Adoption - Is Open or Closed Better?

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I figured, in a way thanks to Sil's suggestion, that I'd give a slight run down of my circumstances (it's not painful in any way to me anymore), while also seeing what you all think is a better way of adopting.

Long story short, in 2000 (I was 21) I found myself pregnant from a date rape. Mind you, understandably, I so did not want to be pregnant at that time. I looked over all options that I felt I had (termination, going through with pregnancy & keeping the baby, going through with pregnancy & adopting it out). I decided to go with going through with the pregnancy, but it wasn't until I found out I was pregnant with twins that the decision to adopt was made. I didn't make it official until I was out of my 1st trimester and by this time, I was actually ok with being pregnant and I was in love with the two little lives I was carrying. Knowing I couldn't raise two of them, but not wanting to be completely separated, my decision to go with an open adoption was made. I chose the family they are a part of now and gave them the gift of children on August 28, 2001. I get pictures of them whenever they can send them, we get Christmas cards, they get birthday cards, and we try to meet up once a year to visit. In fact, we're supposed to get together in June to meet. For me, open adoption was the only way because I love knowing how they're doing, and they get to know me and can get in touch if they ever have any questions or concerns as they're growing older.

Now what was best for me might not be what's best for everyone else. What are your thoughts? Do you think open or closed adoption is best, and why?

 

I think that out of all the options you had, you made the best choice!

Abortion leaves you wondering 'what if?' and a whole load of guilt for a long time. Even if you do it for the right reasons (or think they are the right reasons) it still hurts like hell. Plus you get the pro-lifers abusing you and acting like if you bring a child into a world where it's not properly looked after and giving the chances it deserves is a good thing.

Closed adoption leaves you with what-ifs as well. Are your kids ok? Where are they? Are they safe, loved, happy? That's what stopped me going full term and adopting...the worry that they could be hurt.

The way you've done it is, IMO, the best. You know that your kids are ok, you can see them grow and be part of their life. They get the best chance at life and you gave a fantastic gift to someone. I think you're a smashing woman hun. Mucho respecto xxx

 

Well, as someone who was adopted, I think I might be qualified to speak on the subject.

I had never heard of open adoptions until recently; I don’t know if it was even an option when I was born. To be honest, I have somewhat mixed feelings about it. I know nothing about my birth parents, and I admit that I’m occasionally a bit curious as to why I was put up for adoption and how my life would have turned out if I hadn’t been adopted. However, it’s not like I obsess over it, and it’s possible that knowing who they are could have muddied the waters a bit. Having said that, if it was a relationship that was established from day 1, and with clear boundaries on both sets of parents that they willingly accept, then I suppose it could be an acceptable situation. Plus knowing who your birth parents are can be beneficial from a medical standpoint, both for the adopted child and his/her children.

All in all, whether it’s a good thing or not I guess depends on the circumstances; as long as everyone involved embraces it, it’s probably OK.

 

If both sets of parents are emotionally healthy, I think the open adoption is they way to go, by far. Closed adoptions were set up to protect the adopting parents from parents that give up their children and then want them back, to protect birth parents from the potentially painful encounters with their adopted children, and all sorts of other problems that go with one set or another not really being all there emotionally, or being forced/pressured into something they didn't want. For their purpose, they work well, but they're far from optimum.

Like Silvery, I think you made an excelent choice and I'm glad it has brought some happiness to your life.

 

Thanks Sil and NOG - what helps me realize that I made the best choice for me, and for the twins, is the fact that I had long talks with the two families I had pared the huge stack of parent 'resumes' down to and got to know what each couple were like, their personalities, etc. One couple had been in the system for so long that their answers honestly seemed coached - as if they were answering how I wanted them to answer and not how they truly felt. I think, by this time, they were so twisted up over not having kids, they'd say or do whatever the birth parent wanted just for that chance. The second couple (the ones I chose) I later found out had just entered the system and I was their very first birth parent phone call. They were both understandably nervous (as was I) and I could tell that they answered from the heart and then they weren't sure how to respond, that's what they said. Since that day, with every picture, and every meeting, I am given proof that I made the right decision because I have never seen happier kids (though maybe I'm prejudiced because they're mine ) - but they're always smiling and laughing and like me, both my son and my daughter talk a mile a minute and are so excited to tell me, my sister, my parents, their parents, what new and exciting thing happened that day.

Splunge - first off, if this comes out wrong, forgive me, but I'm tired enough that wording some things might not come out in the way I mean to say it. Basically I wanted to say that I'm glad you seemed to have been one of the lucky ones, during the time where open adoptions weren't even an option, where you're not screaming about how horrible your life was because of the people who ended up adopting you. This also might seem strange, but I feel even more at ease now, with my decision, hearing from your side that while you have that curiosity from time to time about why you were given up, you haven't let it eat at you. That's one thing that does plague me every so often, is that even though I'm still somewhat a part of the twins' lives, what they'll think of me when they get older because I didn't keep them. Lord knows, there are times when I do sit down and have a good cry because I'm not the one raising them and I missed seeing them take their first step or say their first word, but then I remind myself that if I had kept them, they would have had an absentee mother working 2-3 jobs to keep a roof over their heads, food on the table, and clothes on their backs. I just hope that if they ever wonder why, that I can find the words to explain to them and help them realize that, to me, what I did was the ultimate sacrifice of love because they deserved so much more than what I could give them. I know that no situation is ever the same as someone else's, and that there are those out there who give a child up just because they don't want the responsibility of being a parent.

Ok, enough of that I got myself a bit weepy thinking about it. Anyone else have any thoughts or comments about what they believe is better or have any stories they'd like to share?

 

CD, doing what you did was both pragmatic and seemingly the correct choice emotionally. Seeing that the two are usually polar opposites, you have succeeded in the impossible. Good job, all I can say.

This is the first time I've heard about open adoptions, but after hearing your story, kinda makes me wonder why it hasn't been available earlier. Although there ARE a number of understandable possible conflicts down the road, I fear the implications of a closed adoption have been downplayed quite a bit as well. It's not like the parent giving away their children always does it out of spite/negligence/whatever, so making them choose between not being able to support the child and just handing it out to strangers with no future contact seems rather harsh.

 

Really, it depends entirely on the person(s) involved. I was the product of a closed adoption. My birth mother was pleased about it, though when I met her (my wife locates people who were adopted, separated at birth, stuff like this) she wanted us to be a big happy family. My birth father was quite pleased about it as well, though wanted to be more of a friend than father - he said he had been trying to find me and get custody of me for the first few years, but since my mother had run off with me and done everything quietly, not to mention the father has no real rights in ordinary circumstances, he stood no chance.

My brother is the product of an open adoption, though I don't think that he knows that. My mom writes to them every month (maybe more often and maybe more than stuff that is written, I wouldn't really know), keeping them up-to-date. Until they had more children, all of whom they kept, it apparently hurt them a lot to know what all he had been doing and whatnot.

In summary, a closed adoption, in normal circumstances, can lead to either ignorant bliss or constant wondering (like abortion). On the other hand, an open adoption can lead to happiness in their child's (hopeful) happiness or constantly break open the wound of giving them when they didn't want to but did for the child and drive them nutters. All depends on the person(s) involved and the situation.

 

I first saw CD's post on Friday, but I didn't respond right away, simply because I was not sure what to say. A few days later, and I'm basically still in the same place. It seems to me that the best decision is whatever the best decision is for the people involved. Who am I to tell someone else what they should do if they decide the best decision for their child(ren) is to allow them to be adopted? It certainly isn't my place to hold some moralistic or philosophical opinion on what others do when it comes to choice like that.

That said, I can certainly understand your position. I don't have twins, but I know that even a single baby is enough to keep your hands full all the time. I can only speculate on how much the work would increase if you had two babies at the same time. Obviously, the father was not going to be involved, and so unless you had tons of help available from other members of your family, keeping the babies may not have been a realistic option.

I didn't know there even were adoptions of any kind when people were living in caves.

I have to admit to being a bit naive about this, having not been adopted myself, nor having any close personal friends who were adopted. Obviously, you were too young to remember any of it. However, I guess with a closed adoption the adoptive parents know nothing of the birth parents either? You go through the applicaiton process and if you are approved, you eventually get a baby? While I can understand the need for confidentiality in some cases, I'd think that the adoptive parents would at least now WHY the birth parents were giving the child up, even if they did not know the actual identifies of the birth parents.

Maybe I'm being naive again, but how could your brother not know that he is a product of an open adoption? I thought the entire point of an open adoption (at least the way CD describes it) is that the birth parent(s) have a relationship with the child.

 

I think a soubriquet makes some good points ... you could throw good people into a bad situation and still get good results if they persevered, or throw bad (or ill-suited) people into a good (or ideal) situation and still get bad results, probably. The fact that it worked out for you, CD, likely speaks more to your being well-adjusted enough to handle it, regardless of the circumstances. I have to admire you for that; it seems like it would be a tall order.

I have to say that it's really horrifically unfair that women most often have to bear the brunt of these decisions. Nothing much that can be done about that really, but it's still unfair.

 

To be honest, and I know this is going to sound a bit odd, I'm not sure how much my adoptive parents knew about my birth parents. They knew some stuff (for example, that they were Scottish), but I'm don't know what else they knew. The reality is that who they were was a non-issue for me. And since my adoptive parents are both deceased, I can't ask them now even if I wanted too.

There is a process you can go through if either the birth parents or the child want to find out about the other, but I'm not really sure how that process works. I think they can contact some central agency, but I don't know what happens from there.

 

I'm kind of surprised that you never had any real interest in finding anything out about your birth parents. I understand why it would be a non-issue for you, but I would think that general curiosity would lead me to find out who they were, even if I had no interest in establishing any type of contact with them. There is a chance that your birth parents are still alive, especially so if they were quite young when you were born.

 

I never really had any interest in finding my birth parents, either. My wife was the one interested in finding them, and that is how that ball got started. I can't say I ever really wondered what I, or my life, would have been like had I not been given up for adoption - I am who am. What-ifs are best left to philosophy and metaphysics.

My brother only knows that he is adopted, nothing else. I wouldn't have known either, had I not been in the (relatively) best place at the (relatively) best time to find such information out. Theoretically, they could have a personal relationship with the child, but typically (and usually due to adoptive parents stonewalling, I think) they develop the relationship vicariously through photographs and letters from the adoptive parent, at least until they reach majority.

In closed adoptions, the adoptive parents usually know very little about the birth parents. The birth parents usually know vague details (like that my adoptive father had a doctorettes) and that they were Catholic, but not too much else that doesn't have anything to do with the life the child may have.

In open adoptions, the adoptive parents and the birth parents usually know a pretty decent amount about each other, as well as the child (from the parents).

@Gaear - I feel that it is really only as unfair as them bearing and birthing the bastard, especially since a lot of mothers, in particular, start by thinking they want to give the baby, but by the time birth comes around, they want to keep the child, regardless of the father situation or the conception situation. My birth mother just had a few drug problems and an alcohol problem.

@Splunge - my wife found a website run by an agency that was, more or less, a forum where birth parents as well as adopted children could post their information and what details they knew, but no other real agency. My adoptive parents knew the agency from which they adopted me, which helped (even though they had shut down about a year after my adoption), but otherwise did some process I wasn't aware of to find them.