The Eleemosynary Mercenary (silly poetry)

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Legends tell the story of a kindly-hearted mercenary -
purely-motivated, whose desires, if fiduciary,
sprung from an ambition for enacting eleemosynary
scholarships for students (elementary and secondary).

If he had consulted with a slightly savvy actuary,
asking, "Is there danger? Is it risky?" (answers: "Much" and "Very"),
perhaps he would have been dissuaded from selecting such a scary
method for procuring monies meant to keep kids stationary
(not to be confused with children's illustrated stationery)
in classrooms, locked at desks, instead of playing at vacationary
school-less lives where only fun and games fill the itinerary.

Briefly, it is true, he thought of joining as a legionary,
but he found the pay was nothing if not quite illusionary
since the static gains were rotted by the rough, inflationary
winds that coursed and coarsened by the government's weak budgetary
self-control, and how their regular and reckless monetary
printing of new currency devalued any hope to marry
paychecks and true charity if he should, in his spending, tarry.

On his first assignment as a thus-untested mercenary -
commissioned by the locals to protect some female dignitary
who was being stalked by an embittered revolutionary
threatening to gnash a knife directly through her pulmonary
(or, if that should fail, at least strike through her hearty coronary) -
he was overcome - no, quite enamored - of this visionary,
oh-so-lovely woman who looked like some real-life garden fairy
('cept she stood at six-foot-two, with other bits proportionary).

Sad to say, the legends tell that this adoring mercenary
found love unrequited from the oh-so-lovely dignitary -
but love at first slight blinded, and if only he had been more wary
perhaps he'd not have been surprised, and might have thought to quickly parry,
when the first and second blows rained down from an evasionary
enemy who stepped from shadows only long enough to bury
sharpened knives inside the chest of our beloved mercenary
(or, to be specific, in his pulmonary-coronary).

Down he fell, but not before he lashed and slashed his craven quarry,
driving home the point upon the wicked revolutionary.
"I did it for the students!" moaned the maledictor, "Please, sir, spare me!" -
at which the bleeding guard backed off, assured at once the dignitary
had no more to fear from this assassin, though she still seemed chary.
"I would've said the same thing," echoed our beleagured mercenary,
"except, of course, your second bit, that coward-sounding corollary."
Alas, it was too late, and both fell at her feet, both dead - and very.

Still today the students weep to think of this sad mercenary
who died unloved and unsuccessful in his eleemosynary
goals for scholarships for all (even a revolutionary).
Still the students weep, because, in fact, the lovely dignitary,
deeply touched by his ambition, made it quite compulsorary
that every child 'til eighteen should be compelled to study (very
many students wish that he had joined instead the legionary).
The moral of the tale: Before you work, check with an actuary!

[ June 24, 2004, 23:10: Message edited by: Grey Magistrate ]

 

I had to start this off by looking up “eleemosynary”
And once I did that, then I read this poem much extraordinary
But now, I hope this rhythm in my head is only temporary
And I must resist the urge to finish sentences with rhymes for “airy”

 

"Extraordinary" and "temporary" - two great words that I missed! Thanks, Splunge!

Maybe I should add another stanza...

 

Maybe it is a bit scary
That all lines rhyme with Fairy?

 

That father of that fair lady dignitary
who was beautiful as a classical fairy
but was six foot three when stationary
(with all of her bits precisily proportionary)
decided there should be a great sanctuary
for the greatest of all mercenary.

He called in a muse to create for the wary
a poem composed in the heat of a dairy
and although the father was a man named Gary
he paid the muse with a very fresh cherry
and proceeded to post that nice poem merry
on an internet board known to be eleemosynary.
- - - - - - - - -
Maybe it happened, maybe it didn't vary
but that is what I have written fairly
so shall it be known the man known as Gary
is actually the Gray Magistrate very.

 

It seems it's become customary
To reply with words of "ary."
Perhaps my input's complementary
To this thread of buffoonery.

My views on this are quite contrary.
I dislike this vocabulary.
While it may seem intellectuary,
I believe it's inflammatory.

My mind has left the mass primary,
And wanders darkened paths most scary.
If not for the net's dictionary,
I'd have not scribed this foolery.

---

I know it's terrible, but my mind wouldn't shut up until I'd written it.

[EDIT] Realised the last line doesn't work. Changed.