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Jokey Posties

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Blackthorne TA, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. iLLusioN' Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon


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  2. Bahir the Red Gems: 18/31
    Latest gem: Horn Coral


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    You forgot a part that changes the whole scenario:

    THE MAN FLIPS THE MEAT SO THAT IT WILL BE EQUALLY GRILLED ON BOTH SIDES

    Many men have lost their hands to vicious burn wounds from this, dangerous, part of grilling. Could it be done by a woman? No
     
  3. Cúchulainn Gems: 28/31
    Latest gem: Star Sapphire


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    Something I noticed about BBQ's in hollywood movies.

    It starts out with one guy (wearing a silly apron) grilling frozen burgers for the ladies. Things are going well as they are impressed with his culinary skills, until another guy comes along (usually wearing a bright hawiian shirt) and out performs him by grilling frozen hotdogs. This only leads to jealousy and the inevitable fight breaks out. Pretty much every 'suspense-thriller' has a BBQ fight scene.
     
  4. iLLusioN' Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon


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    Ripped from bash but I thought it was hilarious and figured I'd share it with ya'll


    <Paine> Ah **** guys, I'm f*cked.
    <Criosys> ?
    <Paine> I was showing my mom the way to download and watch music on the computer downstairs (yeah, illegal, sue me). Anyway, I forgot to factor in the fact that there's an option box to "Search my computer for music files".
    <Criosys> and...?
    <Paine> What I DIDN'T know, was that it also adds video files. So about 5 minutes ago, I walked through the living room, saw my mom and sister at the computer watching the visualisations.
    <Paine> On the way back OUT of the room, the song changed, and all of a sudden, hardcore lesbian porn for my mom and sister to enjoy.
    <Paine> Now they're banging on the door so I'm turning MY music way up so they can't hear my crying >_<
     
  5. iLLusioN' Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon


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    AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

    1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
    2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
    3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
    4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
    5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
    6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
    7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
    8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of Life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape
    9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
    10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
    11. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
     
  6. Rolsuk Fryulee Gems: 13/31
    Latest gem: Ziose


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    Arahar's ''the man laws'' reminded me of this little gem in my e-mail. May have been posted before wayback, but who cares. Enjoy.


    The Guys' Rules

    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.

    We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
    Please note... these are all numbered "1"
    ON PURPOSE!

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

    1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

    1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
     
  7. Greystar Gems: 7/31
    Latest gem: Tchazar


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    From: http://observer.guardian.co.uk/business/story/0,,1759298,00.html

    Hu understands the thoughts of chairman Bill

    by John Naughton
    Sunday April 23, 2006
    The Observer

    When President Hu Jintao of China arrived in the US last Wednesday, his first appointment was dinner with Bill Gates, co-founder and chairman of Microsoft, at Gates's mansion (aka San Simeon North) on the shores of Lake Washington. They dined on smoked guinea fowl, which had been shot at by the US Vice-President, Dick Cheney. (He missed, and hit one of his friends instead; the guinea fowl was later killed by humane means.) The pair were joined by Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft, the Chinese ambassador to the US, a number of the President's aides and the deputy assistant head of protocol at the White House. Owing to an unpatched security hole in Gates's Windows-powered home-monitoring system, the meeting of the two Great Leaders was bugged and a transcript of their conversation has been obtained by The Observer ...

    Gates: You Hu?

    Hu: I am the President of China.

    Gates: Cool. I'm the Chairman of Microsoft. (Hu bows.)

    Hu: Because you, Mr Bill Gates, are a friend of China, I am a friend of Microsoft.

    Gates: Wow! That's really cool. We're very interested in China, you know. Big market. Smart people.

    Hu: We are pleased that many great US companies are coming to China - for example Google.

    Ballmer: (Heatedly) Those sons of bitches. They stole one of our top Chinese execs ...

    Gates: Cool it, Steve. Hu doesn't know about that.

    Hu: We also have Yahoo in China. They are very co-operative in rooting out undesirable elements.

    Ballmer: (Mutters.) Maybe they could help root out Google ...

    Hu: We like Google very much. They are most understanding of our needs. Chinese people do not want to know about freedom and democracy. They just want to know where to buy BMW cars and plasma TVs and such things.

    Gates: Now that you're here, Hu, I gotta problem I'd like to share with you.

    Hu: I will be honoured to help you, Mr Bill Gates. What is your problem? Or, as your Harvard Business School says, should I call it an 'opportoonity'?

    Gates: Eh? Oh, I see. Well it sure looks like a problem to me. You see you have a lot of PCs in China ...

    Hu: (Proudly) Yes, we have already 500 million PCs...

    Gates: ... and they're mostly running Windows XP.

    Hu: (Beaming). Certainly. The latest version with Service Pack 2 installed. We are becoming a most leading-edge economy. Also they have Office Productivity Suite including PowerPoint. It is a most excellent situation. What is your problem, Mr Bill?

    Gates: The problem is that, as far as we can see - and Steve here has looked at the figures - we only sold 153 Windows XP and 25 Office licences in the whole of China last year. Those damn PCs are all running bootleg - pirated - software and we haven't made a dime in licence fees on any of them. This is not good, Hu, not good at all ...

    Ballmer: Too damn right ... And it all happens because your factories are shipping cheap PCs with blank hard drives and no pre-installed operating system. Then those lousy schmucks install ripped-off versions of our software on them.

    (At this point, a Chinese official whispers in the President's ear. After a few moments, Hu turns back to Gates.)

    Hu: (Gravely). I see why you are distressed, Mr Bill. And because China wishes to be friends with Microsoft, your distress also distresses me. But my officials tell me that we have solved the problem.

    Gates: Cool. How?

    Hu: Chinese factories will no longer turn out these - how you say? - naked PCs. All will come with operating system pre-installed.

    Gates: Great stuff! Which version? Windows 2000 or XP? And don't forget Vista - we'll be shipping that soon.

    Hu: No. Red Flag Linux. Made in China.

    (At this point, Ballmer screams, picks up a chair and hurls it at the $250,000 video-wall in Gates's dining room, shattering screens and shorting the lights.)

    Gates: That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard, Hu.

    Hu: I do not understand, Mr Bill. First you tell me that you don't like these PCs with no operating system, and then you say you don't like them with operating system. I am confused.

    Gates: The thing is, Hu, that Linux system is bad news.

    Ballmer: You said it, buddy. Spawn of the devil.

    Hu: What is wrong with it?

    Gates: Well, for starters, it's a system put together by a bunch of hippies.

    Ballmer: It's like, totally un-American.

    Hu: Does that mean it doesn't work?

    Gates: No, it works fine. Better than that goddam pre-release version of Vista, in fact.

    Hu: So why do you dislike it so much, Mr Bill?

    Gates: Well, those damn hippies just give it away.

    Ballmer: It's basically, well, communistic.

    Hu: (Shocked) Ah, now I see. We are totally opposed to communism too, Mr Bill. How much will you charge for 500 million Vista licences?
     
  8. Montresor

    Montresor Mostly Harmless Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    This one is supposedly true:

    At a reception, a woman approaches Winston Churchill and says, "Sir, you are drunk!"

    Churchill replies, quick as flash, "And you, madam, are ugly! But I shall be sober tomorrow."
     
  9. Daie d'Malkin

    Daie d'Malkin Shoulda gone to Specsavers

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    Ye, that was at a dinner. I can't remember the lady's name, but she had a long-running feud with good old Churchill. ANother one:

    She: Sir, if I were your wife, I should put poison in your coffee.
    He: Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it.
     
  10. iLLusioN' Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon


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    lol that would be entertaining to see someone say :)
     
  11. Aldeth the Foppish Idiot

    Aldeth the Foppish Idiot Armed with My Mallet O' Thinking Veteran

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    President Bush is getting his daily morning briefing. One of his aides reads to him the last bullet in the memo:

    "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

    "OH NO!" screams the President. He puts his head in his hands and starts crying uncontrolably. Finally, after several minutes, he composes himself, picks up his head and asks his aid, "How many is a brazillion?"

    [ May 31, 2006, 17:55: Message edited by: Aldeth the Foppish Idiot ]
     
  12. DarkStrider

    DarkStrider I've seen the future and it has seen me Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    The Lady in question with Winston Churchill was Lady Astor
     
  13. nior Gems: 24/31
    Latest gem: Water Opal


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    Rules For Writers...

    1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

    2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

    3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

    4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

    5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

    6. Be more or less specific.

    8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

    9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

    10. No sentence fragments.

    11. Don't use no double negatives.

    12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

    :D
     
  14. Arahar

    Arahar Hmm, it's a dwarf. Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
    first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

    He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
    She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

    The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
    She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

    The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
     
  15. Greystar Gems: 7/31
    Latest gem: Tchazar


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    Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

    The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

    The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.

    THE STORY:

    (first paragraph by Rebecca)
    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much that her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

    (second paragraph by Gary)
    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

    (Rebecca)
    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.

    (Gary)
    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

    (Rebecca)
    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

    (Gary)
    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

    (Rebecca)
    A-hole.

    (Gary)
    Bitch

    (Rebecca)
    F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

    (Gary)
    Go drink some tea - whore.

    (TEACHER)
    A+ - I really liked this one
     
  16. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    Maths in Europe:

    "Jack. What's a square, please tell me."

    Jack thinks... And thinks...

    "Miss. A square is EEC 123456/2000."

    "Wrong, Jack. That's triangle. Square is EEC 123457/2000."
     
  17. Harbourboy

    Harbourboy Take thy form from off my door! Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    I don't get it, chevalier.
     
  18. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    You lucky man. Basically, EEC is the signature for UE enactments (the most binding ones, passed as the European Communities). Stuff that defines the angle of a banana, the diameter of a strawberry, the way you can pasture your cows or collect your honey, that kind of crap from Brussels. Thousands of those come out every year.
     
  19. Bassil Warbone Gems: 12/31
    Latest gem: Moonstone


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    I used to tell my Ex-wife that women are
    good for two things, Having sex and fixing sandwiches And most are only good at one or the other. (Now you know why she is my ex-wife)
     
  20. Colthrun

    Colthrun Walk first in the forest and last in the bog Veteran

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    Ian Paisley gets accidentally cyrogenically frozen for 50 years. When he wakes up, the first question from his big, angry mouth is "What the hell happened?".

    His doctor comes over and says "Good afternoon Mr. Paisley. You have been cryogenically frozen for 50 years, and I have good news and bad news for you."

    Ian replies "Whats the bad news?"

    "Well," says the doc, "Ireland invaded England 25 years ago, Gerry Adams is Prime Minister, and Mary McAleese has been crowned Queen."

    "Mother o'God!" cries Ian. "Whats the GOOD news?"

    "Rangers beat Celtic last night" says his doc, with a grin.

    Ian sits back and smiles. "What was the score?"

    His doc turns to him and says "Three goals and four points to one goal and one point".


    (For the Irish impaired, he's talking gaelic football here :D )
     
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