My Stand Up Comedy

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Walk on to Dr. Who theme. Wait till it dies down.
I've been learning to play that on guitar. It's such a disappointment to discover that there is no choice space sound string. I am a big fan of the Dr. Big fan of Jesus too. I have a question for you, the audience. Loving audience, who laugh at my jokes. Do I look like Jesus? I was driving to school the other day, and I jumped out of my Datsun 180b. Yeah, Datsun. My Datsun, cost me 50 dollars. Bargain. Anyway, jumped out and went to get some fuel. I passed a guy and he just looked at me and muttered 'Jesus!'. So as he walked past, I said, 'forgive him father, he’s just a bit of a wanker.' He beat the crap out of me. Fascist.

Anyway, Alternative Lifestylin'. Great scene, just not for some. I've should know, I've done a few. Its really great, and obscenely cheap. Oh yeah, see this shirt? 7 dollars. Bargain. Anyway, I've done a few. First was the whole transvestite thing. That was mainly mums bad, she sent me to school, first day in grade one wearing a dress. Not the best first impression. Not a very good any impression, really. Who goes to school wearing a floral combination with Jade bonnet? The colour conflict was appalling. Anyway, I had been standing in the quad for all of about 10 minutes when this Huge grade seven-er waltzed up. Massive, he had a moustache. Quite intimidating, until I realised he'd been in grade 7 for 4 years. It’s hard to strike terror into the hearts of men when you can’t tie your shoelaces. That’s why the roman legionaries wore sandals. Aha yes, because they're stupid. Anyway, hearts of men... Transvestite. Yes, quite a chore to be a transvestite at school. I never really had the heart to tell the kids at school I was a transvestite, because I thought they might, you know. Kill me with sticks... But yes. He, big grade seven-er. Me, small, dressed to impress.

Oi! You. Pansy. They were terrible with names. Pansy, pansy. I was hard of hearing back then..., you heard me. The one in the dress. What’s your story.
It was my first day, fantastically naive, I replied.
I am being unique.
Eunuch more like. Your wearing a flower dress.
No its not! retorted I. Its a "floral arrangement with a cute little rose brooch and lavender slacks." He beat the crap out of me. Fascist.

Yes, Tarzan didn’t appreciate the subtleties of diplomacy. The cross-dressing thing agreeably did not last. It took Mum at least 3 ripped pairs of pantyhose and a dirtied lace up blouse and skirt combination with embroidered sleeve trimmings and a periwinkle bonnet to change her mind. But, hey. Cant blame her. That was her scene.

Anyway, the new one is I am becoming a hippy. It’s a scary concept, really, when you grow up in a household that sponsored the ‘neglect a whale’ foundation. One of my favourite jokes, actually, is about hippies. This sounds corny, I mean, who tells jokes in a routine? But this one is grouse. Liquid Segway, Standup gold... What’s Red, yellow and looks great on hippies? Yeah, jus… no. Look, Fire. Fire is great on hippies. I think it anyway, big fright when I realised I was becoming one. I think it was the tie die, more so than anything else that gave it away. Maybe the pink floyd, Beatles. You know the scene. That and the pot. But yes, I am becoming a hippy, which scares me, you know. And me driving in my Datsun. With the Free Tibet bumper stickers. You'd be amazed at how often 'I’m holding it for a friend' works with the pot, but as soon as it hits the Datsun... same excuse doesn’t work. The thing is, NOBODY holds a Datsun. Anyway, looks like my time is up, thank you!

[ March 14, 2004, 08:25: Message edited by: Baezlebub ]

 

The funniest thing about stand-up comedy is the timing and it's hard to pick up the comic timing of the delivery when it is written down.

 

Baezlebub. 10/10! ROFL. I needed that. Especially the Dr Who theme. But really that was grouse. I hope that you get it on tape sometime. I wanna hear it. Perhaps Tal could host a small MP3 here on SP?

 

Hehe, the delivery makes it funny. I don't know if Tal would be up for it though. Not very 'RPG' themed.

Ta, though. Thats one person who laughed. I'm aiming at at least some pity laughter.

 

That was some funny s*** Baezlebub, seriously. That really is some good stuff there. Much better than most stand-up comics I've heard. Though I must admit, hearing it would certainly add to the humour as far as timing and so forth.

 

Thanks for that. I performed it on Wednesday. I must say, it went realyl well. My voice sounds really sexy over a mic, which led to the development of my nickname Sexy Cal. That and my undeniably good looks.

Anyway, I got laughter before I even hit the stage because of the Dr. Who. And from there, it just rocked on. No one even noticed the little bit of stolen material there. The bit about killing with sticks... thats Eddie Izzard, not me. But hey. Can't win them all.

I even got to improvise a bit, and they found it funny. I was stoked. Anyway, if Tal submits, I'll put it onto a wav and send it in.