I've Been Slack...

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After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo (and
he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing
on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope,"they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone
to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,"All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the fu*king Pope as a driver!!"

--------------------------------------

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying, "All of you bäst@rds who want off, get the
hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bäst@rds who
are getting on, get your äss in the train, Cause we're going down the
tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want
you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers
who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask
you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is
no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the
fat bitch in the kitchen."

 

Excellent.

 

Those are both kind of old but still pretty funny I

 

Bahahaha! I haven't actually heard them before. I guess it could be considered 'before my time'.

Brilliant. Bloody brilliant!

 

When you come off a hard day at work, or if you don't work at all. Barmy's jokes are always great pick me ups.

 

I didn't know them; they are very funny; I used them at work and they had a huge success, thanks Barny!!

 

I loved the Pope one, that was cool.

 

Heh those were funny

 

Pure genius! I've never heard those before...and I loved them!

 

Barmy, your jokes are the BOMB!

Damn, I am laughing SO hard...

 

Thank you, thank you.

Plenty more where they came from, keep your eyes peeled .

 

Brilliant. Hilarious. I havent heard these before. Funny as hell

 

Ler er rip mate, laughing is healthy.

 

I'd never heard the pope one. Totally cracked me up