Puns

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Anybody know any good puns?

There are some truly horrible ones on
http://cartalk.cars.com/Mail/Haus/2001/08.25-3.html

 

I feel that it is a new dawn for the ivory white cleaning aisles in grocery stores. A new era of cleaning products, sweeping in like a tide of lava, that will wisk away dirt forever, has begun. These products pledge to dial in on dirt and soap scum with a cascade of determination. They are bold and brawny, with little to loose and much to gain. These fine heroes bring much joy and cheer to millions around the world. Take the time to salute your local cleaning aisle the next time you pass by.

 

CL turns up naked to a fancy-dress party with only a girl clinging on to his back. the host confronts him, asking where his costume is. CL points to his back "This is me costume... ahm a snail, and this is Michelle!".

edit: hold on, just red big bee's message... um, what?!

[This message has been edited by the god (edited February 26, 2002).]

 

Guy walks into a bar and askes the bartender for a light... the bartender pulls out a huge cigarette lighter for the guy... the guy askes "Where did you get that big lighter"... the bartender replies "See that little man at the end, he's a genie, and if you ask him he'll grant you a wish, but he's hard of hearing so you'll have to speak up."... the guy couldn't contain his curiousity so he walked over to the little man and asked him if he was a genie... the little man said "Sure am and I'll give you one wish"... the man hardly believeing this asked for a million bucks... just then a million ducks flew into the bar... he man thanked the genie and went back to the bartender "Well, you were right, that genie is hard of hearing"... the bartender replied "I told you, do you think I would wish for a 12 inch Bic."

 

LOL! Love that last one!!

 

I heard that one, but the bartender had a 12 inch pianist

In rural Alabama old Ned had an ornery goat. This goat was vicious, and broke through every rope, strap or harness that he had.

So Old Ned read a book on how to cure leather and found out that it would get stronger if it was soaked in vinegar. Taking the advice, Ned bought a new leather harness and soaked it in vinegar. He let it dry, and soaked it again. For weeks he soaked & dried the harness until he was sure it would hold anything.

Taking the Vinegar laden harness he slipped it over the vicious goat's head. As the last step, he slipped the leather mouth strap (still tasting of vinegar) into the goat's mouth.

Well the goat tasted all the vinegar and through a tantrum. He ripped the harness out of Ned's hand, and chased him into the house. Ned barely closed the door before the goat got him, and sat in horror as the goat continued to voice its wrath on his stoop.

Just then an old wiseman walked past and said, "This proves the ancient adage ... build a bitter mouth-strap and the world with bleat in wrath at your door"

[This message has been edited by Mathetais (edited February 26, 2002).]

 

Naked woman walks into a bar holding a duck under her arm... bartender says "We don't serve pigs"... woman says "This sir is a duck"... bartender replies "I was talking to the duck"

 

From my dear-old-dad ....

One warm spring day at the zoo a large crowd gathered by the porpoise tank in fascination. The two fishy mammals were engaging in the activity that most mammals engage in during Springtime (use your imagination )

Well, the Zoo-Keeper was aghast! He couldn't have children watching this, but he had no clue how to stop them. He couldn't really throw water on them.... then an idea hit him. The only thing porpoises like better than sex is FOOD ... gull meat to be exact.

So the Zoo-Keeper took of in a run for the supply shed. The Crowds blocked his normal path, so he took a short-cut through the lion cage .... fortunately the lion was over 20 years old and tended to sleep most of the day.

Grabbing the gull meat, the Zoo-keeper re-traced his steps. He jumped over the lion, left the lion cage ... and was arrested by two FBI agents.

"What did I do?" He asked in shock.

"You are under arrest for transporting a gull over a stayed lion for immoral porpoises!"

 

A buddhist goes up to a hotdog vendor and says "make me one with everything".

 

Big B good one..I think im the only one that got that, or atleast the only one that posted saying as much.

Man walked into a bar...damn he shoulda ducked.

[edit] --to anyone that didnt get Big B's punish paragraph--
if you read through it closely, you will notice that the words are very carefully chosen so that it is using the brand names of cleaning products. hope that helps. [/edit]

[This message has been edited by DeBhaal Stasion (edited March 01, 2002).]

 

Ok? You wanna maybe share this with the other children so we can all laugh?

 

i'm a pun-loving guy. (river phoenix is dead)

 

Pun-loving! I love it . Yeah as DeBhaal Stasion put it, all of these are brand names of cleaning products:

-Dawn
-Ivory
-Era
-Tide
-Lava
-Wisk
-Pledge
-Dial
-Cascade
-Bold
-Brawny
-Gain
-Joy
-Cheer

I used to work in a grocery store. Stocking the shelves on the cleaning aisle was always a fun one . Whoops, make that a "pun" one .

 

Don't squeeze the shaman!