It's a Man's Life in the Modern Imperial Legion (Morrowind)

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Well, I did something similar to this over in the Elder Scrolls forum here, but I figured I could do a better job of it with a little polishing.

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"Yessir, thank you Knight Protector. Yessir, I know I've brought in a lot of evidence today. Well, sir, it's a bit of a...convoluted story now that I think on it."

"It started when Bolrin - you know the East Empire Company merchant, don't you, sir? Well, he burst out of his hall right behind a fleeing Khajit. I was pretty close to the door, so I was able to stop the apparent Khajit thief before she could build up any speed."

"Well, sir, once Bolrin blundered into us we all caught our breath again, we got talking, the Khajit - named Salamis, sir - confessed to grabbing some of Bolrin's wares. She offered to pay the fine, and - as per standard procedure, I frisked her to retrieve the stolen goods. Strangely, the perpetrator seemed to enjoy the examination. As I was recovering Bolrin's stolen property, I found a blunt, iron dagger."

"Now, I rememebered Hrisskar Flat-Foot over in Seyda Neen raising a stink about losing a dagger of a comarade's - he was supposed to sharpen it for them, but he only found a note next to a hole in the table. What, sir? Well, I knew about this because Hrisskar was the Trooper who escorted Apelles Matius here to Ebonheart when he arrived, and I got to talking with him at the Six Fishes before he went back to Seyda Neen. See, he figured someone else must've stolen it before he got there, instead of the prevailing theory that everyone thought he threw it away to get out of sharpening it. Yessir, I know that that was over a year ago, and realized it then, but also thought it really did look like the type of dagger we issue to Recruits, so I confiscated it, sir, pending investigation into the item's true origin."

"Ah. Yessir - the diamonds were the same sort of thing; you remember Larrius Varro sending posts to all the other forts about Nalcarya of White Haven having two diamonds stolen from her shop. Yessir, nine months ago, and she didn't name a specific suspect, but the report DID say she suspected a Khajit who was buying some components around the time she noticed the diamonds go missing."

"Well, nossir, the diamonds DON'T have 'Property of Nalcarya' engraved on them, and yessir, there are six, but see - I didn't know WHICH ones were the stolen ones, so...yessir, I confiscated them all. Well, I did give Salamis a receipt! She can get them all back if we find out none of them were stolen, or just the other four-"

"Um, yessir. I suspected Salamis would be speaking with you, sir. I did give her rather a lot of receipts...Well, sir, 'enough to drown a silt strider' might be an exaggeration, but- Nossir, I don't have any definite proof that any of the items I confiscated were stolen, but-"

"Well, you see, sir, I've always has a rather precise memory; I think the Mages' Guild calls it 'perfect recall.' And- Oh? First thing you said to me, sir? Well, when I was posted with four other Recruits here two years ago, you gave us a speech about 'accomodating local customs' and how we'd have to learn to accept the Dunmer Tribunal laws that were different to what we were accustomed to. Why, yessir, I COULD recite your exact words, but I prefer to paraphrase usually, because I find people get uneasy when I repeat what they said word-for-word."

"Yessir, back to the confiscations.
Yessir.
Yessir.
Nossir, three glass daggers - each reported stolen from a different smith's shop over a two-week period.
Yessir.
Yessir.
Yessir, but that was the only daedric item that had a theft report out about it.
Yessir, a Dwemer Coherer. Yessir, I know there's been rumors about someone in Fort Pelagiad smuggling Dwemer items, that's why I- yessir, 'confiscated it pending further investigation.'"

"Well, yessir, there WERE a few items I didn't confiscate. Her clothes for one, sir, though the Khajit seemed to want me to... And there was a pair of Dwemer boots that were enchanted with Levi-"

"Yessir, I am aware that Dwemer artifacts are considered property of the Emperor, but I didn't take those because I'd actually met Salamis a month or two ago, and she'd shown off these same boots as we talked; she had gotten them as a reward for recovering a warhammer called 'Skull-Crusher' for Lalatia Varian, yessir, the Imperial Cult oracle here at Ebonheart. Since these seemed to have sufficient provenance, I let her keep them."

"Yessir, it IS a lot of items to check on. Nossir, I don't know how many evidence chests we will have to fill with 'all this rot' but I do suspect we don't have enough here in Ebonheart. Yessir, I can get started on shipping the extras off to Fort Pelagiad and Fort Moonmoth."

"Well, yessir, I do know it's going to take a lot of work to run down all these suspected stolen items. Nossir, I don't particularly look forward to doing that, but I expected I'd at least have to take part of the work being the confiscating officer. Yessir."

"What, sir? I have another option? What would that be, sir? ... Oh. Yes, I...I have heard that Fort Frostmoth has, um, been having some problems...something about 'werewolves' or something...yessir, I do know they're understaffed...yessir. Well, I'll get to work right away, sir!"

"Oh? What one last thing, sir? ... Well, nossir, I don't know exactly how Salamis was carrying all this herself; she had the standard adventuring backpack provided to any Fighters' Guild Associate, but it didn't seem 'bigger on the inside then the outside' or anything. Yessir, I guess it is one of those mysteries. Perhaps I might find something out when I start checking on the confiscated goods, sir. Yessir, by your leave, sir."

 

Sounds like something cut from Guards! Guards!.

 

Heh. I haven't played Morrowind, but given that the thread title was very Monty Python-esque, I had to take a look. Althought the content was more like a Bob Newhart routine.

Not bad, although I probably would have like it even more if I was familiar with the subject matter.

 

It's based on a glitch in Morrowind where if you steal an item...say a silver cup the guards consider any silver cup you have as stolen. A very well written piece IMO and quite funny especially if you have played Morrowind.