What is the Friendzone? Does it really even exist?

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The 'friendzone' concept has been discussed in somewhat tongue-in-cheek fashion in the MUG lately. And it's a persistent topic in offices, bars, bedrooms, and all over the web.

So, what is the friendzone? No doubt you've all heard of it and have your own opinions.

IMO, it's a situation where person 1 (usually a male) wants a romantic relationship with person 2 (usually a female), but person 2 does not want a romantic relationship with person 1, although she may want a platonic friendship with him for various reasons. If this relationship persists unchanged, and if person 1 does provide friendship to person 2 without getting the romance he desires, person 1 has entered the dreaded friendzone. And yes, it does exist.

Why is the friendzone such a place of dread? Well first off, person 1 is not enjoying a fulfilling relationship. He craves romance but receives friendship. Person 2 however is getting exactly what she wants. She craves friendship and gets just that - usually in spades, because more often than not, person 1's unrequited desire for person 2 causes him to sacrifice his own well-being in the vain hope that someday he may advance to a higher romantic standing with person 2.

In fact, in person 1's pathetic and futile attempts to 'charm' person 2, he may go beyond the pale in providing for her in terms of services (not sexual services, but washing cars, running errands, doing laundry, etc.), consultation (confidante duty, comforter, etc.), and just general constant availability. This is not a symbiotic relationship, so it will drain person 1 of resources to person 2's benefit. This draining may be deliberate in the case of manipulative persons, or just circumstantial. Person 2 after all may not necessarily realize what's going on.

Why is escaping the friendzone such a vain hope? Because



Person 1 has generally placed himself in a position of perceived low self esteem and little respect in having sacrificed his well-being for his beloved. (These impressions may not be overt; person 2 may simply form an 'icky' feeling over time with regard to person 1, but respect or the lack of it is at the heart of the feeling.)

Once person 1 loses person 2's respect, he is doomed. Forever. Respect is apparently an all or nothing proposition as far as relationships go. It's fleeting and irreplaceable, and once it goes, it's just plain gone. It's of course possible to regain respect in other aspects of life, but for some reason, when it comes to romance, this is apparently (and sadly) not so.

That's what I think anyway. What about you?

 

So BT, you are saying that you got your girlfriend because you wouldn't get her a cookie? Interesting technique, I guess I can see the logic in that in the beginning. I hope you go and get cookies for her now once in a while though .

 

Don't know first hand about the friendzone - if I love a woman, I will say it, and no matter the answer, the friendship will be over after that. Not that I will be angry with the person or anything, but since there's not so much reason to stay in contact, the contact usually withers away quite quickly. Unrequited love is such a waste of energy.

 

It's real...the zone that is.
I was one of those fools that got trapped in there. But after a long time I managed to break free. Wiser, smarter...and less obtuse. In the end I go a better girl and won.

Don't wanna go into boring and heart breaking details....but played me well...she did.

 

I have on several occasions refused the friendzone, a woman I have been interested in really wants to be friends wants to hang out, do stuff, talk but every time I try to make into something more I get rebuffed. In those situation I "break up" with the woman, tell her how it is and that I am not interested in being just friends with her. I have friends, they have penises and share my interests. I am with a woman to get love and human closeness and if she isn't interested in that so be it. This happens way too often for comfort, I am not a good closer and several women have wept and cried claimed they don't want to lose me as a friend when I lay out my case. Why should I torture myself by being close to someone I am attracted to when she feels nothing for me?

Generally speaking it takes a very special person to be able to have real friends of the opposite gender. I think women in general delude themselves into thinking they have male friends, they don't. They have guys who either want to screw them or who find them unattractive but harmless.

 

Dammit, Tal, you ruined it!

So I guess I'll go with this instead:

And I bet you have lots of experience.

 

I'd have more sympathy but the past year has pretty much demonstrated person 1 - whatever gender or sexual orientation - should grow a spine and stop mooning.

If someone enters a friendship with ulterior motives and expecting to get laid from it they pretty much don't deserve the friendship in the first place.

 

There have actually been studies that showed that generally a man-woman friendship tends not to be stable in the long term because men tend to become attracted to the woman and want more. Most of the time men are also very good in deluding themselves that anything a woman says or does is somehow a sign that she wants him.

I try to be somewhat aware of this, so I deliberately tell myself that whatever sign I think I'm picking up, it probably isn't really there. Makes it actually pretty easy to remain friends with women, in my experience. Frustrated a few women who actually wanted more, though. Luckily it's all a non-issue for me nowadays.

But in general, I'd say that the friendzone can only exist if person 1 permits it to exist. After all, all you have to do is admit that it's not going to work and walk away. I suppose that admitting is the hardest part, but it takes a special kind of blindness to keep running headlong into the wall without realising it's there, too.

 

WHAAAAT? What kind of man are you to believe friendzone is anything but a path to friends-with-benefits-zone?!?!?

 

There is no spoon.

 

Heya eight, haven't seen you around in a while.

 

Certainly not in a friendzone relationship....