Am I Overreacting Here?

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I need some serious input here.
Last year, I was wrongfully accused of sexual harrasment at a job. Where I had worked had a small kitchen that provided food to customers. YOu had to walk through the kitchen to get to the employee restroom. However, the kitchen was small, and it was almost inpossible to move through there without bumping into anyone. One of the women who worked in the kitchen accused me of touching her rear with my hand whenever I would go through the kitchen. After my boss investigated, I was of course cleared and it was determined by him that if was all purely accidental. Which of course it was.
I am no longer working there, but I am very good friends with two of the guys I worked with there. One of them has been sleeping with the woman who accused me of sexual harrasment. There isn't any kind of a relationship. For lack of a better phrase, according to him, he's "just banging" her. I feel there is a big problem with this. I am feeling that its kinda a slap in my face, and that he's showing a lack of respect to me. He doesn't see a problem with this. Am I the only one who thinks there is something wrong here?

 

Dude...and this is purely between dudes...

Let the guy have his fun.
What do you care if your friend is sleeping with a bitch?
He's the one who has to talk to her before and afterwards...

Now if you have to hang out with her because of this I could understand...but otherwise...put it down...

 

Oh, yeah, that puts everything into perspective here...

And...

Let me ask you "dudes" this: How do you think female members on this board should take these types of comments? Come on dudes, help us out here a bit. Save this kind of "talk" for PM.

[ April 03, 2005, 08:25: Message edited by: Chandos the Red ]

 

The bare facts as stated don't show a lack of respect necessarily; however there may be some aspects of your friends behaviour when he is with you which you are interpreting as a lack of respect. For example you get the feeling he is getting some some of feeling of superiority over you because he is having sex with a woman that you didn't have sex with (even though you were accused of making sexual approaches.) Therefore what you couldn't get - and got a lot of trouble through - he can get and he can get it with no emotional attachment from her and no trouble from anyone at work etc.
Of course I have only what you have said to go on and you don't mention anything behind the secenes so I am sorry if I haven't been correct, however as you asked for help I felt I would mention that the problem may lie in your friends subsequent behaviour rather than in the private acts of the two people - which have got nothing much to do with you at all. If there is nothing deeper to the situation then yes in a way you are over-reacting.
The fact that your friend is choosing to have sex with a woman that you clearly can now have little respect for leaves you in a position where you may lose some respect for your friend, and you may then project this irritation with him to being a perceived slight by him; so you can be annoyed in a more justifiable context. I would argue that while this "banging" as such does not show a lack of respect towards you, it does show your friend up to have rather a poor choice in women and turn of phrase etc. and perhaps you are re-appraising your opinion of him in this new light.

 

Let me ask you dudes this: What if he was having sex with her because he actually liked her? That's right. What if all this was more than just using another human being as an object for sexual gratification? In other words, what if he actually had feelings for a woman whom we all know is only a "bitch" anyway? Does that make him an object of scorn? Of course, in this instance, he is showing that he does not lack respect for you, Elios - certainly because he is just "banging the B---h" Yet, in this, how much respect is he showing for his own integrity and character? AND his respect for the woman whom he has decided to have intercourse with? Maybe, he has real feelings for her, (of course, he may not) but perhaps he is afraid that you may not understand. What would that say about the situation? What does that say about your capacity to be his friend? But I guess it's just easier to just pass the whole thing off as "she's just another piece of a--."

 

The one your friend is really showing disrespect towards is the woman seeing as he still hands out with someone she views to have sexually harassed her. Even if they have a purely sexual relationship that is quite disrespectful of your friend.

 

I would say it's his problem. I certainly wouldn't talk to a woman I knew knowingly to have had wrongfully accused a friend of mine. In fact, friend or not wouldn't ultimately matter, I wouldn't like to have anything with a willing, witting and unrepentant false accuser or witness. It would indeed be a slap on the victim's face, let alone the possibility of becoming another victim of such accusations. If I already were in a relationship with someone who knowingly made a false accusation, I would break it up.

Did she apologise to you? Did you accept the apology? If so, it's assumed you have forgiven her, so no slap on your face. If she in good faith still thinks you really molested her, then she may be paranoid or hysterical but not a fraudulent accuser, so it doesn't have to be a slap on your face, although things being as they are, your friend can't really be trusted now.

Next, so far as I know about men, if your friend truly is "just banging her", then he might even think that he's avenging you in a certain way rather than slapping you on the face. But that would make him the bad guy, not her. Chances are she's paranoid or hysterical and that would mean she's in a bad condition and needs aid. Making her an object of sexual gratification in such circumstances would be very cruel. Especially if she doesn't know or intend it to be "just banging". People often agree to such arrangements or even propose them with the mind to change them later. They get attached, they develop high hopes and end up disappointed and depressed. Then they take revenge on the opposite gender, hurt someone who also wants vengeance and the circle closes.

As a side-note, I can't possibly view a purely sexual relationship as respectful. Especially if it's purely sexual on just one side. However, relationships are rarely purely sexual. The initial motivation may be, but things develop over time.

At any rate, slap on your face or not, chances are that your friend is in the away team now.

 

What's done is done. No offence; but if your friend is dumb enough to get involved with a woman who wrongfully accused you of sexual harassment and is working at the same place as her, he's setting himself up for a fall. If things go sour he could be in the same spot you were, only worse.

If you warned him against getting involved with this woman in any way, then you've done your job as his friend. If he wishes to pursue things with her then he'll have to suffer any consequences that arise from it.

It's not a slap in the face to you in any way as I see it. He's not doing it to spite you, maybe in some twisted way he's doing it to hurt her like she tried to hurt you.

Just stay as far away from her as possible and if your friend wants her along with you guys, bow out or tell him to not bring her along. If he's really your friend and knowing what she did to you, he'll respect your wishes, if he doesn't; then it's a slap in the face and he doesn't deserve your friendship.

 

I don't see how there is an issue at all. If she accused you of sexual harassment it doesn't mean she's a bitch or anything, she could have actually thought you were having a go at her every time she walked past and saying there is no room was just your excuse to get a piece of her.

Did she drop the issue after it was dicovered to be a misunderstanding?

As for your friend having sexual relations with her: no biggie. You probably won't see her ever again unless she's with your friend somewhere since you don't work in the same place anymore. He isn't directly affecting you in any way so don't gripe about it. Let him do what he wants.

 

You're over-reacting, Elios. It's extremely unlikely he was was even thinking of you when he hit on her; he probably had other things on his mind. Belittling you was not likely one of them. Step back, take a deep breath, and relax a little.

 

Yep.

 

Wow! Concrete proof that Ragusa really CAN be concise!

And he's right, too, Elios. Now, if the M/F roles had been reversed I could believe in an ulterior motive, but aren't guys usually pretty straightforward in this kind of situation?