looking up, he says, "Say, you know, we don't get too many lions in here."

Says the lion, "I'm not surprised, at these prices."

 

Coffee, No Cream

A man walks into a coffee shop and places his order. "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The girl behind the counter says "I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

 

You've probably came across this by now, but I'll post this anyway, since it might invoke a little smile:

Mahatma Gandhi could be perceived to be a wise hindu, who walked everywhere he went with bare feet, followed a strict diet and fasted a lot, which might have given him a poor constitution and a bad breath.

This would make him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

 

Yep, even a

 

Dirty Little Girl

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell
my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"
She
then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then turned to Molly and
continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY
disappointed!!!!!!!!!


Maxine:

> Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this
>country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals
>attacking humans in Florida .
> Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is
>a win-win-win situation:
> + Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
> + Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
> + Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
> Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

 

Hehehe! Good ones iLLusioN'!

 

>Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing
>everything!
>
>-----------------------
>
>Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
>walks over and asks Paul
>what's wrong.
>
>"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I
>wanted to ask out, but I got an
>erection every time I saw her?"
>
>"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
>
>"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to
>ask her out, and she
>agreed."
>
>"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
>
>"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried
>I'd get an erection again.
>So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it
>wouldn't show".
>
>"Sensible" says Jeff.
>
>"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She
>answered it in the sheerest,
>sexiest, dress you ever saw."
>
>"And what happened then?"
>
>"I kicked her in the face."

 

ROFL!

 

lol nice montresor

 

Stolen from the Guardian...


Heard about the Scottish Rolling Stones tribute band? Their most popular song is, Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe.

 

The Spoons:
>
> A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
organization.
>
> Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
> That the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had > a spoon
in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
> When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
> "Well, 'he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen
> Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
>
> As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace
> It with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right now."
> I was impressed.
>
> I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had The same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
> "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so
observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time In the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
> I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
> "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon."

 

Where do you get these jokes iLLusioN? It's a good source.

P.S:

 

heh, my uncle forwards them to me...no clue where he gets them but he has an endless supply it seems.