First Aid for Non-Medically Minded Persons

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Wow, this is the first new topic I've posted in a long time! Anyway...

ELECTROCUTION
Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to waste. Check the victim's pulse (if you can find their neck/wrist among the stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human being). And try not ot be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the nearest emergency room. You can use him/her to jump-start the engine if need be.

TREATING BURNS AND SCALDS
Run the affected area under cold tap water as soon as possible (if the victim's entire body is a mass of swirling flame, it may be a little too late for this). If the victim has spilled hot liquid on their body, REMOVE CLOHING IMMEDIATELY. You never know, the sight of you parading around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury. Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.

FRACTURES AND BROKEN LIMBS
Check the injured area...I'll finish this after school, lunch is almost over.

(4 hours later)
It is now 3:10 Mountain time. Now where was I? Hmmm...oh yeah!

FRACTURES AND BROKEN LIMBS
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass of flesh. if it has, then tell the victim they are going to die. That always perks them up. Tie a splint to the victim's leg and ask them to walk back and forth for a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the fractured or broken limb, as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.

CHOKING ON FOOD
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victim's windpipe by punching the hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20% reduction on the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.

OBJECT(S) STUCK IN VICTIM'S EYE
Rinse the victim's eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT. Offer to pick the object out of the victim's eye with your teeth. This usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim any more before you can get to it.

CONCUSSION
When the victim comes around, ask them what day it is, who the President is, how many fingers you are holding up, etc. To make it more difficult, hold your fingers behind your back. Talk in Swahili to disorient the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole bunch of laughs when it comes to a concussion. Here's a good one: before the victim comes around, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout, "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blind or something!"

CUTS AND WOUNDS
Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the victim's throat until they experience difficulty in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire. Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am the expert, you know.

[ February 10, 2003, 23:23: Message edited by: Tarol'azh, a.k.a.Tobias ]

 

Hilarious Tarol'ahz , can't wait for u to continue it!

 

Lol, , hilarious

 

ROLMAO!! extremley funny cant wait for next part

 

Hmmmmm.

I guess it's kinda of mildly funny?