Matthew 25, Revisited (poem)

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[A friend asked me to write her a poem about sheep. You'll only get the joke if you've read the second half of Matthew 25...fortunately, she got it.]


He slowly oozed out of his polka-dot Porsche,
shmelling of whishkey (the finesht, of coursche),
and planted his rhinestone boots upon the ground.
His green jeans were coated with diamonds a'glitter,
each pocket packed full of high-priced pocket litter,
a testament to his own spinning that glaze may abound.

He shook out his powder-blue velvet tuxedo --
stitched, stretched, and straightened by some man named Guido --
and loosened the knot in his dandelion tie.
His ten-gallon hat, like some would-be sombrero,
looked like someone spilled on it cold cappuccino,
obscuring the threads of white gold used in lieu of a dye.

His contacts were tinted, one blue and one red,
(in case of some chance 3-D movie, he'd said),
but still he wore glasses for the added je ne sais quoi.
The spectacles shone with a pulsating neon
that made equally hard to look through or to look on
that flashed in a three-second pattern (that's un, deux, et trois).

"How could you do this?" the driver demanded,
looking at where his front bumper had landed
and crunched up the rear of some Ford inconveniently parked.
"I thought you were going to get out of my way!"
with soapable words that one ought not to say,
at least out in public, as his mother might have remarked.

The thin woman meekly emerged from her car,
shaken, not stirred, by the shock, and so far
she had tried to stay patient and not reply in kind.
But seeking to get some small legal assurance,
she asked, rather softly, for the other's insurance,
at which point the man in the tux screamed, "You're out of your mind!"

"I'm already late for my next fashion show!
I've twelve models waiting, not ready to go,
and I won't waste my time with some pipsqueak who's so poorly clothed!"
She winced and considered her Goodwill attire,
as stylish and neat as her wage could acquire,
while he roared, "Move aside! I insist that this matter is closed!"

"I've sunk more in cash in these things that I wear
than you'll see in your lifetime -- you'd better beware,
I can pay for a lawyer with only the shirt off my back."
He thought of his pals, and he gave this reminder:
"You may think I'm merely a fashion designer,
but my friends in Milan know the way to get you back."

The lady quite rightly took this as a threat
but knew she could hardly pay off any debt
accrued from repairs of the damages wreaked on her Ford.
Despite her real fears of some imminent harm,
she took a step back and set off the alarm
in the car, which called a policeman to quickly run forward.

"Stay back, buddy," warned the policeman, then turning,
"That's a nice dress you're wearing," he added, while spurning
the mutters and sputters as the designer strove to approach.
"It's her fault!" he hissed, his breath laced with liquor,
but the man with the badge, unimpressed by his bicker,
said, "Now it's the time when we separate the chic from the gauche."

 

*gasp* Grey Magistrate is back!

Anyway, I liked it, even though (assuming Matthew 25 is from the bible - in particular, one of those many parts dealing with sex and farm animals ) I didn't stand much of a chance of getting "the joke" (there was a joke in there? ).

Hope your return isn't just temporary, Grey.

 

Brilliant poem, Mr. Magistrate.

*ditto on what Mr. Splunge said*

 

Nice poem. And yes, Splunge there is a joke there.

It took me a bit to get it. Read the last line out loud.

 

*snicker*

Fun

 

Hehe, Nakia, thanks for the help in understanding part of the joke.

Im not usually a poem fan myself but i have to say im impressed GM, it was brilliant.

 

Um, I still don't get it. Must be too intellectual for the likes of me.

 

Just a play on words. Maybe not intellectual enough.

 

Can someone spell the joke out to me in words that a simple New Zealander can understand? I don't want to be the only one who doesn't get the joke!

 

So is the whole thing a spoof of a passage from the Bible? No wonder I didn't get it. Is it a famous passage?

Judging from the one line that Blackthorne TA just explained, I'm sure the rest of it is just as clever (although I don't know what a 'gauche' is, other than being French for 'left')

 

Chic = stylish, smooth, debonair
Gauche = tacky, tasteless

In other words, having money and being fashionable doesn't always mean that one looks nice.

 

Wow, it's witty AND deep! Wish I was familiar with the source inspiration so I could appreciate it fully.

 

Hey, I do not think anyone is allowed to write anything that rhymes anymore.

Please report to the nearest Modern Language Association booth for incineration.

Misogynist!