Jokes of all sorts.

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I noticed some jokes being posted in the Random Babbling section, and I decided to try opening a strand devoted entirely to jokes or funny stories. Here's an oldie but a goodie to start it off:

Some days around this time of year, we all feel a little burnt out.......
When you have an "I hate my job" day try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson". Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested". Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."
Have a nice week folks and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.

 

Depaara, are you using some sort of mind-reading spell? Becouse I was just about to post the exact same topic! Anyways, I don't really know a good joke for the moment, I'll post one if I know one.

 

Ancalimon, if I had a mind reading spell, I'd be using it on Paulina Porozkova trying to figure out what turns her on.

One day a warthog was sitting by a large pond, chatting with a turtle. Out of the bushes charges a huge bull elephant who kicks the turtle clear across the pond. The warthog says "why'd you do that?"

The elephant replies, "25 years ago that little green creep bit my toe."

"Wow, what a memory!", says the warthog.

"Yup", says the elephant, "Turtle recall!"

 

Maybe it is becouse of my knowledge of English, but I do not get the joke. Turtle recall is probably an expression of some sort?

BTW woz Paulina Porozovska?

 

Turtle Recall - a pun on Total Recall
Paulina Porizkova - the 1st(?) supermodel, married Ric Ocasek of The Cars (lucky S.O.B., ugly but lucky)

Either you're very young or I'm very old or both.

Edit: Just checked your profile. You were just a wee lad when she was at the peak of her career.

 

Turtle recall - a pun on Total Recall - a film.

A joke hmmm, oh the monkey joke!!

Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. It was on drugs!

Q.Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A. It was tied to the first monkey!

Q. Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A. Peer pressure!

Q. How did the cyclist die?
A. He was hit by 3 falling monkeys!

 

To Banana's are lying on a table. Says one Banana Hey! Sais the other one: Shut up! Banana's Can't talk!

 

Here is one more joke... (and the last one I will tell):

Sadie Greenberg came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's your prescription, Mrs. Greenberg. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week’s time."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Greenberg marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Greenberg," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

 

"If you could have anything in the world for one day, What would you want?" A man asked his wife.  "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he got up bright & early & off they went to a local theme park. 

What a day!  He put her on every ride in the park:
the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, The Wall of Fear, everything there was!  WOW! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her
head reeling & her stomach upside down.  Off to McDonald's they went, here her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries & a refreshing chocolate shake.  Then it was off to a movie: The latest blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, pepsi & M&M's.  Had a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband & collapsed into bed. "Well dear," her husband leaned over & lovingly asked. "What was it like
being six again?"  "You idiot," his wife groaned, one eye opened.  "I meant my dress size!"

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks & a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

 

Two guys are walking down the street. They see a dog, sitting on the sidewalk, licking his testicles. One guy says "I really wish I could do that". His buddy replies "Don't you think you should pet him first?"

 

Sadie Greenberg had another adventure...

She had one son who FINALLY made her a grandmother! One summer day she asked to take little Isaac to the beach to show off to her mah-jongg friends. His parents dressed him up in a little sailor suit complete with matching hat, handed him his sand pail and shovel, and sent them on their way.

At one point in the day Sadie was watching Isaac play on the beach, happily filling and dumping his pail. Suddenly a huge wave swept over the beach, and when it ebbed Isaac was gone!

Sadie fell to her knees and raised her eyes to heaven. "How could you do this! He's an innocent little boy - please bring him back!" She continued to beg God to bring back her grandson, then another wave swept over the beach. This time when it ebbed there was Isaac, his sailor suit unrumpled, calmly playing with his pail and shovel.

Sadie raised her eyes to heaven one more time. Shaking her fist, she shouted "He had a hat!"

 

Three men die and go to heaven.

St. Peter lets them in there, but explains that they should not step on a duck. If they do, it will quack, and it will make all the others quack, and cause a terrible cacophony. Stepping on a duck will lead to eternal punishment.

Easy enough, the three guys think.

But heaven is filled with ducks, all of them walking all over the place.

The first guy immediately (accidentally) steps on a duck.

St. Peter says, "I warned you, my son. Now you will suffer the consequences." St. Peter then chains him to a fierce-looking Amazon.

Two weeks later, the second guy steps on a duck. St. Peter says that he warned him, and chains the duck-stepper to a shrewish-looking woman.

Six months pass, and the third guy is extremely careful not to step on a duck. St. Peter approaches him, and chains him to a gorgeous woman, uniting them for all eternity.

"Wow," he exclaims, "what did I do to deserve this heavenly reward?"

"I don't know about you," the woman says, "but I stepped on a duck."

 

Some cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later, their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the other, "Which one of you idiots are the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but noooo, you had to go and eat the secretary!"