What are your best comebacks?

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Personally, I'm not very good when it comes to saying witty things. When somebody says something, I always think of something to retort two hours later.
However, I have had my moments. One of them was many years ago, when I was in high school. The teacher was talking about how, in Canada, at least, you needed a high school diploma to be a garbage man (I have no idea what the correct term is in english). Then, this really obnoxious guy sitting behind me told me: "That's what your going to do when you grow up". I turned around and said: "Yeah, and I'm going to pick you up". Might not be the best, to some people's standards, but to me, this was victory at it's best!

What about you guys? What are your best comebacks?

 

ah yes, comebacks and insults. So much fun. Well, I've diccovered that somewhat homosexual responses work really, really well. for instance, guy says to me (no provocation, just being random), "Max, how bout you shut the f**k up." I respond, "How bout I kiss you instead." He darn near fainted. Or I ask if they need a hug. or something along those lines. I think I scare people that way. However, most people aren't comfortable saying that kind of stuff-so it might not work for you

 

My personal favorite is F*** You.

 

Well, I had a pretty bad one once... There was this new worker at the group home, and when he said something about "Learning the rules" or the like, I asked him: "Are you house-trained?"

Also, there was this one yeasterday that isn't really tyranslatable. Basivcally one of the workers told me that he was going to keep an eye on me, and he used the word "kyylätä" which is a rude way of saying it, so I told him there was no need for him to do that, seeing as he is such a goon, seeing as "goon" translates as "kyylä"

Other good ones.. hmm... When I was in seventh grade, the headmaster (Who has a volley ball up his arse... the bastard) was going to give detention for me and my friend for skipping a lesson, when he wouldn't have done anyything to the other girl whose idea the whole thing was, I wenbt and asked him "How much does the political standpoint of a student's parents affect your judgement?" and ran like hell. I was later told he turned red and started to stutter, but that detention was never mentioned again

Ara
(WHo got a new gem and didn't even notice.. figures...)

 

I'm not great with comebacks. But I have been able to dish out one or two durning my fressman year.....but I cant remember them any right now. I'm like you Triactus, I think of one two hours later.

 

Hmmm...I can't really say I remmeber all of my comebacks - I usually just make them up as I go! My friends and I were pretty merciless on one another, so we got good at it!

My favorite line to my friends if they can't do something or are whining about soemthing is: "Oh that reminds me...the dry cleaner called - Your skirt is ready to be picked up!"

 

Well... Some people know that every Sunday my brother's friends come over and there's this one white guy that likes me(ewwwwwwwwwww). Anyways, they always treat me like I never know what I'm talking about so one day everyone was playing pool when the white guy gets in a ball. He starts bragging about he all this skill and it wasn't luck that got the ball in, so finally I told him, "What skill?" It sure shut him up.

 

I have to stick with the classics ....

I know you are, what am I?
I'm rubber, you're glue, everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you!

For more witicisms, watch Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure

 

Keep it short and simple. Trading back insults gets you nowhere. But my personal favorite?

"C'Jakob, you're such a stupid f*ggot who doesn't know anything."
"Likewise."

 

Not exactly a comeback but i remembered when Mathetais mentioned the rubber glue comeback. I heard that first in the monkey island games and the one that i use on the person who actually introduced me to the moneky island games is "how appropiate you fight like a cow". It's the reply to something like "you look like a milkmaid". It really pisses him off because i always use it out of context. It also confuses most people who haven't played the monkey island games.
Other comeback examples - the steriotypical black one - "Your Mama"
Can't think of any others at the moment.

 

When somebody says: You're ugly, or you're stupid! I always reply whit: Do I look that much like your girlfriend?

By any other thing you can always reply with:

O yeah? Well I think you'r shoes are pretty ugly to!

That will make them confused!

Those from Monkey Island are briljant! I gonna look if there is a place to find them all and post them here

[This message has been edited by SleepleSS (edited July 23, 2002).]

 

Or the ever popular (In 6th grade, mind you): The last time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur and broke my wooden underwear!!!

 

Here we Go:

Insult: Every enemy I've met I've annihilated!
Reply: With your breath, I'm sure they all suffocated.

Insult: You're as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee.
Reply: I look THAT much like your fiancée?

Insult: Would you like to be buried or cremated?
Reply: With you around, I'd prefer to be fumigated.

Insult: Heaven preserve me! You look like something that's died!
Reply:The only way you'll be preserved is in formaldehyde.

Insult: I'll skewer you, like a sow at a buffet.
Reply: When I'm done with YOU, you'll be a boneless fillet!

Insult: Killing you would be justifiable homicide.
Reply:Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide.

Insult: En garde! Touché!
Replyh, that is so cliché!

Insult: Throughout the Caribbean my great deeds are celebrated!
Reply: Too bad they're all fabricated.

Insult:When your father first saw you, he must have been mortified.
Reply: At least mine can be identified.

Insult: You can't match my witty repartee.
Reply: I could, if you would use some breath spray.

Insult: I can't rest until you've been exterminated!
Reply: Then perhaps you should switch to decaffeinated.

Insult: You're the ugliest monster ever created.
Reply:If you don't count all the ones you've dated.

Insult: I'll leave you devastated, mutilated and perforated.
Reply:Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated, and infuriated!

Insult:Coming face to face with me must leave you petrified.
Reply:Is that your face? I thought it was your backside!

Insult:I'll hound you night and day!
Reply: Then be a good dog. Sit! Stay!


This is the END for you, you gutter-crawling cur!
And I've got a little TIP for you, get the POINT?

Soon you'll be wearing my sword like a shish kebab!
First you better stop waiving it like a feather-duster.

My handkerchief will wipe up your blood!
So you got that job as janitor, after all.

People fall at my feet when they see me coming.
Even BEFORE they smell your breath?

I once owned a dog that was smarter then you.
He must have taught you everything you know.

You make me want to puke.
You make me think somebody already did.

Nobody's ever drawn blood from me and nobody ever will.
You run THAT fast?

You fight like a dairy farmer.
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.

I got this scar on my face during a mighty struggle!
I hope now you've learned to stop picking your nose.

Have you stopped wearing diapers yet?
Why, did you want to borrow one?

I've heard you were a contemptible sneak.
Too bad no one's ever heard of YOU at all.

You're no match for my brains, you poor fool.
I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them.

You have the manners of a beggar.
I wanted to make sure you'd feel comfortable with me.

I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!
Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

There are no words for how disgusting you are.
Yes there are. You just never learned them.

I've spoken with apes more polite then you.
I'm glad to hear you attended your family reunion.

Today, by myself, twelve people I've beaten.
From the size of your gut I'd guess they were eaten.

I've got muscles in places you've never even heard of.
It's too bad none of them are in your arms.

Give up now, or I'll crush you like a grape!
I would if it would stop your WINE-ING.

My ninety-eight year old grandmother has bigger arms than you!
Yeah, but we both got better bladder control than you do.

I'm going to put your arm in a sling!
Why, ya studying to be a nurse?

My stupefying strength will shatter your ulna into a million pieces!
I'm surprised you can count that high!

Hey, look over there!
Yeah, yeah I know: it's a three headed monkey.

Your knuckles I'll grind to a splintery paste.
I thought that the been dip had a strange taste.

Your arms are no bigger than fleas that I've met!
So THAT'S why you're scratching. I'd go see a vet.

People consider my fists lethal weapons!
Sadly, your breath should be equally reckoned.

Only once have I met such a coward!
He must have taught you everything you know.

You're the ugliest creature I've ever seen in my life.
I'm shocked that you've never gazed at your wife.

My forearms have been mistaken for tree trunks!
An over-the-counter defoliant could help with that problem.

I've out-wrestled octopi with these arms!
I'm sure that spineless creatures everywhere are humbled by your might.

Do I see quivers of agony dance on your lip?
It's laughter that's caused by your feathery grip.

 

Can anyone say 'Monkey Island 3'?

 

I just thought of one other comeback I did, and I actually invented this one!
Somebody once told me something like "You ugly feak". And I answered by "I'm not a mirror, you know".
Cracks me up every time.

 

A friend and I were arguing as usual and she said I was being too bossy, she said 'Who are you? My mother?' I replied 'Now that you mention that...' Or when Blackcat said that he'd got into the grammar school I replied 'oh so you got into Parkstone then?' (The girls Grammar school) had him stumped for hours, until he finally realised why everyone was laughing

 

"And your point is?"

 

The best comebacks is very often to act like you hadnt even understood their insults. A simple 'mmmkay' works wonders in many situations.

 

This is my fav:

insult: "Stop acting like a smart ass!"
reply: "Would you rather have me act like a dumb ass?!"

That always shuts them up!

-or-

Fu@# You!!!

That one usually works as well

 

My kids always ask me (whiney voice) "how come he gets to do that and I have to do this?"
So I say, everytime, no matter who asks me, "Because I love him more."