America...The Military Powerhouse!!

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Inspired by the earlier post about the French military, I thought I'd do a similary accurate and unbiased version. Presumably this will be seen in the same light-hearted fashion. To keep things totally fair, I now need someone to do a similar version for the British...

1613 – The America war of independence starts. Starting a trend that was to last for the next 350 years, the Americans failed to field a team on time and later claimed that it only really started in the 1770s.

1775 – The Americans finally get their act together and field a fairly week team. Setting another fine tradition, they spend most of their time killing the wrong side (the British). The French, who had aims on America, were suitable confused by this unorthodox approach and seeing it as a ‘bit of a laugh’ decided to help the Americans. The British commanders, growing increasingly worried about associating with enemy soldiers who hadn’t been to the right school, decided that they would prefer to be back at home fighting a more traditional enemy in the French. Officially this policy came to be known as the ‘we can’t be bothered to sail all that way to fight over a patch of uninteresting wasteland that we wouldn’t even send our mother in laws to.’ To the credit of the American forces they realised the importance of this home advantage and developed detailed strategic plans to keep America 1000s of miles away from anyone that might be a threat.

1805 – The Americans establish future policy for their involvement in wars in Europe, by hedging their bets. Unable to decide who was most likely to win out of the French and British they decide to annoy both of them without actually committing to war. 5 years later they decide to, sort of, side with the French dictator who is trying to conquer and subdue the whole of Europe as this seems the most democratic thing to do. In 1812 they use the famous ‘kick them while they’re down’ tactic to beat a British force severely weakened after decades of war against a proper army. The home advantage and ‘we can’t be bothered to sail all that way to fight’ influences can again be clearly seen.

1846 – Often cited as the first foreign war for America, the Americans quickly realise the error of their ways and claim Texan as American (and consequently try to take the strategically important high ‘moral’ ground). In reality the war was most important for being the first to be photographed and proving that the ‘we can’t be bothered to go all that way to fight’ influence didn’t only apply to the British. It was also important to enable the Dallas Cowboys somewhere to base themselves in later years.

1861- Realising that the previous results had been tarnished by accusation that the opposition wasn’t really trying, America decided to stage a major war where both sides had home-field advantage. This plan would have worked extremely well if outside observers had not drawn attention to the fact that America only won on the basis that they represented both sides. The war also showed that American strategists had fully learned the lessons from the previous war in terms of the importance of terrain and the (moral) high ground. Consequently a major offensive was launched to convince people that the war was about people’s right and the anti-slavery cause. Sadly only sane people were able to see that it was really about economic factors of which slavery was a small, and non-humanitarian part. This approach to camouflage has been used on all American wars since; to such good effect that it would take extremely detailed analysis to realise that economics (or oil) had anything to do with them at all.

1840s – The Indian Wars are often overlooked by American military historians yet they represent perhaps the embodiment of all previous and future doctrine. The lessons of fighting at home were fully applied as the participants took their homes along with them. The Hollywood story telling and moral high ground tactic were also successfully combined to convince observers that the war was about plucky Christian settlers moving Westward with a pioneering spirit as the embodiment of the American dream. Interestingly, the war also saw the development of new tactical approaches such as the first use of the term collateral damage as a polite, over-dinner way of explaining that lots of women and children had been slaughtered while having their land stolen. It also saw the start of a fine tradition of only going up against technically inferior and less well equipped foes who are just minding their own business.

1914 WWI starts

1917 America history records the start of WWI. American commanders dismayed at the early lead built up by the other participants, employ desperate tactics. To catch up, in terms of losses, they use the same techniques practised by the British and French. Unfortunately, due to a mix up over date formats, the techniques used were those proven to be outdated 3 years earlier. Fortunately, the US was now able to adopt a modern approach to warfare that has been used ever since. Eschewing sensible, cautious and life preserving strategies, US generals now adopted the approach of throwing money, machines and men at an enemy until they give up. Recent research has suggested that this is an evolution of the ‘we can’t be bothered to sail all that way to fight’ syndrome adapted for wars abroad. Hollywood ensures that future generations believe that the US won the war single-handily after Germany had conquered the whole of Europe.

1939 WWII officially starts.

(very late) 1941 America history records the start of WWII. The Allies, while dismayed at the late start, are at least encouraged by the US being slightly more punctual. During the war, Military strategists successfully refined the Hollywood manoeuvre as a means of ensuring that future enemies would be convinced that the US had managed to win everything on their own. This time the technique was so successful that the world was led to believe that the US not only won single handily in Europe but also in the Asian/Pacific arena. The Russians in particular were outraged by this and threatened never to watch Hollywood films again.

1945 – With Russia and Hollywood irreconcilable the Cold War starts, well sort of. Despite this being one of the US’s longest wars it proves to be a complete embarrassment to all involved. Without anyone to start the war for them, the American forces are left to wait and hope for something to happen. Distracted by not being able to fight, the war becomes a farce involving lots of political back-stabbing and military spending to prove that ‘ours is bigger than yours.’

An interesting outcome of the conflict was that research psychologists were able to prove that the size and range of a missile are not related to the ability to be a sympathetic lover. The war was also the first in which the US forces were publicly found guilty of serious war crimes. The most offensive of these was their involvement in the Starwars defence programme. The full implications of this were not fully appreciated until the late 1990s when the awful Phantom Menace was released.

Post conflict, rumours persist that Reagan tried to get things going properly in the early 1980’s. Unfortunately, by then, both sides were too embarrassed to meet each other publicly on the battlefield. With apathy rising on both sides, the war eventually fizzled out and both sides claimed a win.

June 25th 1950 the Korean War starts
June 26th 1950 America forces set a new record and enter the war only one day late. This is declared a great victory by President Truman and General MacArthur expresses his satisfaction at being able to claim that US forces were entirely responsible for the outcome without any smart arse pointing out that they weren’t there for half of it. Hollywood makes the most of the situation and there is now no one alive that believes that anyone apart from the US fought for the allies.

Unfortunately, strategic planners became slightly less enthusiastic when they realised that the North Koreans weren’t the technically inferior opposition that had been promised. Stunned by this nasty surprise and the Chinese influence, arguments raged (and continue to rage) about the pros and cons of being in at the start of a war. Recently uncovered secret documents also show that the Russians sent some of their top pilots to the combat area. This suggests that both sides were still keen at this point to make the best of the Cold War by turning it into something really big.

Interestingly, having been in at the start of a major war US planners then became unsure as to how to finish it. Analysts have suggested that the Pentagon might be slightly miffed at not being in the record books for the longest war and so hostilities are likely to continue until well into the 2050s.

1954 The Vietnam War starts

1964 American history records the start of the Vietnam war. Despite continuing until 1975 this was not so much a war as a chance to retest and further refine the Hollywood tactic. This technique was used to such success that future generations were unaware that the US were late for this one as well. Consequently, casual observers have seen US military tactics as being caught out by not understanding that terrain can be a more significant factor than weapon sophistication and budget spend. However, this view does not do credit to the real tactic, which was to loose the war and then try to convince people that it showed all that was great in US strategy (also known as the Rambo affect). It also proved that ‘collateral damage’ was here to stay.

1970-1990 This was a relatively lean time for the US as it had run out of big opposition to test itself against. Consequently military planners used the time to develop new tactics and refine old approaches. The main older tactic to be refined was the ability to lose and humiliate themselves to technically inferior opposition. The highlights include the Iranian Embassy Siege and the invasion of Grenada.

The Iranian siege was not really a war but was a vital development in the US force’s ability to impress on a world stage. As the drama unfolded, the rest of the planet looked on in awe and appreciation as the attack forces managed to get completely lost and then loose all of its equipment in the desert before having to walk home. This was a timely reminder that technically inferior opposition couldn’t always be relied upon to just give in at the site of a star spangled banner.
The Granada invasion showed how effective a massive well-armed force could be in subduing a small group of enthusiastic amateurs. Unfortunately, it again called into question the navigational ability of the US forces as they were unable to find the any of the evil dictators that had previously justified the invasion and secured the moral high ground.

During this period, the Pentagon also became a victim of the ‘can’t be bothered to sail’ syndrome. It’s solution was to not bother and instead send money, arms and expertise to anyone who could claim to be a victim of communism, dictatorship, non-Christian worship, anti-US influence, or a lack of apple pie. Interestingly it did not matter if the victim used the money and arms to start practising any of these crimes themselves.

1990 Gulf War 1 – After the disappointment of the previous two decades, US militarists were finally able to get their teeth into a decent sized conflict. The war was notable for the US being extremely punctual and for briefly acknowledging the support of their allies. Some critics however, have suggested that the early US involvement lead to the same problems experienced in Korea; namely that strategists were unsure of how to end the conflict. In historical terms, the war was most successful in turning war into mass media entertainment and starting the reality TV movement. It also significantly boosted the popularity of video games, especially those that involved guiding small missiles through windows.

2003 Gulf War 2 – In a landmark move for the US, American forces start a war early. The war also highlighted a new development in strategic planning aimed at securing the moral high ground before hostilities commence. Realising that the rest of the world had cottoned on to the ‘technically inferior’ ploy, US leadership decided to pretend that the war was about a real and immediate threat in the shape of weapons of mass destruction (rather than for example, about oil). This tactic has proved to be an extremely valuable weapon in the war to justify war and looks set to continue as military doctrine for the foreseeable future.

 

I thought I would give Britain a chance here in military history.
In the beginning a peaceful people called the Beaker people lived on the British isles. They can be seen as original brits. They would experience something that many 'original' brits would experience as well. Namely being soundly concquered.

Sometime BC, the Celts discovers that they can go on water and easily subdues the British people without too much of a fuss.

50bc Julius Caeser had spanked all the Celts in France and was annoyed that some of them had fled over the channel. He mounts an expedition to cross the channel and soundly defeats all Celtic forces. The British weather was God awful and he thought that it was not worth the bother to keep it so he went back home to warm and sunny Italy.

50ishAD The Roman empire after noticing that those Germans was a nut too tough to crack decides that that rainy island might be worthwhile anyway and proceeds to concquer with no real opposotion. The best fight is put up by a woman named Boadicea.

500AD the Roman empire has fallen and the British Isles are used as a toy by various Germanic and Scandinavian bands of looters and pillagers. Finally they too get a case of the 'cant be bothered to sail all that way' and just takes the entire island.

1066 The Norman duke William for some reason found Britain appealing and proceeded to add it to its holdings. This is actually the last time Britain was concquered, a nice change of pace. It took the rule of a bunch of Frogs to make it so.

I will let someone else proceed with the history of Britain, feel free to add to this as well. I am not good with dates.

 

SLightly humorous, Slappy...Some good points in it.

But didn't the Vietnam War start in 1945? Every book I've ever read about it says it started then...Even the *gasp* AMERICAN ones...

 

Bel, I think he is referring to our direct involvement (not including setting up/assassinating leaders ect.) in it. France was towing the line until then, and we all know how well that worked out...

 

Slappy must be french. And wanted revenge for that thread. Naa, Funny thread. As an American I chuckled, breifly. (for a moment) (if that)

 

Very interesting, but shouldn't this thread belong to the "AoDA"?

 

Slappy, I think it is absolutely hilarious.

What a punchline from Alexander

 

Why? It's history, isn't it(even if it's a little funny)? Such threads must go to the "Aley of Dangerous Angles".

What is a punchline?

[ June 10, 2003, 09:33: Message edited by: Alexander the Great ]

 

Joacquin, can I just point out that Scotland was not conquered by the Romans (Not really because we were too hard, but purely on the fact that the land was hilly, and quite frankly, crap )

 

Alexander.

Punch line = a straight bruise received from a punch.

Just tricking!

It refers to the funny "line" or phrase in a joke. You know, when you then go and "punch" your friend on the shoulder so that he knows that he should get it?...

 

Any time the French, or any other nation, would like to throw the gloves down and prove that we are a fraud militarily, they know where to find us.

 

@Darkwolf:

If US weren't 17 times bigger and didn't have (officially) 4,5 times more people, they would have already got pissed off (well, this they do anyway) and kicked you ages ago.

I also remind you that this topic is made after "France... the military powerhouse" started by your compatriot, Belly Together with some knowledge of history not typical for Americans, this should make you see how misplaced your arrogance was.

@Belly:

Kennedy considered joining in in 1963, but it was Lyndon Johnson in 1965 to make that happen. After WWII the French were being kicked the same wayas the American later.

 

Joaquin, you forgot the time in the late 17th century the English got so fed up with their king (borrowed from Scotland, with all the battles and assasinations the British kingdoms run out of kings very quickly) that they invited the Dutch to invade.

I'm looking up my history now, seeing if I can follow up - some of this stuff is on a par with Blackadder. I particulary liked that bit in Slappy's where he says the Cold War was due to marginalisation of Russian forces in US-made WWII films.

 

Funny. And frankly true.

Me ain't wanting to go to America. Stupid place.

 

Hilarious. Absolutely great. Not only that, but well written as well, by someone who obviously knows his military history. Kudos!

Also a lot of truth in this, although some might find it hard to swallow. Isn't that so, Darkwolf?