Family violence, in U.S. and elsewhere

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This recent story from East Tennessee, where I live, is an ongoing one, as the accused is still on the loose (or possibly dead somewhere by suicide):

http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2008/apr/29/fugitive-on-tbis-most-wanted-list/

To sum up a man attacked his wife, children, and in-laws three days after being served an order of protection (a court order requiring a person to stay away from someone), shooting, stabbing, and even biting his relatives before fleeing. There is still a serious search going on for him, though his vehicle was located next to a lake, raising at least the possibility of suicide.

As a former police officer and, later, women's crisis center worker, I can say from personal experience that family violence in this country is more common than people like to admit. The cases I've dealt with cross lines of race , income level, faith group, and cultural background. Though in this country the violent one is usually male, I recall a couple of vivid cases of female on male violence as well. I am struck by how often someone, usually a man but sometimes a woman, loses it just after being served with a court order, whether a protective order, divorce proceedings, or divorce finalization.

And it also makes me wonder: what is the perception of other SP'ers of this problem? Is it common wherre you live? Or maybe it's something you just don't know much about?

No true confession time, please, since I think that goes outside the bounds of what we usually post on SP, just asking for your feedback on the prevalence of family violence where you live.

 

No true confesions, Finland is one of the worst countries of family violence in Europe IIRC.

 

I have no idea how common or uncommon it is where I live. The only child I can speak for is my son, who I am positive is not abused. My mother had a physically abusive father (so my grandfather). Needless to say, I never had a relationship with that grandparent.

As an elementary school teacher, my wife is required by law to report signs of abuse. Thankfully, in her seven year teaching career she only had to report one case. However, the problem is probably much more widespread than that, as there has to be something pretty obvious for my wife to know to report it.

 

I've never seen any, or come across any, or heard of any from friends. But then again, it's not something you bandy about, so it could be happening up and down my own road... You never know, do you.

 

It's quite common. When it comes to identifying an abuser or victim I think most people have no idea what to look for. The TV version is all people know -- frequent trips to the hospital, broken bones, excessive bruises, etc.. In reality those are very rare (especially the hospital trips) as most abusers know the limits of what they need to do to maintain control and not risk official involvement.

I believe that most abusers are control freaks, they use physical and psychological (sometimes sexual) abuse to break the will of their victims and maintain total control. Violence is a means to an end -- these are the hard ones to catch because the victims help keep the abuse hidden (and will even lie about it to protect the abuser). In order to find this abuser, you must know what to look for in the victims. I don't believe we train our police, teachers, or school counsellors well enough to spot these kids.

There are the violent people who lose control and beat their wives and children -- they get caught and put in prison. For these people violence is a release. These are the one we read about in the paper, the spectacular cases that sicken all of us. Their abuse is not planned and not controlled, their victims are easy to spot.

 

It happens a lot, and it makes me sick. What I find frightening is when it is NOT occuring and someone makes a false allegation of it -- which also happens but is something that people trying to bring attention to the real cases don't want to hear about because it makes it that much harder to deal with the real cases. I hate the people who make false allegations. They should get jail sentences similar to those given to the real abusers.

 

Family violence happens here too. Both physical and verbal kind of it. Usually it's the husbands. I can't say how widespread it is, but every now and then some case appears in the newspaper. Most are probably not discovered, like other posters mentioned.

A few years back a man shot his wife and her solicitor in front of the court house in my home town. They were going through a divorce, and she got custody over their children.
That caused a real shock in the community. It's a small town and no one could believe it happened.

Abuse is definitely a serious and complex problem. It often goes hand in hand with alcoholism, but imo alcohol is simply an excuse for the abuser, not the cause. Victims are usually ashamed of admitting that something is wrong, or, even worse, they sometimes come to blame themselves.
I don't fully understand that, to be honest. I've heard of cases where the abused wife could have left her husband (she had a place to go, job and all...) but didn't. I don't understand that at all.

I guess all my thoughts about it are colored with not understanding.

Sometimes tensions run high, in every family... still, no one should be hurt in their own home, by his/hers relations and loved ones. The thought frightens me.

 

I have only been aware of one acquaintance being involved in family violence (both the husband, who was physically abusive, and the wife, who was....not....were my coworkers, actually).

I expect, however, that I know more people who have suffered from domestic violence and simply haven't spoken to me about i

 

I don't hear about such cases until after the relationship is over, but one relationship I suspected would become abusive. After hearing the way things progressed, I really think I should have spoke up, but things really worked out for the best afterwards...

 

Crap! I didn't know you used to be a cop...

/me hides all his questionable paraphernalia

Anyway, back on topic, this sort of thing seems to be quite common here in Utah. There was a story not too long ago where some woman drowned 3 or 4 of her children in the bath tub for no reason at all...then there was the guy who murdered his wife in the parking lot of the church she was about to worship at. I think the root of the problem here in Utah is the fact that meth use is so common. Most of the time, when the cops catch the criminal, they're either under the influence when they got caught, or they admit they were when they committed the crime.

 

I live in Finland, and yes, it is. Personally, I haven't experienced it, but I know of many who have. And I'm quite sure that, had my mother not forced my father out, I would have experienced it at some point.
The thing that bothers me the most (aside from the thing itself) is when it's not taken seriously. The most common situation seems to be when the woman is the abusive one, especially if there's only a man and not a child in the house. To me, a woman hitting a man is just as bad as a man hitting a woman, and should be dealt just the same way.
Of course, such situations aren't always taken less seriously, but generally they tend to be. And that's just wrong. Just as wrong as taking any violence less seriously.

 

What really gets to me with this issue is all the women (yes most of the time it is women) who accepts it. Who seek out men who from the start show signs of being abusive and then of course start showing it in practice. Still the woman stays, I know on the theoritical level that there are various psychological factors at work but I still do not get it. Then when one woman has finally managed to walk away the man finds a new one almost instantly. A woman who often knwos that the man in question can even have been convicted for abuse but the woman doesn't care. She is special, she will change him. I am almost at the point where I think one of the easiest way to get women is to go around with a big sign saying: "I am a spousal abuser, if you come with me I promise to slap you around at least thrice a week." Bitter cynical me is certain that would attract a lot more women than actually being a reasonable nice and enlightened man.

 

For those that don't understand the victim in these types of things ... consider yourselves fortunate. Hopefully, you never do understand. It does not take understanding to help, only compassion.

An abuser looks for someone he/she can control. There are many signs establishing the ability to control. [As an aside, Gavin DeBecker's book The Gift of Fear is an excellent resource showing very extreme cases of how control is established, but the lessons can be used in relationships as well (DeBecker also created a profiling program which is used by many police forces to identify the possibility of extreme violence in domestic relationships).] A partner who shows signs of fighting control is dumped and the abuser targets someone else. It's important to realize throughout this entire initial process the abuser is very attentive to his or her potential partner -- showering the target with gifts and affection -- and is very charming. It is very easy to fall for the abuser if the target is "emotionally needy."

joachin: There is old saying that goes, "the woman enters a relationship believing she can change the man. The man enter the relationship believing the woman will never change. Both are proved wrong."

 

T2Bruno, very correct in how the abusive man initiates the relationship - I've seen it over and over in my work and in my personal friendships, too.

joacqin, in my professional training I've studied a field of inquiry known as Bowen family systems theory, and I've learned from that to see people within their systems of relationship rather than as independent individuals. Seen that way, a woman who willingly and even knowingly enters an abusive relationship is functioning within a system where that is the norm. Often that has to do with family patterns, sometimes with social or cultural ones. (As someone once observed, even dysfunctional families still function.)

The explosive, deadly violence of those served with court papers does seem to be a particular risk. I'm interested in the book you mentioned, T2Bruno, and wonder if it would help identify situations where that is a special concern.

Aldeth, in Tennessee everyone - not just teachers and other professionals - is a mandated reporter for child and (I think) elder abuse, but not for domestic violence between adults. This is a mixed blessing; when working with clients I have to make a confidentiality disclaimer that if they share information about such abuse with me I'll report it. In some cases I have wondered but not had anything other than feelings and an awareness of how family systems work to go on - not enough to make a report, unfortunately. And of course many if not most private citizens would hesitate to make a report anyway.

OTOH, it is a good thing, at least sort of, that so many SP'ers are aware of family violence as a serious issue. I say "sort of" because it's an awful thing to have to be aware of.
(And Kitrax, didn't mean to sneak up on you like that . . . surely I've mentioned that before somewhere.)

Edit: After posting this I noticed on a local TV station website that the suspect whose alleged violence prompted this post has been caught, jus this morning, not far from where the assaults occurred. Here's the link for anyone interested:http://www.volunteertv.com/home/headlines/18400129.html

 

You should check out Gaven DeBecker's website as well. The book is incredible.

 

It is happening here, and though I have not looked at the matter seriously I must admit it is probably a very serious issue. I attribute most of the domestic violence here to stress and substance abuse rather than innate psychological disorders, but that doesn't make it much better.

Personally, I have not seen many instances in my family or any others I am intimately familiar with, although I do know of one or two incidents I'd rather did not happen.

 

child abuse

When I was growing up I knew a fair number of people who were abused by their parents, verbally or physically. Most of them were in the stereotypical single-mother-on-welfare scenario, and their moms couldn't handle having kids. I think a lot of that could have to do with going to a public school in a city though; I've been told in Psych classes that abuse is pretty evenly distributed across demographics.