The Presbyterians of Penzance

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[A throwaway joke in another post inspired me to post this here. It's only funny if you've seen The Pirates of Penzance and know Presbyterianism...uh, that probably doesn't include any of you.]


Heretics:
For he is a Presbyterian!

Converts:
He is! Hurrah for the Presbyterian!

Elder:
And it is, it is a glorious thing to be a Presbyterian!

Converts:
It is! Hurrah for the Presbyterian! Hurrah for the Presbyterian!

Elder:
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian,
I've information venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
I know that some have tried to make me turn Episcopalian,
But I find their theology is altogether alien...

I'm very well acquainted too with matters theological,
I even try to tease out passages deemed paradoxical,
I may not cross the Baptists on some matters theoretical,
But like the Baptists stay away from substances intoxical!

Converts and Heretics:
But like the Baptists stay away from substances intoxical,
But like the Baptists stay away from substances intoxical,
But like the Baptists stay away from substances intoxi-toxical!

Elder:
I'm very good at mixing terms and angering the Lutherans,
I qualified for blacklisting by Methodistic Wesleyans,
In short, in matters venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian!

Converts and Heretics:
In short, in matters venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
He is the very model of a modern Presbyterian!

Elder:
I know our Bible history, King David and Jehoshaphat,
I recognize the difference between Sinai and Ararat,
I know the implications of a Samsonific donkey bat,
And like the judges know the tools to use if enemies are fat...

I can tell undoubted manuscripts from forgeries and heresies,
I know the Levite chorus from Davidic psalmic melodies,
And I can prove conclusively the Bible's more than fairy tales,
And quote the lines and sing the songs from every single Veggietales!

Converts and Heretics:
And quote the lines and sing the songs from every single Veggietales,
And quote the lines and sing the songs from every single Veggietales,
And quote the lines and sing the songs from every single Veggie-Veggietales!

Elder:
Then I can clarify the politics of the Assyrians,
And understand the dreams of all the sleepless Babylonians,
In short, in matters venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian!

Converts and Heretics:
In short, in matters venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
He is the very model of a modern Presbyterian!

Elder:
In fact, when I know what is meant by "total" and "depravity",
When I have sworn off risking an Ecclesiastic vanity,
When I can treat Westminster West with due respect and gravity,
And when I know precisely how Arminians risk fantasy...

When I use the five points as less a tactic than a strategy,
When I can pour contempt on reconstructionist theonomy,
In short, when I've a smattering of scriptural reality,
You'll say a better Presbyterian has never lived so free!

Converts and Heretics:
You'll say a better Presbyterian has never lived so free,
You'll say a better Presbyterian has never lived so free,
You'll say a better Presbyterian has never lived so - lived so free!

Elder:
For my catechismic knowledge, since I'm not a seminarian,
Hits up against the limits of my presupposed invariance,
But still, in matters venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
I am the very model of a modern Presbyterian!

Converts and Heretics:
In short, in matters venerable, ancient, and sectarian,
He is the very model of a modern Presbyterian!

 

/me falls on the floor in hysterics, to the concern of my co-workers!

That, Sir, was funnier than should be legal! I can absolutely hear Kevin Kline this very minute!

 

Hilarious! That is the best comic song I have ever heard based on the aforementioned. Kudos and everything else good!

 

Don't really have a reply, just thought that this was too good to let drop off the "20 day list". Bravo to GM. Have you considered music by Andrew Lloyd Webber...or perhaps Mel Brooks?