Blissful Abduction

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This story is something I put toghether in an hour or so, so, be gentle in your comments, people

It's a (very) short story with a rather abrupt ending and beginning, might be used for a bigger project later on.

Usually the things I write are longer and include a lot more extensive descriptions. This is just an eye-witness' account of what happened that night. Not too fancy.

I'd be happy if someone could point out the grammatical mistakes I've no doubt made.

Thanks for reading.


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Blissful Abduction

The shady figure saw that only two guards were patrolling the ramparts of the fortress. One was obviously new to the job and walked up and down like a madman, counting his paces and looking right and left every 2 minutes. The other strolled around casually, pausing every now and then to sit by the fire.

A sharp blade appeared in the black figure’s hand. No doubt we’d have seen a smirk appear on the matching face as well if it hadn’t been for the hood that covered the entire head. With a huge leap she landed behind the younger guard. When the man looked down, startled by a series of growls, he saw the mouth of a snow white wolf coming at him, the teeth shone terrifyingly bright in the pale moonlight. The beast was fast and deadly. He didn’t even scream. Almost instantly the shape shifter transformed into her human form. She looked at the corpse and the severed head that lay beside it. Apparently she didn’t see anything of interest, for she withdrew into a dark corner, fumbling with the little pouch that hung from her ink blue belt.

Only seconds later the second guard felt how a string was pushed against his neck. He gasped wildly and struggled, throwing his arms around his attacker’s neck and trying to strangle her himself. Somewhere in the middle of the skirmish the rope snapped and the guard managed to draw his sword. The mysterious figure leapt onto the battlements, took a small throwing dagger and while trying to avoid the slashes from the guard aimed for the part of his neck that was left unprotected by his chain mail. The blade flew through the air and pierced the vulnerable carotid. Soldier number two collapsed onto the ground and tried to crawl to the stairs, leaving behind a trail of bubbly, ruby red blood. With striking indifference the dark one kicked the lifeless body to make sure the guard had descended to the Underworld.

She herself went down the stairs to the courtyard. The place was empty and quiet except for the icy whispering of the wind and the scraps of party sounds it carried. The figure didn’t linger though and started climbing up the wall, carefully using every protruding stone to get to a small window she noticed before. She worked her way up with remarkable speed and confidence. Within only minutes the woman could grasp the window sill and a after a short struggle with the woollen curtains she found herself standing in a dark pantry. Although it wasn’t likely at all that the room was trapped, she took the time to examine it in detail. She seemed to be satisfied, slipped through the door opening and followed the winding staircase. After an encounter with a half-drunken guard, who was disposed of easily enough, she could continue her way up. The stairs led to a chamber with a luxuriously decorated door, which was, of course, locked.

Lock operating mechanisms were not in the woman’s area of expertise, that much became clear, as she stood there, indecisively. After a few moments she took some strange looking instruments from her pack and tried all of the thieving tools on the lock. None of them seemed to work however. Glancing right and left she took a small urn filled with greyish ashes and put it on the floor. She cut off a lock of her raven black curly hair, braided it tightly and threw it into the urn. Suddenly movement caught her attention. A gleam of fear was apparent in the mouse’s little sparkling eyes before, with a slight cracking noise, an elegant boot pulverised the animal. She ripped open the soft belly and added the small corpse to the other ingredients in the urn. A crude cork sealed the decorated jar. After shaking thoroughly, she chanted some lines in a rude and unidentifiable tongue. It sounded a bit like coughing, an ominous kind of coughing. The way you hear a goblin archer’s dry chuckle just as the arrow pierces your left eye. The dark lady nodded thoughtfully and launched the urn at the door and a huge explosion followed.

Fire erupted from the door, huge fireballs headed down the stairs to explode in a fiery rain. Guards became human torches and ended their lives in a blast of fire and scorched intestines. Fortress Tyrin trembled with panicky voices and fear. Cursing herself for such unsubtly, the woman rushed into the room, avoiding the smouldering heaps of what used to be stylish cupboards. Her eyes narrowed when she didn’t see her target at first. Being a shape-shifter granted her some special talents though and she went round the room sniffing, trying to make out the dense and fleshy odour of humanity from the smell of fire and ashes that was omni-presented in the air. The scent directed her to a corner separated from the rest of the chamber with a heavy velvet curtain.

She urged the fair-haired child to get on her feet, took her by the arm and lead her to the middle of the room, telling her to get dressed for a long journey. Strange as it may seem, the child did not show any sign of fear and did not attempt to flee from her captor. They briefly exchanged names: the woman being Aspethe, the girl Brunnyi. And went back to work. Brunnyi put on her hood and cloak and grabbed a sturdy piece of wood. Aspethe fastened a token of a howling wolf to the bed with a black satin ribbon and gathered what gold and gems she could find in the blown-up strong-box.

Within minutes they were finished and hurried down the stairs, Brunnyi leading the way. Aspethe had ordered her to take them to the stables to fetch horses. The turmoil and the heat were overwhelming. The stench of burned flesh was everywhere, cries and weeping almost deafened the two companions as they crossed the courtyard. Both of them reached the stables unharmed, saddled a horse and galloped off, paying no attention to the wounded that were scattered all over the yard. Luckily the bridge was clear, the guards layed trashing in the muddy water of the stream, and before long they were engulfed by the chilling and clean winter air. The horses were bewildered by the sudden change of surroundings, but it was clear that nothing was to stop them, for without hesitation Aspethe dashed into the gloomy forest, galloping off to wherever she was to take the fair child.

 

Interesting. I'd like to read more. The abruptness of the intro works to capture the reader's attention right away. Plodding through a bunch of long, glowing descriptions would have bogged down that action - save those for later in the piece, once the plot has been established and needs to be fleshed out.

But where does the "blissful" part come in?

 

That's what you're supposed to find out in the next part (if I ever get round to writing some more ). I have this vague idea of how the story is supposed to devellop and I thought "blissful" would fit. Plus, it makes for a nice contrast with the bad connotation of "abduction".

thanks for the comment, Rallymama!

 

Only seconds later, the second guard felt a string tighten against his neck. He thrashed wildly as he struggled, throwing his arms around to his attacker’s hands and trying to pry them off. Sometime during the skirmish the string snapped and the guard, gasping for air, managed to draw his sword. The mysterious figure leapt onto the battlements, took a small throwing dagger from her waist and, while avoiding the slashes from the guard below, aimed for the part of his neck that was left unprotected by his chain mail. The blade flew through the air and pierced the vulnerable artery, then he collapsed, leaving behind a pool of ruby red blood. With stunning indifference the dark one kicked the lifeless body to make sure the guard's soul had descended into the Underworld.

This is just my phrasing for that particular paragraph, its only a suggestion mind you, so use it as you see fit.

 

@Amatorius, glancing at your rephrasing suggests that you think the paragraph should be slower? Since this is a paragraph of action it should be fast to maintain tension and effect.

The first comma you added also seems not only to slow the paragraph unnecessarily but out of place: say it out loud - "Only seconds later (pause) the second guard felt...", the comma actually draws attention to the problem of the having a multiple meaning word close to itself (seconds and second). To alleviate this 'seconds' could, perhaps, be changed to 'moments' or some other word that doesn't then clash when it is encountered again so soon.

Just my thoughts, discard at will.