Anti-cliches

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For those cliches you've heard one too many times, think up the opposite and post it here. My inspiration:

I heard "It's like you've known me forever."
and immediately thought "It's like you've known me for two seconds."

And another one: "A penny saved is a penny earned."
"No, a penny saved is a penny saved, you idiot."

 

"Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise."

"Early to bed and early to rise makes a man boring."

 

early birds get the worms.
early worms gotten by birds!

while speaking on phone, "what are you doing now"
how about "i am speaking on phone"?

"where are you from"
how about my mom?

"it's like .... ya'know what i mean"
it's like .... you haven't said anything.

 

Do you come here often?
Goodness, no...I usually wait till we get back to my place.

(Don't know if that counts or not, but that line's gotten me a phone number or two.)

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
A bird in the hand just pecked the sh*t out of my thumb.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
So does my HMO.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again.
If at first you don't succeed, it's God's way of saying "you suck at this - trust me."

 

We got a similar saying here in Dutch: Better one bird in the hand than ten in the sky.
A Flemmish comedian (Urbanus) changed that into: Better ten birds in the hand than no hand.

When somebody who meets you for the first time says: "Ah, a new face", you say "Naahh, got this one for years now."

"My time is your time", said the conjoined twin, "and my time has come."

"Don't poo a gift horse in the mouth"
In dutch it is better, you get the surprise part at the end (Je mag een gegeven paard niet in de bek scheiten)

 

Some are from George Carlin.

I've never seen/done/heard that before!
Too late, you just did!

Don't I know you from somewhere?
Maybe.

It's always in the last place you look.
Of course it is! After you find it, do you keep looking?!?

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man a farmer.

 

You are intolerant. You need to be more open-minded.

You need to agree with me.

That's your own opinion.

You need to adopt my opinion instead.

That's subjective.

And what I say is objective.

That's so arbitrary.

Just agree with the arbitrary thing I say.

And the have/before thing is screwed because "before" indicates the past, while Present Perfect is a present tense, after all, and we aren't talking about the state of having experienced something N times until the point of talking. It's chopped right before the present, which means it's a closed period in the past. As such, it should be referred to in the past tense, except in British English, Past Simple would feel weird and Past Perfect wouldn't feel so great, either. And one won't say, "I haven't seen that except now," or some such.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man a boy.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

How can I know?

Are you like my ex?

I don't know you, let alone your ex, so how the hell can I know?

Are you handsome/pretty?

Oh yes, very. Or no, uuuugly like hell. What was it you were expecting me to say?

 

This actually happens to me ( I don't have a cell phone)

*after answering the phone

them: "where are you right now?"

"me: HANGING UP DUE TO STUPIDITY OF PERSON CALLING

 

"It's the inside that counts!"

Someone must be from outa space here...

 

I can see this is going to be a smashing hit. (Hmm, smashing hit; repetitive redundancy.) And here I was worried it wouldn't take off.

Since everyone else is doing it, I fear I must add my own version...

"Early to bed, and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."
"Early to bed, and early to rise, makes a man ****ing TIRED!"

 

"You can't compare apples and oranges"

Men and women either.

 

If at first you don't succeed...
...skydiving is not the sport for you.

 

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

Yeah... maybe if you don't have any valued social connections.

"I just want to be friends."

Well we certainly aren't any more.

Any sentance involving "I deserve..."

Maybe in your subject little world you deserve something, but I'm damn sure in the real world that people get what they get, they don't get what they deserve.

 

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," is grossly inconsistent with, "A pen is mightier than a sword."

Some of those folk wisdoms blatantly contradict one another.

@Felinoid: A penny saved is a penny that could have been invested.

 

"Parting is such sweet sorrow."

Eh? So stay and be bitterly happy.

 

If at first you don't succeed, be grateful for the reset button...

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese...

You're entitled to your opinion, but everyone is entitled to my opinion.

I saw this in a RPG book: Look sir, we're either going to do this my way or I'll have to shoot you...

And remember--Um, I forget what I was going to say...

 

Its not exactly a saying...but I saw this on Eddy Murphy's RAW (stand-up comedy vid)...

"I hate it when people tap their wrists and ask me what the time is...do I grab my crotch every-time I ask you where the toilet is??"

 

Yes! I guess one can allways find a saying when needed

 

For your reading pleasure:

Demotivators by Despair.com

Some of my favorites:

Cluelessness: There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.

Disloyality: There comes a time when every team must learn to make individual sacrifices.

Dysfunction: The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

Goals: It's best to avoid standing directly between a competitive jerk and his goals.

Mistakes: It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

Regret: It hurts to admit when you make mistakes - but when they're big enough, the pain only lasts a second

Underachievement: The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.