Jokey Posties

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LOL I've got to try that offside explanation the next chance I get.

 

Here's an old (and true) story that has probably been posted before:

...In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game," and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.

Eric was playing a Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:

ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you
see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it
respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!
ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try.
It's a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.
ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo.
It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so
I can avenge my Paladin.

At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll.

 

A man is having his passport renewed.

Clerk: So, we just need to doublecheck your personal information in our system, and then I can process the order for the new passport.

Man: Sure, no problem.

Clerk: What's your first name?

Man: J... J... J... J... J... J...John.

Clerk: Oh, I didn't notice you stuttering before.

Man: That's because I don't stutter. My father did. And the person who wrote down my name in the registry was a bastard.

[ July 28, 2006, 17:03: Message edited by: Colthrun ]

 

Q:How many Americans does it take to buy a gallon of gas?

A: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it.

 

Found something in some of mom's stuff. Hope noone's offended, but I think it's pretty funny.

Taoism - Sh*t happens
Hinduism - This sh*t happened before
Buddhism - Let sh*t happen
Zen Buddhism - What is the sound of sh*t happening?
Atheism - No sh*t
Islam - Sh*t happens because it is God's (Allah's) will
Protestantism - Let sh*t happen to someone else
Catholicism - Sh*t happens because we deserve it
Judaism - Why does this sh*t always happen to us?

 

One more faith to add:

Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this sh*t

 

communism - **** for everyone
capitalism - **** for the rich

 

Q: What's got 8 hands, 8 eyes and 8 legs?

A: 8 pirates

 

That's a lot of eye patches, peg legs, and hook hands you got there Ara.

 

Something a little risque taken from one of Jeff Dunham's shows.

Audience question: Why is it that I gag when I brush my tongue, but not when I give my boyfriend oral sex?

Answer: Well obviously your toothbrush is bigger.

 

I just heard these two...it's kinda lame though:

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. A no-eye-deer!

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still-no-eye-deer!

 

Q: Why did the little girl fall of the swing?
A: Because she had no arms

 

Whats E.T. short for.

Cause he has no legs.

 

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stands over him and says, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was beautiful and clean, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.Bill looked up, yelled for God, told him his decision and was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked.

Bill responded with a cracking voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place...with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?"

"That was the demo," replied God.

 

This may be a bit risque....

Three people are waiting in line to enter the pearly gates. As the first approaches, Saint Peter says, "Before I let you in, you must answer a question. What was the name of the first man?"

"Oh, that's easy" answers the first person, "it's Adam."

Bells ring, the Angels sing and gates swing open. The first person walks through to the waiting arms of loved ones.

The second person approaches, Saint Peter says again, "Before I let you in, you must answer a question. What was the name of the first woman?"

"Eve." answers the second person.

Bells ring, the Angels sing and gates swing open. The second person walks through to the waiting arms of loved ones.

Finally, the third person approaches and Saint Peter says, "Before I let you in, you must answer a question. What was first the thing Eve said to Adam?"

"Wow," the third person is stumped and starts to go over and over all the teachings from Sunday School, "that's a hard one...".

Bells ring, the Angels sing and gates swing open....

 

Also a bit risque...

A man walks up to the doorman at the entrance to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a potato tied around hisgenetalia.
The Doorman says, "What the hell do you think your doing dressed like that?"
"What does it look like, going to this fancy dress party is what" said the man
"What are you supposed to be then?"
"A dictator"


A man walks up to the doorman at the entrance to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jam jar over his genetalia.
The Doorman says, "What the hell do you think your doing dressed like that?"
"What does it look like, going to this fancy dress party is what" said the man
"What are you supposed to be then?"
"A fire alarm. Break the glass and pull the knob"

And the third:
A woman walks up to the doorman at the entrance to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a pin over her genetalia.
The Doorman says, "What the hell do you think your doing dressed like that?"
"What does it look like, going to this fancy dress party is what" said the woman
"What are you supposed to be then?"
"A hand grenade. Pull the pin and watch you go up"

 

And for round 2:
A man dies and gets sent to hell where the devil meets him.

The devil asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and the we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow," the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean ..."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares?"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays then"

 

This pastor from a small church notices one day that his church is in need of a new paint job. Wanting to get the most for the church's money he puts the job up for bid. This man comes comes along who under bids all others by a fair margin. The pastor grants him the job and he begins the next day.

Unbeknownst to the pastor, this man is unscrupulous and has only bought enough paint for half the job. To make it stretch he has thinned the paint and is going to make a tidy sum from this job.

The painter is up on a scaffold and applying the final touches when all of a sudden a storm cloud arises. There is a bolt of lightning and a clap of thunder so great it knocks him right off of the scaffold. The rain starts pouring down and washes his work away as he watches. Lying there in the mud he is suddenly surrounded by a white light and a voice speaks. It tells him "Repaint, repaint and thin no more!"

 

Someone just sent me the perfect way to get out of a speeding ticket.

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

 

Really good one Fel!