Excerpt from "A Vision of Gods"

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This is just a story I was righting for fun over the last 3 or so days which was originally suppose to a D+D campaign until it was realized to be far too "good aligned". The premise is that a head deity of a very powerful, but diverse "family" of gods has been murdered by an agent of an evil god, who knows that this will lead to an effective deific civil war. I actually ripped this idea and most of the pantheon from another story I wrote, only in that story, one of the deities comes a hair's breath from destroying the world. The main characters of this story, once they figure out what is going on they have to find a way to bring the god back to life before civil war happens.

Characters:

Jore: Main character, comes from the south in a country with a "Two Kingdoms" flair. She was once an promising young army officer, but fled her country after falling out of favor with the kingdom's deific ruler Pharaoh.

Waethyn: Comes from a middle kingdom with a French/German flair. He hates the Icemaidens as they kidnapped his half-elf (half) sister. That aspect of his story feels a bit generic, but hopefully with the fact that his sister wasn't so much killed, but insteaded converted into the service of an evil goddess. There might be a romance between Jore and Waethyn, but I'm not sure yet.

Durman: A Northlander (German/Nordic flair) who by far has the least amount of back story (he entered the service of the High Father as a boy and has been doing that ever since). Being that he's a half-dwarf I don't know how much of a dwarven vs. human flair he should have (I often think of him as a dwarf).

Naiman: From the island of Lyonesse (celtic flair) which is crawling with fey creatures. Naiman originally left his homeland because it literally is disappearing from the Material World (along with many of the more powerful fey creatures). Naiman is a bit too into "free love" (which shouldn't be mistaken for free sex) for his own good and is really on the move because there's a young pregnant noble woman that Naiman is in love with, but unable to commit and that her father wants to see Naiman swinging from the gallows doesn't help either. He also has a "fell paladin" of "The Unspoken Lord" chasing him as Naiman seduced the fell paladin's virgin bride and now the girl isn't particularly interested in an arranged marriage.

Deities:

Deity system is rather weird, as while gods have alliances that resemble independant pantheons, there is no "eastern" or "western" deity of the sun, there is only one sun god, even if that god associates with a particular region of the world.

Amuset: LG God of the Sun, a southern deity with similarities to Ra. Amuset is prone to fits of pettiness and is slowly removing himself from the world.

Vailorath (the Unspoken Lord): LE God of Fear, Pain, Suffering and Torture. Vailorath is the most physically dangerous of any deity and carries a whip that kills by flooding one with pain until their mind breaks. Despite being evil Vailorath is actually serves the forces of good; Vailorath believes evil is best fought with evil. Vailorath only delights in the pain and suffering of others and is eternally driven to create suffering in others. Most beautiful of the Gods.

Caladine: LN Goddess of Retribution, Vengence and Wrath. Caladine is the second "wife" of Vailorath which makes her little more then a glorified servant of Vailorath. Caladine is absolutely loyal to Vailorath and with Vailorath, is the primary agent of punishment in the multiverse.

Sedenira: LN Goddess of Desire, Passion and Reproduction. First wife and half-sister of Vailorath. Suffers greatly from her marriage to Vailorath who is utterly frigid. Unsatisfied in her place as a God of Damnation. One of three goddesses who claims to be the most beautiful goddess.

Zales: LE God of Abandonment, Humiliation, Ostracism and Ugliness. His base creature is an infernal from the epic levl handbook. Is in the prossess of becoming a God of Damnation, feels a great deal of kinship to Vailorath.

Illorun: LE Goddess of Apathy, Cold, Death and Despair. She is a maiden goddess and has great distaste for men. Has a voracious appetite for human sacrifices. She is very possessive of her priestesses who she forces to remain maidens and slays both the priestess and her lover if she fails to remain "pure". Illorun claims to be the most beautiful of goddesses.

Neithutet: CE Goddess of Drunkeness, Slaughter and Sinful Wrath. She is was a southern deity who is the daughter of Amuset and was once his protector, she has some aspects of Hathor. Often appears in her lioness form and will enter a blind rager in which she will murder any and everything for days; generally gettin her so drunk she passes out is generally the only to end her rage. Neithutet claims to be the most beautiful goddess in her humanoid form.

Kelgoryd: LE God of Lichedom, Undeath and Vampirism. One of two gods who where not born gods. Kelgoryd was once a faerie who managed to come in contact with the being who actually embodies evil, which both turned him into a liche and elevated him to godhood.

Pharaoh: LN God of Divine Rule. The Grandson of Amuset, his father was murdered by Neithutet many centuries in the past. Pharaoh is often cruel, arrogant and distant but his interests predominately in strengthening his nation, then evil action.

Finally for purposes of reference Battle Maidens where my pnp adaptation of barbarians to become lawful neutral or lawful evil and in the service of Illorun.

Faeries where 18hd outsiders with fey, rather then outsider traits and who could cast finger of death, shapechange, dominate monster, greater teleport and plane shift at will (and wish once per day). Other then that, all the monsters referenced in here can be found in D+D manuals (since this is ripping off my own PnP campaign and I'm not a fan of trying to figure out CRs for custom monsters).

Any comments would be great. I feel kind of cheap for using D+D monsters, but oh well.

Intro-Jore's Unnerving Vision
Jore Mheran was plagued by images as she slept; the images where not dreams, she was sure of that, for one did not dream of the Unspoken Lord, but he was in her mind as she slept regardless. Even a child could recognize the Unspoken Lord’s face, for nothing as so beautiful; the Unspoken Lord’s face seemed like a cruel joke, cruel that the most evil of beings should bare the fairest of faces, a joke because something so beautiful was responsible for such ugliness, for the pain he allowed into the world. Vailorath’s faithful hound of war was with him as well, her long red hair blowing in the deathly wind that seemed to be blowing within the boundaries of this image. The pair had someone cornered, Jore could not make out who, but the mark of a snake with a head on each end seemed to cover this person’s face; it was if this strange snake stripped the victim’s face and surely there for the mark was more important then the victim. Jore was awakened before the images she was seeing could play fully through and she sensed there was still more to see. Jore’s companion, Waethyn Silverflower, an elven rouge, shook her awake.
“Bad dreams my friend?”
Jore much preferred Waethyn’s attractive, effeminate face, with his auburn hair and dark brown eyes to the perfectly formed, highblooded features of the cruel god with his white blond hair and ice blue eyes.
“The Unspoken Lord appeared in my dreams… I hope, by Amuset, I never have that face come to me in a dream again.”
“Some scholars claim that the Unspoken Lord has an almost perfect resemblance to a being beyond our ken that represents pure evil… though how these scholars would know of a being beyond our ken is beyond me… who knows, maybe they just think that they’re so much better then us that they can understand what we can’t.”
“The good lady Caladine was with the Unspoken Lord.”
“That’s to be expected, she never leaves his side… was Sedenira or Zales with him as well?”
“Sedenira wasn’t there and I won’t have forgotten Zales, even amidst that divine crowd, no, but there was a human… I least I think it was a human in my dream, but his face was covered by the sign of the two headed serpent.”
“What there anything significant about the servant of Belzales?”
“I don’t know, but the look on the Unspoken Lord’s face… I know what the man’s fate is; I just can’t imagine what the Unspoken Lord will do.”
“None of us can imagine what that wholly sadistic mind can think up, no mortal… or god for that matter is as cruel and evil as the Unspoken Lord.”
“What are you to yapping about?”
Durman Bognath was the speaker, a half-dwarf Father in the service of Elonid. Durman was a young half-dwarf of average looks, dark brown hair with full beard and blue eyes.
“Jore was dreaming about the Unspoken Lord.”
“Ah, don’t you go worrying your pretty little head Jore, not with a Father serving the High Father in your service.”
Durman always called her pretty, but Jore knew she wasn’t; cute, she could give herself that, but in no conventional manner was she pretty, she was sure of that. Jore was a bit exotic this far north with her raven hair, black eyes and caramel skin, but in her native land, she was too plain to be pretty. Her native land, she smiled at the though of that, so long as Pharaoh remained on the throne, Amuset in her heart and her khopesh within an arm’s reach she had no reason to return.
“The Unspoken Lord does as he pleases Durman.”
“Nonsense, the Unspoken Lord serves the High Father, just like the rest of the Gods of Damnation. I shall pray to my god and pray that these visions are blocked.”
“Don’t do that.”
“Why not my pretty one?”
“I think what that dream was trying to show me was something of considerable importance and I don’t think I’ve learned all I can about that scene… and I’m not pretty Durman, besides aren’t you Fathers suppose to be chaste to show your devotion to your god?”
“Of course we fathers are, but there is nothing immoral about acknowledging someone to be aesthetically pleasing, the sin lies within desire.”
“I see why the High Father never caught on in my homeland.”
“Hrmpfh… back to your dream miss for I could speak for hours on the immoral presence of open sexuality in your people’s society; you claim that there was more to the dream? What makes you certain of that? Are you sure you did not merely leave the dream when you where no longer needed to observe?”
“It’s a feeling really, I felt as if there was a presence that didn’t want me to go quite yet, as if what it really wanted for me to see were in the images to come… besides the Unspoken Lord cornering a servant of Belzales is hardly worth a vision.”
“Hmm… I wonder what it was the Unspoken Lord wanted you to see.”
“I don’t think it was the Unspoken Lord, the presence felt female… and generally good, but stern and serious, even a bit indifferent, as if I was too small for her to worry about…”
“Ah, the Witch Queen, Lady Caelrana… well I’m sure there’s a temple around here, though we might have to travel a bit west… her presence is always felt in the north.
Waethyn signaled to Durman and Jore.
“Riders coming from the east, they’re wearing chainmail and the voices are those of women… you don’t need to guess which deity’s name is sewn through their speech.”
“How many cursed Icemaidens are coming our way?”
“Well it sounds like twelve horses and I’ve picked out ten different voices and I have to imagine at least four of those women are battle maidens.”
Durman frowned.
“So we let me do all the talking then?” asked Jore.
“I don’t think we have much choice to do otherwise; let us pray they are not feeling particularly cruel today…”
The thundering hooves came closer and closer until, as Waethyn said, twelve horses came into view. Twelve riders where present, so it would appear that none of the horses where used as pack animals, which was not as Jore or her companions hoped.
“Warrior!”
The address given to a woman was always more respectful then the address a man received, if the man managed to receive anything more then an order.
Jore looked up at the woman who had spoken. This woman was different then the other women she was with, she still wore the chainmail and bore the holy symbol of Illorun, along with the goddess’ spear; her head was without helmet, marking her as an Icemaiden, for the battle maidens wore northern style helmets with both eye and nose guard. The woman’s difference was in her coloring, most Icemaidens where blonde haired and blue eyed much like their goddess; one never choice to be an Icemaiden, instead Icemaidens simply took infant girls from families who lived within the influence of the Church of Illorun and Icemaidens had a habit of selecting girls who they believed would resemble Illorun. Now this woman who has spoke to Jore was olived skin with dark brown hair and eyes, seemingly exotic amidst her blond counterparts and beautiful amidst her fellow women who were all strikingly beautiful in turn.
“We seek a priestess who was passing this way, a Huntmistress of Neithutet. We servants will not stand to have such horrible slander said against our beloved goddess. Have you seen with Huntmistress?”
“No I haven’t… what did this Huntmistress say?”
“I will not repeat such blasphemy, now be gone before you raise my ire for desiring to hear blasphemy against my goddess!”
Jore backed away as the servants of Illorun galloped off in the direction they suspected their prey of traveling.
“That was Adriella Lothas…” said Weathyn, “The right hand woman of the Ice Matriarch Superior, Ehbre Iceshroud.”
“Are you sure… I know her appearance sets her apart from most Icemaidens, but this Adriella Lothas isn’t the only Icemaiden who doesn’t have blond hair.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t forget that face, Adriella, several years back, was convinced that my younger half-sister would make a fine candidate to become an Icemaiden. I have a score to settle with her when she’s without her women.”
“So you intend to settle the score with your death Waethyn?”
“Of course not, I strike her from the shadows, I won’t even allow her chance to strike back; my blade will glide right through her throat.”
“You make it sound so easy, that all you have to do to remove an Ice Matriarch is to sneak up behind her and make sure to cut her deep; makes you wonder why no assassin of Kelgoryd hasn’t tried that trick yet.”
“You sarcasm isn’t wanted here Jore.”
“I’m just saying that this Adriella is a powerful woman is she is the right hand of Ehbre Iceshroud; don’t go off in the night just because she’s nearby. Besides, the Icemaidens pride themselves on their combat prowess, a blade isn’t likely the best way to tackle the issue… you’re the elf, you’re the one who should be using your mind here.”
“What I’m I going to do if I don’t use a blade? I’m no wizard nor am I one with words, I rely on anatomical weaknesses!”
“Enough Waethyn, the night is approaching and with the retreat of day, the fiends of darkness lie and wait for those souls who have taken too long to leave the woods.” interrupted Durman.
“Those fiends would be trolls this far north… am I right?” asked Jore.
“Trolls, yes, always trolls up here and if you’re really lucky those trolls are the pets of some powerful orc warboss.”
“I see someone… heading our way… male… human.”
Jore looked to where Waethyn was pointing and in several seconds a figure came into view.
“Hello fellow travelers, I was drawn to the sound of fellow humanoid voices and judging from the star around the half-dwarf’s neck, I believe I am correct in believing you are not in league with the Church of Mairadon, the Church of Sarvag or the like…”
“We are most certainly not in league with the Lords of Sin! And who might you be human? An agent of Belzales?” demanded Durman.
“Hardly, I’m a bard and a Companion of Ohenal… and besides, northern woodlands is an odd place for a single servant of Belzales and I surely wouldn’t make contact with strangers if I was intending to head for a coven.”
“Humph… well you make a good point Companion.”
“Well then, you wouldn’t happen to mind if I traveled with along with you three would you? The northlands are never safe, be it night or day, city or open country, you never know when an extra hand is of use and besides, a bard is always better with company and music is always meant to be shared… I’m pretty talented with a hand harp and can easily use my talents to pay for a stay at an inn or to help pass time around a campfire.”
“I wouldn’t turn a stranger down out here; it would be unjust for a Father to force a fellow traveler to journey alone through a wilderness dangerous like this.”
“I don’t want you to think you have to take me with, I’ll be perfectly fine out here on my own. These woods aren’t as dangerous as you make them seem to be, trolls can always be dealt with through a sharp wit… however I am simply not one who enjoys traveling alone and you three look like fine company… and anyone who travels in the company of elves has taste good enough for me.”
“What is your name… this elf is curious to know since you have such regard for my kind.”
“Naiman Lynath, from the shores of old Lyonesse.”
Lyonesse as not a place that Jore was familiar with, it was to the west, a land that was said to still be inhabited by powerful faeries, beautiful selkies and wicked kelpies. It was the stronghold of the Material World for the King and Queen of the Otherworld, the faerie world, of Ohenal and Caelrana. Naiman did have what Jore heard referred to as a “Lyonesse appearance” with milky skin, buttery blond hair and sky blue eyes; Naiman was very handsome too, his good looks where charming and inviting instead of being intimidating or cold as so many handsome men where.
“Lyonesse…” asked Waethyn somewhat skeptical.
“Yes, Lyonesse, the fabled island kingdom that is supposedly leaving the Material Plane… speaking of leaving, what brought you three out here, leaving behind home?”
“Well we’ve been following rumors as to the location of a certain Bormusk Ironskin, supposedly the orc warlord. So far the rumors haven’t turned into anything with truth behind it, just smoke and specters.” said Durman, “And you bard, why are you up here?”
“Ah well… I’m up here because of the need to… spread the love of Ohenal in the face of the hardships the North presents. A Companion of Ohenal’s work is never done.”
“A priest’s work is never done, I hear you on that.”

[ July 20, 2006, 20:31: Message edited by: Taluntain ]

 

I like this, but I have a few suggestions. FIrst off - paragraph breaks are your friend. i had to copypaste this to wor dot be able to read this.

Second. you tend to write some very clunky paragraphs, such as the first one. IUt would probably work better if it were separated into two or more. the paragraph describing the ice maidens is another example of that.

Another suggestion I have s that you should try for more show, don't tell - there's no need to dump aevery bit of information about the characters intot he story int he span of a few pages. you can take your time, you know

 

I agree with most of what Ara said- showing is always better than telling and reading through that as a mass was quite a strain.

However, although you should avoid massive paragraphs, there is nothing wrong with having decently sized ones. You shouldn't need to be hitting return multiple times after each sentence. Yes break it up, but be careful you don't break the entire thing down.

 

Some nice imagery in this excerpt.