A humorous story conceived the other night (random humour)

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This story unfortunately has no title, but I hope you enjoy it and see the funny side...

In a land of fairy tales and mighty kingdoms is where this story could take place...and maybe should...but it won't, instead it shall take place in a land of somewhere that isn't here but isn't really there either...try working that one out!

Our scene takes place in the local tavern of this land that shall remain nameless...the reason will also remain nameless because it doesn't exist...and in this fine little establishment gloriously, and mildly humously called, The Randy Elf, did sit amongst the rabble and riff raff that littered the wooden floor (due to the fact that the floor is infact permanently covered in bodies [not dead], the patrons and owners only assume the floor is wooden due to tales told by the older more respected patrons)...

anyway...amongst the riff raff did stand, and I use the term "stand" loosly, a man (you were expecting a bit more? What do think I am...) he swayed and wobbled, and his name was Jessica...This name did at first get him ridiculed by his fellow patrons, but he soon put an end to that by pointing out that everyone of the male gentry did infact have a girls name; There was Cathy, the barman, Tina, Elena, Anna, and the list goes on, it is just one of those things that happens in places that aren't all here or there...

Well Jessica was swaying and wobbling, he made a valient effort for the door, he made it 2 feet, but then he stumbled on the long, eccenteric beard of an elderly chap wearing a pointy hat (guess what he is...), Jessica fell flat on his face, and the elderly man in the pointy hat groaned and began to stand up, infact he did so in a rather grandois manner, Jessica (refered to as Jess from now on) did the same but in a slightly less grandois manner, it took him several attemps but finally he managed to do it.

"Bloody Hell...who put this dirty great boot print in me long eccentric beard!!!" Roared the old chap in the pointy hat.

"uh...that would 'av probably been...uh...me sir" Replied Jess in a bewildered voice, whilst trying to focus on the long pointy nose potruding from the beard.

"Don't you realise this thing's dry clean only! It'll be impossible to get that out!" Bellowed the occupant of the beard.

Jess blinked and finally managed to focus enough to realise that he had been looking at the hat and not the nose...which was also big, according to later accounts...

"umm...sorry...uh...is der anyfing I can...uh...do to...umm...make it up to ya mate?" struggled Jess, who was still confused about a dry clean beard.

"well...let me see now...do you have any weed?" queried the old man

"umm...I don't think so..." replied Jess, who had given up on the whole idea of how to dry clean a beard.

"damn...ok then, just take this ring up the mountain that for some reason is conveniently right outside and throw it in the pit of lava at the top..."

The old man extended his hand, in it was a garish plastic ring, with a big pink, plastic flower in the middle (about 3 cm in diameter for those who can't think of a garish ring), and a deformed looking baby in the middle of the flower, doing something disturbing to a mongoose...

"oh my God...thats disgusting!" Exclaimed Jess.

"I know, who would put a pink flower on a ring!" Replied the old man.

"Thats not what I..." began Jess

"Now take it, but never put it on, for there are people out there called Trinny and Susanna who will kill the one who bears this ring!" The old man cut in.

"uh...did you say kill?" Jess asked, suddenly sobering up.

"what...oh...no, no, noo, I said...uh...mill...uh...yeah...its a slang term for...uh...be friendly to." answered the old man, in a rather suspicious way.

"oh right...thats ok then" said Jess, ignoring his gut instincts...

...but he should have heeded them, because a few seconds later he hurled the full contents of his stomach over the old mans long, eccentric beard...

"Oh Bloody Hell...thats gonna stain y'know!" shouted a rather exasperated old man.

"sorry..." said Jess in the voice that a child uses when he's told to apologies by his parents.

"Just take the ring, and get away from me!"

The old man threw the ring at Jess, he fumbled it but managed to get his arms under control and caught it. With the ring now in the hands of Jess the old man threw up his arms and dropped a tear gas grenade whilst laughing manically, with this gesture he strode out of the tavern never to be seen again...

Jess stumbled out of The Randy Elf coughing and spluttering, tear gas curled out from the cracks in the tavern walls. Jess stared at the ring in his hand, what a garish object, no wonder the old man wanted it destroyed! He thought. And off he set, up the conveniently placed mountain with the convenient pit of lava at the top...or at least he would have if at that very moment the author hadn't got bored and decided that Jess was going to fall down a cunningly placed hole in the ground...

The Epilogue...

There lay the ring and Jess (unfortunately rather less than alive...its amazing what landing on your head will do!) for many years, undiscovered in the sewers beneath the land that isn't quite here and isn't quite there...Until by chance the ring (not Jess...He was just a pile of dust) was discovered by a young trogladite by the name of Bagel...and the rest is History as they say (but who "they" are is a mystery to which there is no answer!).

The End...

 

OmG! You actually had me thinking for a moment that this story's gonna have a logical ending! Good work! I'd love to read a similar one.

 

*snigger* Yeh, that one caught me off guard too.
Nice one. Crazy as hell, I can really relate

Keep the SPAM strong and hold the banner of bullshtting high! This must be the finest nonsense I've had in ages...

 

That was fecking funny. We need more stories like that around here.

 

Well I have another one but it may have to be edited...or I could write a new one!

 

Write! Write! Write!

It's all so good, I want more. In the meantime, I'll reread all of Tak's (inferior ) Usual Suspects stories

 

Why thank you Kilty. I always like to be the inferior one.... now say hello to the randy kobolds.

*Unleashes his randy monster horde*

 

Eeep! *runs for the hills*
I'll second KC on this though: Write! Write! Write!


PS: Tak, *please* keep the vile critters on the leash... They scare me into digestional disorders