Jokes!

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God must love stupid people... he made so many of them.

Your village called, the idiot is missing.

I have high friends in places!

(Already did this one) To golf or not to golf. What a stupid question.

Homersepian

Strong Brandy: $ 9.99
Marajuana: $ 10.50
Dope: $ 7.99
Bring home a girl who had all of the above: free

<UP> The man
<DOWN> The legend

TNA

 

I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD. Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it goes...

I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry... BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper.

After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack.... BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook?

Oops.. there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook... BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter.

What's it doing here? I'll just put it away... BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY:
Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control...
And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious...I'd get help...

BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail ...

 

lol sounds like me


[This message has been edited by Dark Xan (edited September 24, 2001).]

 

It is the year 2042, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower
Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th
century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to
be the Twin Towers..."
The son, not understanding, asks his father: "What are the Twin Towers?"
The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were
two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them."
The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?"

 

Touch close to the knuckle that one Bogi?

Don't think this one has been posted on here before:

This little boy goes into his dad and asks, "what is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider the the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severly soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."

 

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the
green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9
Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts
the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the
frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The
man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes
out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't
know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of
golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog
replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man
asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit ¤3000,
black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits
the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won
me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all
the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me
God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

 

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an Airport"

Ahh, this is sooo well known, I get things like this every day:

Customer: "I'm having trouble receiving my email."
Tech Support: "What email client are you using?"
Customer: "Email client?"
Tech Support: "Yes, the program that you use to get your email."
Customer: "Program?"
Tech Support: "Yes, program...what operating system are you on?"
Customer: "Operating system?"
Tech Support: "Yes, operating system...do you see a start button in the bottom left hand corner?"
Customer: "Bottom left hand corner of what?"
Tech Support: (agitated) "Of the SCREEN."
Customer: "What screen?"
Tech Support: (about to die) "The screen, the monitor, the thing in front of you that looks like a TV."
Customer: "Oh, I don't have one of those."
Tech Support: (recomposing himself) "What kind of computer do you have, sir?"
Customer: "Computer? I don't have one of them things."
Tech Support: "What DO you have?"
Customer: (proudly) "A modem."
Tech Support: "Sir. You need a computer to send and receive email. A modem won't work by itself."
Customer: "Well, dammit...I have a modem, and the guy at Best Buy said this was all I'd need to get online! I want to cancel my account! I'm not spending no damn two thousand dollars on a computer!"

[This message has been edited by Headbanger (edited October 17, 2001).]

 

Thanks for the laughs

on the Politics joke....

The word Politican is Latin deriving from 2 roots.

POLI, meaning Many
TIC, meaning Blood Sucking Vermin

 

Here is a joke.

How do you get a goth down from a tree?
Cut the rope.

 

A man and his wife are having problems with sex. The man is ignoring the wife (unrealistic, i know, but bear with me.)
So the wife goes to the doctor, and tells him about their problem. So the doctor hands her a bottle of pills, and tells her to put one in his coffee in the morning. So the woman leaves.

the next morning, she puts one in his coffee and they have sex all morning. The next day she puts in two and they have sex all afternoon. Then, deciding it's great, she puts the entire bottle in.

Later that day, the Doctor calls. Their son Answers the phone
Doctor: "This is the doctor, i just called to see how things were going."
Son: "Well, my mom's dead, both of my sisters are Pregnant, my Ass hurts and my dad is up on the roof saying, 'Here kitty, Kitty'"

 

A man goes to the doctor complaining about pain in his penis. The doctor looks at the mans penis and then ask the man about his sexual habits.
Well the man says im a lumberjack so me and the wife live out in the woods so there isnt much to do.
When i wake up in the morning im usually horny as hell and tap the wife on the shoulder and she knows what i want so have cozy morning sex. Then she rises and make breakfast and when i see her in her shift in the kitchen im aroused again so i take her on the kitchen table. After breakfast i make ready for a day in woods and so i wont miss her too much she gives me a blowjob before i i leave.
Around noon i come home for dinner and im really horning after a half day alone in the woods so the first thing i do is to take from behind against the kitchen sink. Then we eat dinner and before im going i just cant resist taking her right there on the kitchen floor. Well now i have a long lonely afternoon in the forest so when i come home my wife as a welcome sight to see. So i make love with her on the porch when she comes out to greet me. After the evening meal well there isnt much to do in the woods where we live so make love atleast three times before going to bed. And before i can sleep i need to have some soft coodling and loving sex with my beloved wife in the bed.
So thats how a ordinary day looks for me doctor. Do you have any idea why i have such pain in my penis?
The doctor looks astonished the lumberjack and ask what he thinks.
Well says the lumberjack it might have something to do with all the jackin off i do when im alone in the woods...