heavy metal concept!

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This is the situation: there's a beautiful princess trapped in a castle watched by a dragon. Here's the end of the story with different styles of metalheads as knights.


POWER METAL:

The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

TRASH METAL:

The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princes and ****s her.

HEAVY METAL:

The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few
beers and ****s the princess.

FOLK METAL:

The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave....without the princess.

VIKING METAL:

The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

DEATH METAL:

The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, ****s the princess and kills her, then leaves.

BLACK METAL:

The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.

GORE METAL:

The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, ****s the princess and kills her. Then he ****s the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he ****s the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and ****s it for the last time.

DOOM METAL:

The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

PROGRESIVE METAL:

The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.

GLAM METAL:

The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

NU METAL:

The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

 

Hee hee. I especially liked the nu version - serves him right. Of course, you forgot:

BATTLE METAL:

The protagonist and some chums arrive, blow lots of horns, kill the dragon then wander off to find some more people to fight and blow horns at.

TOLKIEN METAL:

The protagonist appears, and, failing to recall any of Tolkien's stories being about dragons stealing princesses and locking them in castles, turns around and goes back to Middle-Earth.

 

Symphonic Metal:

The band and their orchestra arrive on a really big barge and together play off notes until the dragon commits suicide for the agony of it all. Unfortunately, the princess has done the same.

 

I think thats every subgenre of metal covered!

 

Gothic Metal:

The lead singer *is* the princess. The growler *is* the dragon. The rest of the band stands around and plays music, while the crowd watches on slope leading up to the dark and scary castle.

Hair Metal:

The band plays bad music at the dragon, which achieves nothing. While it's busy eating one member, the others free the princess by throwing up their golden and slightly matted locks to the tower top.

 

Nope, theres one more:

PIRATE METAL:

The protagonist and his crew o' buccaneers arrive with cutlasses and pistols in their galleon. They take out the dragon with a broadside from their cannons, steal the princess, grab the booty, and sail off into the sea with their plunder. Arr.

 

Gah, can't stop thinking of new ones, however, I don't have anything for this one: Industrial.

 

I cannot think of one for Celtic metal, its too hard.

 

Hmm, we could probably do this for specific bands when we run out of genres entirely...

 

One more:
Psychedelic Metal...

The protagonist arrives with a load of drugs, handing drugs out to every one. The Princess get a bad trip and jumps from the tower...
The dragon trips around for days not even knowing what hit him....

 

A little bit of topic but: Is Gore metal the same as Grind core?

 

Don't think so. Grindcore isn't metal, I don't think. Gore Metal is, IIRC, kinda like brutal death metal, except with lyrics about, well, gore

 

Love Metal:

The protagonist arrives and sneaks into the castle while the Dragon isn't watching. Then he goes to the princess and tells her they should be together in death. A task the dragon can perform.

 

Taking the suggestion of Aikanaro and stealing some parts of his Gothic Metal version, we can create the Judas Priest version:

The lead singer (Rob Halford) is the princess. That's it! He doesn't want to be saved, because he wants to stay with the dragon dressed with leather and chain atop his motorbike while he takes painkillers after painkillers (the dragon must be *BIG* after all).

Sorry about the gay joke. But it was asking...I respect Rob for coming out of the closet in a scene so strict (sexually speaking) as the metal one.

 

There's one more:

MATH METAL (Meshuggah, Dillinger Escape Plan)
I can't think of an ending for this though.

 

Math metal = progressive metal, no?

 

Meshuggah is a technical mixture between modern thrash (like The Haunted) and gothenburg death metal (like At The Gates).
The Dillinger Escape Plan is a very technical and crazy metalcore (harcore meets metal) band.

Since they have the technical trait in common, it's fair to create a math metal sub-genre, i think.

 

Most of these cracked me up. Where did you dig this stuff up?

 

The concept came to me on a quiet Monday morning at work

 

Black Sabbat version:

The protagonist (Ozzy) shows up stoned. Bites off the dragons head, is rushed of to the hospital, returnes (jacked upp on painkillers), bites off the princesses head, wears her dress, pees on the Alamo, kills the bloody cat, goes paranoid and screams for...........SHARROOOOOONN.