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Yet another from my archives. I had read this initially in a US Navy mishap report (a report that describes lost time injuries in the Navy). I could not find a printed version and so wrote this based on my (admittedly faulty) memory:

I am building my own home and was laying bricks on the second floor. I had brought the necessary supplied up via a wheelbarrow attached to a pulley and line. The line would be tied off and I would unload the wheelbarrow while it was suspended. After several loads, enough supplies were present to do the job. Upon completing the job at hand I realized I had brought up too many bricks. I placed the excess bricks in the wheelbarrow (which was still tied off and suspended at the second floor).

I went down to the first floor and untied the rope. It was at that moment I realized the wheelbarrow weighed more than I did. The wheelbarrow rapidly descended and I rapidly ascended – meeting halfway. I sustained bruising and contusions to my left shoulder. As I reached the apex, my fingers got caught in the pulley, breaking three of them. At this point, the wheelbarrow had impacted the ground and emptied its load.

I was now heavier than the wheelbarrow. The wheelbarrow rapidly ascended and I rapidly descended – meeting halfway. I sustained a severe laceration on my right shin. Upon reaching the ground level, I landed on the bricks and sprained my left ankle. I also received numerous contusions and bruises on my legs and buttocks.

It was then I did a very stupid thing. I let go of the rope.

I am currently under observation for a concussion and will be unable to work for a few days due to my injuries.

Edit: Scoured my memory and tried to make it more accurate....

[ September 22, 2005, 17:28: Message edited by: T2Bruno ]

 

I think I read a longer, more descriptive version of that joke somewhere. It was hilarious! I recall it starting as a claim report for worker's compensation.

Jaguar's corny joke reminded me of one from my own experience.

It was the first day of class at university, and the course happened to be an electrical engineering 4-year undergraduate course. Being the first day, the instructor was not familiar with the room and all the fancy hi-tech switches that were used to project the laptop to the screen, move the screen up and down, etc etc. Luckily the teaching assistant (who runs tutorials and marks assignments) was on hand for the first class (just to get introduced to the class), and he helped set up all the technical equipment.

Anyways, class was underway soon enough, and the first thing the professor asks was "can you hear me? can you view the Powerpoint slides ok?" type of questions. One of the students at the back requests that one set of lights be turned on.

So the prof goes back to the fancy set of switches, looks through them all for several seconds but was unable to locate the right button to push. Unsuccessful, she then asks the teaching assistant to come over to help. So the two of them look at the set of controls together for a while, wondering where the heck the light controls are.

Meanwhile I smile to my neighbour and ask him, "How many electrical engineers does it take to turn on a light bulb?"

 

Appologies to any married couple out there or anyone who cant understand the lingo...

Dear Technical Support,


18 months ago, I updated to Girlfriend 1.0 from drinking mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.


However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.


To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that these two systems detected each other and caused severe damage to my hardware.


I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer, and Email filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and HairStyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which Can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress2003, it tends to delete all of your money before uninstalling itself!

 

I love this one

 

Apologies in advance to our antipodean friends.

Bruce was at school this morning in the Australian outback and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Bruce was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Bruce aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Bruce, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

 

I made the mistake of forwarding that one to my mate at work, I totally forgot he was only a week away from getting married so hes being quite quiet with me now!

 

@ T2Bruno

I originally heard that in a song titled "A Bricklayers Lament"

 

@Carcaroth, what's a "Chippy"?

 

@noir - IIRC, "Chippy": Britannic slang referring to a menial labourer - factory worker, construction labourer, etc.

 

@ Carcaroth: Laugh about it while you can, mate... I guess one good turn deserves another, if it's all in fun.

Q - Six unmarked planes land simultaneously at an airport, each from a different country of origin and carrying only nationals from that place. You are informed that you must determine which contains the British passengers with your first guess. How do you determing which is that plane?

A - It's still whining after the engines stop.

 

@ apathetic empath - is it?
A chippy is someone who works in a chip shop, old boy...!

That made me giggle, Carcaroth.

Eh, NonSequiter, I forgot mate, who won the Ashes again?

 

The side that didn't lose, of course!

 

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

One day I noticed my cat dragging something under the fence dividing my house from the neighbours'. Upon inspection, I saw that it was a dead rabbit. I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it. I knew today would be no different.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush, and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing the grooming I jumped the fence and put the body back in its cage, hoping that its death would be considered due to "natural causes".

Within the hour the neighbors' car pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl. She went to the yard where the rabbit's cage was and suddendly screamed in horror.

Her father rushed to her, and stood shocked, looking at the cage. Being a good neighbor, I went to the fence and asked if there was anything I could do. My neighbour blurted:

"What kind of bastard would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in its cage?"

 

Rich Burlew cracks me up. In homage to "Who's on First", this is from OotS #226:

 

noir / apethetic empath and er... Barmy.

Chippy usually refers to the carpenters on a building site. (Or the chip shop itself!)

This is vastly amusing if you've ever worked in the building design industry, but probably exceptionally dull for anyone else.

CAST:
MEP Engineer: Jack Nicholson
Architect: Tom Cruise

MEP Engineer: You want answers?
Architect: I think I'm entitled to them.
MEP Engineer: You want answers?!
Architect: I want the truth!
MEP Engineer: You can't HANDLE the truth!!
Son, we live in a world that has CHILLERS, BOILERS AND SWITCHGEAR. And those PIECES OF EQUIPMENT have to be LOCATED IN ROOMS. Who's gonna DESIGN THEM?
You? You, MR. ARCHITECT? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for LOST PARKING SPACES and you curse the SIZE OF MY GENERATOR. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that THOSE MEP SYSTEMS, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that DESIGN TEAM.
You need me on that DESIGN TEAM.
We use words like DESIGN, CODE, ANALYSIS...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent PROVIDING OWNER COMFORT AND ENERGY EFFICIENCY.
You use 'em as a punchline.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain my DESIGN to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very ENVIRONMENT I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a DUCTULATOR and DESIGN a BUILDING SYSTEM. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Architect: Did you OVERSIZE THE MECHANICAL AND ELECTRICAL ROOMS?
MEP Engineer: (quietly) I did the job you HIRED me to do.
Architect: Did you OVERSIZE THE MECHANICAL AND ELECTRICAL ROOMS?!!
MEP Engineer: You're goddamn right I did!!

 

Carcaroth -
A bit of a bastardisation of a classic cinema moment (I have that speech on the cube wall at work), but amusing nonetheless. I have enough engineer friends to know the story behind it.

EDIT: To continue the minor misogyny...

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?

It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

[ September 30, 2005, 03:59: Message edited by: NonSequitur ]

 

@Carcaroth Funny.

 

Cheers Lord Garak,

NS,

How about a corny one-liner.

Whats the difference between Illegal and Unlawful?


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.
.
.
.
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One is against the law, the other is a sick bird.

 

Here's a really corny, lame one. Sorry if it's been posted before:

There is an old man laying in the gutter one night outside an inn. At the end of the business night, the inn keeper walks out and sees the man sobbing in the gutter.
"What's wrong there ol' fella?" The inn keeper asked.
"Well, I don't know where to begin. Firstly, I've got cancer and I'm going to die in a week. Secondly, I'm rich. Thirdly, I have a huge mansion. And lastly, I have a young, sexy, horny wife waiting for me at home." The man sobbed.
"Then what's the problem?"
"I'm so old, I've forgotten where I live."