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Heheheh.
*second Rolsuks opinion*

 

A bit sick but I've heard worse -

Bill was having a weekend away in London with his mates. After a pretty heavy drinking session he decided to take a trip to a local brothel. So he walks up bangs on the door. The lady of the establishment opens a little hatch and answers -
"what do you want"
Bill - "To be pleasured like I've never been pleasured before"
Her - "Ahh, I have just the ticket for you"
So he is escorted to the back of the establishment and meets Wendy.
Wendy - "so you want me to wink you off do you?"
Bill - "what?"
Wendy - "so you want me to wink you off"
Bill stands there confused wondering if this woman has some sort of speech impediment - while wendy seizes the advantage and drops Bill's trousers. She then, to Bill's amazement pops her eye on the the table. She then inserts a certain part of Bill's anatomy into her eye socket, Bill is then winked off for the first time.
After 38 and a half seconds the deed is done - Bill is ecstatic - he has never experienced anything like this before. He is contemplating when he next come down to London as he escorted to the door. Turning to Wendy and handing over a £20 note he says -
"I've got to do this again, next time I'm in London".
Wendy replies "Next time your in the area let me know - I'll keep an eye out for you........."

 

Very funny, but I don't think I would like to be 'winked off'

Q. Why did the girl fall off the swing?

A. Because she had no arms.

[ April 01, 2005, 15:03: Message edited by: Cesard ]

 

An Elf, a Gnome and a Dwarf are standing side-by-side at the urinal.

The elf finishes and proceeds to wash his hands. He is scrubbing and washing his hands clear up to his elbows. He turns to the other two and comments: Our Elders have taught us Elves to be clean.

The Gnome finishes his business and he quickly wets the tips of his fingers and comments: Our Druid Elders have taught us Gnomes to be conservative of natures resources.

The Dwarf finishes his business and heads straight for the door, He turns and comments: Our Elders have taught us Dwarves how not to piss on our hands.

 

The Final Exam


Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer any five questions you choose.
Time Limit: One hour. Begin immediately.

1. HISTORY- Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2. MEDICINE- You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING- 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY- Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5. MUSIC- Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY- Based on your knowledge of their words, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY- Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8. ENGINEERING- The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

9. EPISTEMOLOGY- Take a position for or against Truth. Prove the validity of your position.

10. PHYSICS- Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

11. PHILOSOPHY- Sketch the development of human thought, estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

EXTRA CREDIT- Define the Universe. Give three examples.

 

I think you guys wait untill I'm absent and then post. Funny to come back to though.

 

How do you start an argument with a chav?
Speak!

What do you call a chav in a tastfully decorated house?
The burglar.

What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.

What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.

What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.

What do you say to a chav at work?
Can i have a big mac please?


How do you identify the bride at a chav wedding?
She is the most pregnant one.

What do chavs use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter!

What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
Up the gary!

 

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a very late night out with the boys. Then, while being assaulted by your wife with a broom, still have the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?"

 

Life before computers:

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3½ inch floppy ... you just hoped nobody ever found out!

 

ROTFLMAO

nice one ara, like that!!!

 

Ara! Very nice!

 

Yo' mamma is so gross, you have to pour salt water down her pants to keep the crabs happy.

 

Tastefully done as usual (No pun intended)

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea" He went next door to the butchers shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all"
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me"
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it, Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money". Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan.....
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth"
Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm pi*sed and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub"

 

ROTFLMAO Very good Tap Dancing Oyster

 

Very good but 'Seamus' is not generally spelt with an 'h'...

 

Shamus will be upset when I tell him his mother spelt his name wrong!

 

hahahaha.

These two lads were in the army. One was Irish and One was Jewish. They were doubling around the square, and when they were halted, the Jewish boy, puffing, said to the Irish Lad, "I hate doubling, paddy." The Irish lad said, "I'm not too keen on Tel Aviv, either.".

Anyone know any English jokes for a change of pace?

 

I took this from Zany Laughs but they said you could email to a friend so I think its okay. It's not an English joke but I thought it was funny.

How America Works
Let's see if I understand how America works lately... If a woman burns her thighs on a hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teenage son kills himself, you blame rock and roll music or the musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs of cigarettes a day for forty years and you die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco companies.

If your teenage daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbour crashes his car into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean needles.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world anymore, so if I die while I am parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates. Ok?

 

Three men and a woman are sitting at a bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says: "I'd describe myself as a Y.U.P.P.I.E. -- you know ... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The next chap says: "Oh, I'm a D.I.N.K. -- Double Income, No Kids."

The third bloke says: "Well I'm a R.U.B. -- Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask: "What are you?"

She replies, "I'm a W.I.F.E. -- Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

Sorry

 

There were two parrots sitting on a perch.

One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"