Sexuality and Its Development

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I should begin by saying that this is a completely theoretical construct. There is no issue between my wife and I, and the soon to be Mini-Fop on the way. It’s just something that I’ve been thinking of given some recent developments in my extended family and friends.

Most people become aware of their sexuality during puberty. While the actual onset of puberty varies from person to person, a general range of 10 to 14 would cover most people. It is odd that your initial impression of sexuality is based on your life and experiences as a non-sexual person up to that point. However, as you go through puberty to young adulthood, most people’s views on this topic change considerably. What do you feel are the most important factors in these changes and developments?

I can think of three principal factors, all of which can be covered under the larger umbrella of social factors.

The first, and most obvious, is that as we age, what is important to us, and what we are looking for, change dramatically. In high school, you’re looking for a date to the prom, while in adulthood, you’re looking for a spouse. The second is peer influence (in this particular case, I think influence is a better word than pressure). As your friends start going on dates, you tend to as well. Finally, I think your upbringing up to that point plays a large role too, especially in regards to sexual mores placed upon us by the religion we follow.

In the end, everyone develops their own sense of what is right and what is wrong. Everyone makes their own decisions on when it’s OK to kiss a member of the opposite sex, and when to start having sex. And that’s the rub. Since everyone is different, it is quite likely that the person you become romantically involved with has different views on what is acceptable and what is not, and when.

No place does this become more apparent than if people have been raised with different religious beliefs, even though I think for most people that is a less important factor in development of sexuality than the others I mentioned. It's no big deal for the prom date, but a big deal for someone you wish to marry. Many religions have a belief in chastity prior to marriage, and other religions require any children to be raised according to their faith even if the couple is of different faiths. How are these views adequately reconciled? And do you believe there is a point where if these views are too different it is adequate grounds to end a relationship? Should religion be the ultimate factor, or should love conquer all?

 

Luckily I live in a pretty much completely non-religious country. You, living in strongly religious country probably place more emphasis on this kind of stuff. Here, if you like a girl, and she likes you and there's a definite attraction. The kisses come very soon and most people are pretty open and relaxed and quite willing to have sex as early as possible. Some people are a bit more reserved, of course, but in general, young people are quite happy to have sex with someone they're attracted to here. It's not thought of as a big thing, it's just a bit of fun. Why shouldn't sex be a pleasurably sharing of fun between two consenting adults? I'm not going to deny myself just because some religion says I should. If a girl is holding out sex, I'd start to get worried and probably paranoid. Does she not like me physically? Have she got some kind of problem down below? Thrush, god forbid? I wouldn't for a second think it was religion, and would probably dump her if it was that. I'd hate to get married to someone, get tied down emotionally and financially without having sex with someone first. What if they're rubbish? You've been hook, lined and sinkered then big time.

Religion is bumf really, no place for it in todays modern world, but I guess that's for another thread (and a kind of thread that's a bit of a dead horse now, no point beating it again).

 

I think fiction--and nonfiction as well--has to play a role as well. If your only exposure to romance has been through movies, books, and your parents, that's probably going to affect your outlook.

 

I grew up sheltered, in a rather conservative family. My views were extremely romantic for a long time. That said, I'm a late starter, staying a virgin well into my 20s. I clearly think that it clearly depends on how you grew up, and how your friends are. When I today hear about ages like 14 or even less for the first sexual contact I think that's not a good thing - IMO kids at that age are emotionally not ready for that. If I would be a parent, I'd be angry with my kids for that. When I remember what my hormones did with me when I had my first sex ... yikes.

Now being grown up, I'm amazed, how when one goes out, it's often the girls digging the boys, and quite direct and open. Today woman and girls know very well what they want. I feel that in Germany religion plays relatively small a role in dating and when people have sex. Some girls, quite candidly, say there is a 'Mr. Perfect', a 'Mr. Right' and occasionally a 'Mr. Good Enough'. Many other people feel like having sex only with 'the right one'. Fair enough. But then I know some 40 year old virgins (who'd really be well advised to ...).

Good guilt-free sexuality without love and with respect for the partner exists and without false pretenses it can be a very positive thing. I concede that with love it's better, and different.

A good friend of mine hit on a girl and what was supposed to be a one night stand ended up with them being deeply in love and they're moving together soon, with (IMO) a marriage ahead. Love is a weird thing. You never really know until it hits. And then again, sometimes love just goes away, too.

 

Barmy pretty much echoed my thoughts on this. I'm quite happy to keep myself out of a temple and even more happy to keep religion out of my bedroom. Being non-religious I don't exactly concern myself with what religion my children should be brought up as. I won't take them to church or expect them to say their prayers before bed or anything like that. That being said I wouldn't be able to abide a wife that was heavily religious, I don't care how much I love her but I am not going to church every week, saying grace before dinner or anything like that.

Currently my girlfriend is a Bhudist (not sure if I spelt that right) and I don't mind one bit, of all the religions it's actually the one I respect the most. Certainly they have their little ceremonies but she can pretty much do that stuff on her own and she doesn't mind that I don't follow the same religion as she does. That being said, she isn't even a heavy practicier of the religion anyway.

When it comes to sexual intercourse I feel it should be something that two people who are in a romantic relationship should do provided they're careful with contraceptives. I see no reason why people can't have sex, it feels good, most fun you can have without laughing, great stress relief and exercise and what's more it's the best way to make up after you've had a spat with your significant other.

 

in Denmark there was a lot of talk about the first experience being moved to younger ages and so on, along with all the debate about revealing cloth, but actually a new research a couple of months ago showed that the average teen had his first experience ad the age of 16.

thier will allways be people who try it very early, i know a girl who is four years younger then me, who had her experience at the age of 13, that i thought was a bit to young. but imho, i say, go when you feel ready, not before. its hard to put an age on it because some mature faster then others

 

Though there is some evidence that suggests that puberty's onset is sooner now than it was several thousand years ago (perhaps due to changing diet), humans' DNA hasn't really changed in thousands of years.

Historically, it wasn't unusual at all to have sex at 13 or 14. Many people were married, working, and fighting (and dying) in wars at that age. Look at the Jewish tradition of Mitzvah.

It's only relatively recently that we've decided it's okay to live at home and be an X-Box-playing bum until you're 27, so people having sex at 13 is shocking. I don't think it was so shocking 1,000 or 10,000 years ago, especially considering the average lifespan was so short.

 

Fink,
when a girl of 14 gets pregnant she will have a very hard time finishing her education. Odds are she won't. Means she will be a mother for the rest of her life. If she finishes her education she will probably expect more from life than just breeding and raising children. We have adjusted our societies and expectations to that reality. That is the Western view.

 

ragusa, heard of condoms, p-pills and so forth? its some wonderfull stuff thats bin around for decades, in case of the condom its over a 100 years.

thier are such things as save sex, despite what the chatolic church and other very conservative want you to believe

 

Yes and since they came along we've been completely free of sexually transmitted diseases and teen pregnancies.

Well no... There is relatively safe and "safe enough" sex but it's never completely certain. Condoms have been known to fail, it's rare certainly but does happen especially if not applied with care. The term safe sex is in my opinion a bit misleading because the risk of STD's or pregnancy can exist no matter what preventation you choose to use.

That being said, I would agree that everyone needs to decide for themselves when is the right time to have sex. It's important that sexual education is passed along (preferrably to kids in their early teens) since it's important that when teens do it they atleast know what they're doing. Of course sexual education should not forget to mention that the best way of avoiding STD's and abortions is to not have sex at all until you're ready to face the possible consequences of your actions.

 

no, but it has dropped from being a norm, to a rarety. do to condoms.
every data we have shows that promoting save sex saves more then promoting abstinens, just look at teen birth and sexual transmitted desease statistic in african-catholic countries or Utah.

and trying to keep teens from experiementing with sex is impossible and quite stupid. better to inform them of the risks and what measurements they can take to prevent them.

thirdly in case of unwanted pregnancy or risk thereof there are a couple of extreme measuremence you can take. the morning after pill (which works for 72hours after the intercouse) and abortion.

so the only teen pregnancies i have any pity with are the forced ones (through being denied abortion). which is the only possible way a teen can be pregnant in denmark without wanting it.

and sexual transmitted deseases are seldomly a danger in the early teens.

 

No, don't. It has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with sexuality.

 

I've been waiting a good excuse to slip this in into some discussion:

Sex education

 

Equester, Morgoroth is correct, if you need a counterargument, just look at this - this is happening well in the age of pill and condoms.

 

Followed by:

Rally, I'm not Jewish and therefore, certainly not an authority on the subject. However, when taking the whole quote in question, I interpreted it to mean that in ages past people were considered adults at a much younger age than they are now, and that the Mitzvah was considered a ritual passage into adulthood (I certainly stand to be corrected). While being married certainly suggests sexuality, I do not think that was what he was specifically addressing, but rather stating that the stage of adolesence we have today was much shorter or skipped entirely in ages past.

 

/me prepares to get flamed

I believe the right moment to kiss is when you feel some love for the person. Sex? When you're married. To that person, of course. In marriage, it's still not like everything goes. For one, it has to be consensual. Asking is okay. Blackmailing or whining someone into it is not. Neither is withholding it. I also believe that if there is foreplay, there should be normal intercourse in the picture - not just some playing and leaving the other person needy. That wouldn't be charitable. Of course, it's not like if someone gets a headache or I don't know... there's someone wanting something (mother in law, whoever), then you need to go on blaaah. No. But there's the Catholic belief that certain things are not meant for toying with and human feelings or needs belong there. And no, I'm not abnormal or have any fears.

It took me some time. Initially, I didn't agree with the idea one should wait until marriage. But I was convinced before anything happened. I didn't believe contraception was wrong, now I do. I also believe abortion to be wrong (I don't have enough knowledge to deal with medical "necessity", but if it really existed, it would be quite hard to hold the woman liable for saving her life at the child's expense; all other causes are selfish and evil and certainly don't merit the killing of a child).

Speaking of children, yes, I have to get them raised Catholic.

 

So leaving a man high and dry is a sin according to Catholics? Hmm... conversion rates must be soaring now

 

I agree with most people there, sex is something to be shared with your loved one and can be great fun. I strongly believe if both partners are okay with what they are doing then what's the problem? I was baptised in the catholic church but I don't believe in its dogma anymore. I don't see why I should deny my sexual desires, and my girlfriend's just to please some priest. I'm aware sex is never safe but with condoms and the pills I never, ever had any problems whatsoever.

I think denying your sexual desires for too long can lead to problem in the future, you're bound to get some relation problems with that. Likely to be bitter about it and thinking it's wrong for some reason. It's in the nature of humans why deny it?

 

@AFI: Let me start by explaining what a "mitzvah" (pl., "mitzvot") is. Literally, it's a commandment - any one of the 613 religious obligations that Jews are required to observe, although it can be applied more generally to mean a good deed. When a Jew reaches the age of 13, he or she becomes "bar (bat) mitzvah" - "son (daughter) of the commandment." It means that this person is now obligated to carry out the duties of the adult Jew. That's all - nothing to do with sexuality or marriage or war.

 

Most early societies held that when a boy or girl reached puberty they were adults and therefore took on the responsibility of adults.

It usually entailed a lot of do's and don'ts and it certainly didn't mean sexual freedom especially for women.

Actually the child gave up the freedom of childhood and took on the restrictions of adulthood.