49 Half Assed Reasons To Reject the Matrix Reloaded

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NOTE: This is a JOKE and is not meant to annoy and or offend any matrix fans.

The Matrix Murders

The first film killed 13 students at Columbine High School, the disturbed trench-coated teens imitating the pipe-bombing, shotgunning film's finale. How many troubled teens are out there Reloading with the release of the sequel?

In fact, the only reason the U.S. Attorney General did not press murder charges against the filmmakers is because the movie was shot in Australia, giving it diplomatic immunity.


The aborted American dream

Warner Bros. devoted $300 million to the production of the two Matrix sequels.

In the time the films have been in production, over one thousand American children will have died of starvation. For the cost of these films, each of those children could have been given one million dollars.


I'm dreaming of a white... cast?

Two actors were abruptly cut from the sequel cast before production ended, both female minorities. Coincidence?

Aaliyah and Gloria Foster were unceremonially dropped after shooting some scenes for the sequel. What's wrong, guys? They didn't test well with the predominantly white Matrix audiences?

Neither actress could be reached for comment.


The Neverending Story

A spectacular car chase. The loss of a crucial figure in the human resistance named "the Keymaster." A withering assault on the refuge city of Zion by a boiling swarm of sentinel droids. Neo screaming, holding Trinity's burned corpse. And then, cut to black.

That's how The Matrix: Reloaded ends.

This isn't really one of the 50 reasons, but if I can drive just one person away from seeing this rubbish by giving out this information, I have done my job.

Enjoy your bloody film, yanks. To quote Neo, that's one spicy tamale.


The Neverending Story, 2

This aforementioned abrupt "cliffhanger" ending (aka, cheap sequel-selling stunt) seemed like a good idea... until parents groups filed an injunction blocking the release of part 3. Kind of eliminates any reason to see part 2, does it not?


Reloaded Ridiculousness

Think you're missing something special by staying home? Think again. Several times in the sequel Neo is seen flying at almost supersonic speeds. NASA experiments prove that such a velocity would tear a man's genitals off.


Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time!

Can we please have just one major studio movie without a trick ending? I won't reveal it because some of you have requested that I not, but Reloaded has a shocking surprise near the end that the studio has bent over backwards (probably in slow-motion, while dodging bullets) to conceal. All I'll say is that it has to do with the surprise return of a certain treacherous character who we all thought was dead in the first film. Can any of you decipher what I'm saying here?


Reloaded Ridiculousness, 2

I'm not joking; you'll literally feel your I.Q. drop watching this rubbish. For instance, the evil Matrix creates two new enemies for Neo, called the Twins. Their first priority is to blend discreetly into the simulated world of the Matrix, to walk among the people unnoticed. So of course the Matrix made them huge albino men with bleach-white dreadlocks who occasionally transform into shrieking wraiths.

"What's that, honey?"

"Oh, nothing. It just looks like a simple Kung-Fu Swedish Rastafarian Helldemon. I'm sure there's no need to question our fragile, sheltered grasp of 'reality' as we know it."


The Matrix: Reconsidered

But the first film was great art, you say?

In the spoon-bending scene, watch closely. First we see Neo bend the spoon almost into a "U" shape... now watch carefully (freeze-frame it, for you DVD owners). A second later it's back to its normal shape again. Ironic that a film meant for no-attention-span kids also had a no-attention-span editor.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 2

After they sucked the "bug" out of Neo's abdomen, where was the gaping bloody hole the thing should have left? Even if Trinity had the medical training to re-tie the knot in his navel, we certainly didn't see her do it.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 3

In the same scene, the "bug" is casually discarded in the street. Better hope no one comes along and steps on the squirming, burrowing thing with their bare feet.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 4

You've worked as a policeman your whole life, protecting the innocent, enforcing the law. You retire with honors, then take a job as a security guard, working the metal detector on the ground floor of a skyscraper in order to help pay for your wife's arthritis medication. You're sitting there, on a slow day, reading your newspaper, when a girl walks in wearing a trenchcoat. She issues no demands, no warnings, no "freeze" or "drop your gun." She just tears you in half with a spray of machine-gun fire, then does cartwheels along the walls while killing all your friends.

Somewhere, faintly, you can hear a theater audience cheering.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 5

Neo can move faster than sound, yet can't move blindingly through bullet time and simply disarm the security guards rather than slaughtering them? It looks like Neo learned his disarming techniques from George W. Bush.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 6

Neo and his crew can generate an infinite number of guns in the construct, but can't come up with non-lethal weapons such as long-range tasers and sleeping gas?

Would not the "exciting" skyscraper shootout have been just as exciting if the two had been armed with the Vomit Sticks from Minority Report? Or are these lives not worth saving?


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 7

You are a hard-working single mother, making ends meet by doing time as a secretary in an office building during the day, a drug-store clerk in the evenings. You are on the office phone with the babysitter one quiet Wednesday afternoon, telling her how to calm little Dakota down, to get her to stop crying her eyes out asking why Mommy is never home, telling her that you'll be there soon, honey.

A split-second later your head is severed by a shattered helicopter rotor blade, the skull bouncing off a nearby wall, leaving a spray of arterial blood on a motivational poster. Your eyes bulge wide, your brain inside remaining alive just long enough to recognize the horror of your fate. Aviation fuel splashes in through the shattered windows and ignites, incinerating mothers, husbands, fathers, best friends.

And somewhere, a theater full of young, chubby males cheers because Trinity made it out before the crash.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 8

"If you wanna give me that juris-my-DICK-tion crap, you can kiss my ass."


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 9

You infiltrate a building to rescue a hostage who you can't afford to lose. Either his death, or your own death, would have unimaginable consequences for the entire living world. So, once you're inside and riding up the lift, it's a good idea to go ahead and set the building on fire by dropping a bomb on the first floor.


The Matrix: Reconsidered, 10

It's the film's climactic battle between Agent Smith and Neo. It begins with Agent Smith walking down the subway platform toward Neo. Neo's friends tell him to run. But no; he stands and fights.

They fight for what seems like an hour, back and forth, an epic battle of good and evil. Neo takes a beating, comes back, finds his courage, becomes The One. He goes toe-to-toe with the baddest of the bad. After this long, choreographed, pivotal moment of the film, Agent Smith is left...

...walking down the subway platform toward Neo. Neo's friends tell him to run.

He runs.

Excuse me, ticket lady? I'd like a refund of the last fifteen minutes of my life. It would be like if at the end of Rocky, after sitting through the whole film, the main character just lost the fight anyway.


Excuse me?

"I hate this place, this... zoo. It's the smelt."


By their fruits ye shall know them

I had attended a showing of The Matrix in May of 1999 with a lady friend, because we are both big Morgan Freeman fans. An hour into the film, as I observed what dreck we were wading in, I walked up and stood before the screen and tried to explain to the audience that this vomitus was below their dignity.

I was greeted by some of the most vulgar insults imaginable, until some began throwing objects and one man even knocked my pipe from my hand. Do you wish to be associated with a group of such character?


By their fruits ye shall know the staff, too

After the above incident, I was the one asked to leave.


The Matrix: Reconsidered further

If you need to get in touch with a person, you can simply call them at their office. You do not need to actually mail the phone to them.


Two words:

Keanu Reeves.


Two more words:

See above.


The Matrix: Reconsidered further, 2

The film states that the humans attached to the matrix were kept alive by liquifying the dead and feeding it to the living, apparently pouring the mixture into their containers in the form of strawberry Jello. Such a diet would not be sufficient to support an adult human.


The Matrix: Reconsidered further still

Bullets travel at over 900 feet per second. I don't care how fast Agent Smith and his friends pulled their triggers in that hallway, their bullets would not travel in a tight pack like that. It takes a tenth of a second for an automatic to recycle itself, meaning that by the time the second round left the barrel, the first bullet would be 90 feet away.

You should have heard my gales of laughter upon seeing this scene during my second viewing of the film. I fully expected the audience around me join in the derision, and when they did not I walked up and down each row, leaning over each seat and howling my gales of mockery right in their faces.

Once more, the staff removed me from the theater, rather than doing the proper thing and removing the film from the theater. Ridiculous.


The Gaytrix

Hollywood's homophobia never fails to astound me. First, I applauded the romance between the two male characters, Neo and Trinity. Then I found later that, because of demands by Keanu Reeves, Trinity was actually played by a woman in shorthair.

(If you look closely in certain scenes of the film, you can make out breasts.) Where were the protests?


By their fruits ye shall know them, 2

Average weight of the common Matrix fan: 276 lbs.

U.S. Census Bureau, 2001


By their fruits ye shall know them: Reloaded

Average I.Q. of the common Matrix fan: 91. That's fifteen points below average, folks.

U.S. Dept. of Education Statistics, 2002


By their fruits ye shall know them: Revolutions

We all know that, by financially supporting the Matrix franchise that killed those kids at Columbine, each and every Matrix ticket-buyer is literally an accomplice to murder. Are you one of them? The ten million-plus buyers of the DVD is without a doubt the most sickening conspiracy of murder since the Holocaust.


The death of choice

The humans of the future are attached to the Matrix, in embryo-like pods. They receive nourishment from the Matrix, they cannot survive independent of it. They share a blood stream, their consciousness is provided completely by the mother system.

Thus, the humans are part of the mother's body and the matrix can terminate them if it so chooses. The film's suggestion that this is evil is a direct assault on female choice and the fundamental functions of motherhood. Can female slavery be far behind?


Keanu Bin Ladin

The filmmakers have admitted that the computerized "Matrix" in the first film symbolizes American technological dominance over the Islamic oppressed peoples of the world (did you notice that the name of Saddam Hussein's three divisions of Republican Guard, the Nebuchadnezzar, Medina and Hammurabi, are also the three names of the hovercrafts in The Matrix? This is also why almost half of the human protagonists in the film are of Arabic descent).

Has Warner Bros. chosen Saddam as their hero? Is this why Neo was to be sporting a thick, dark mustache in the third film?


Keanu Bin Ladin, 2

Don't misunderstand the above item; like all of you, I wholeheartedly agree that America has been the most evil force of imperialism in world history. But should the third world be stirred to such violence as commanded by the Matrix films? Why could the film not portray Neo and Captain Morpheus peacefully demanding fairer trade policies and access to low-cost prescription drugs and vaccinations via the United Nations?


Keanu Bin Ladin, 3

Speaking of terrorism, could not a film as toxic to the minds of its audience such as this be labelled a Weapon of Mass Destruction? The number of Kurds Saddam Hussein poisoned with his nerve gas is miniscule when compared to the number of brains that have been poisoned by The Matrix. Where is the U.S. military in this situation?


Still not convinced the first film was rubbish?

The cybernetic army that took over the Earth, says the film, was solar powered. The human resistance responded by blotting out the sky.

A desperate measure, but surely the only choice they had. It was that, or, I don't know, postpone their counterattack until evening.


Huh? 2?

Jamming a huge needle in the back of someone's skull will kill them.


This is your brain...

Speaking of which, does no one else have the problem with the blatant pro-drug message in these films? The idea that you can be transported to a magical wonderland where you have supernatural powers simply by inserting a needle into your skull?

Is it any coincidence that "jacking" (injecting heroin directly into the brain using a nine-inch long skull needle) became all the rage with our teenagers after this film?


Hope you haven't just eaten...

And what was that white goo they were eating in the cafeteria? Would you eat something like that, having just seen it spill out of an apparent robot penis?


Grow up

The policeman in the opening scene of the first film? Look on the credits and you'll see he's billed as Lt. Geyser ****dick.

Infantile.


Do try this at home

Interesting that the stunts on Jackass must carry a "do not attempt at home warning," but in Reloaded Trinity is shown smashing through a skyscraper plate glass window and shooting pistols into the sky as she plummets to the pavement below. Is this something you want your eight year-old doing? Where is the disclaimer?


And while we're on the subject...

With children everywhere attempting the first film's stunts, has Warner Bros. reimbursed the families for the Jello stains, torn trousers and bent flatware that resulted?


Excuse me? 2

"I'm only good for two things. Degreasing engines and killing brain cells."


There's a bug in the logic program!

Cypher, prior to his surprise return at the end of the second film, sells his friends out for a steak dinner. This makes sense, because, as he points out, aboard the ship all they have to eat is the "cold goop" grown in the ship's vats.

Of course, he could always get a steak in the ship's construct. He wouldn't be nourished by it, but it's the experience he wants. Or, they could all stop at an Outback Steakhouse during one of their many trips inside The Matrix.

Eh, betraying all of humanity to eternal enslavement was probably easier.


There's a bug in the logic program! 2

If they're so hungry for meat, why not just cannabalize some of the humans attached to the Matrix? Their lives mean nothing, anyway.


PVC problems

If you're going into physical combat, do not wear skin-tight black plastic clothes. The chafing will literally draw blood, as we saw when such uniforms were tried by the French Army.


Moooooooo

Am I wrong to say that, despite the criticism of myself and other members of the intellectual elite, that this film will still make obscene amounts of money in ticket sales? Hollywood knows how to push buttons, and it knows Matrix fans inside and out. These lowing cattle will lap up the multimillion dollar flash and fire just as beasts stand in the pasture and lap up their evening bowls of cow pudding.

Oh, yes, I think it is safe to say that once all you Matrix fanboys out there get a load of the blinding, hyperkinetic Reloaded climax, you'll walk out of the theater still very pale, fat and lonely.


Also consider...

Keanu Reeves.


Hacker heroes?

"He's been going for ten hours straight. He's a machine."

That's right. The first indication that Neo was The One was his ability to spend ten hours sitting in a chair. There's your hero, computer dorks! "Hey, check out the neuralkinetics between the chair and his arse!"


Hacker heroes? 2

Computer nerds are heroes? The good ones are listed among an elite, chosen few?

That's odd, because I mastered the complex code it took to format my web page in half an hour. I guess that means I'm The One!

[ April 27, 2003, 07:37: Message edited by: Exiled_Tainted_Love ]

 

No it didn´t, guns and stupidity killed 13 students

No, it´s more like Aaliyah is dead, I´m not sure about the other

With the money you spend on a Internet Connection, you could save a few kids a day

Remember that it is "The Matrix"

It´s a movie!

If youre 8 yo goes doing that, she deserves a Darwin award

Not really, sometimes it´s used for medical treatments, but i suggest you don´t try it either

9

OMG this world is doomed!!!
Computers everywhere, run for your lives!

...can´t resist the ...urge... to ..laugh my arse off

shape up kid, there are other things to worry about

Edit: joke?? joke? use the j/k at the end then

[ April 27, 2003, 00:43: Message edited by: Morgoth ]

 

You do realize that was a joke?

I thought the reasons where dumb enough that you would realize that it was joke...

[ April 27, 2003, 00:46: Message edited by: Exiled_Tainted_Love ]

 

Hrmm, I'm gonna have to go with Morgoth on this one... much as I may soon regret it.

 

I found it to be quite amusing really...

[ April 27, 2003, 01:04: Message edited by: Exiled_Tainted_Love ]

 

I am a matrix fan and I find your post very insulting, I'll see you in court.

Nah not really, it is HILARIOUS

 

The movie actualy is stupid but visualy wondeful, very much like Lotr (especially second part)

(people like to criticize things)

 

... by NOW.

 

Everybody's a critic. Star Wars has its critics. LOTR has its critics. Matrix has its critics. Jackaass has its critics.

You know you're doing something right if you have a lot of critics.

 

Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you. On the other hand, people object to stupid or even imagined things all the time. It was funny, but I'd bet good money that someone somewhere has objected to the movie for exactly those reasons. Also, if it'd been me posting, I'd have put the disclaimer at the top, because that post was of considerable length, so somewhere in the middle you start wondering "Is he serious? He sounds serious. He can't be serious." The name of the thread helps, but like I said, It's a long post.

 

It's been a while since I posted, mainly because SP has become so inundated with crap like this. Yeah, it's Whatnots, but its still a bad joke. And long, too! And a freaking spoiler! WTF.

 

Actually, A) I think the author of the piece made up all of the 'spoilers' he wrote about because it's a joke.
B) the line about Aaliyah and Gloria Foster was made purposely because they are dead. That's why the next line is "They could not be reached for comment" and because it's a joke.
C) I'm taking a guess here, but since it's a JOKE, I thining that the repeated referencing to Columbine is an effort to satirize the fact that everyone was trying to blame that incident on some form of media entertainment.
And D) Come on! People! It's a friggin' JOKE! The guy talks about waving his pipe around in a theater before getting kicked out! Please tell me there's some life around here!

 

Thank you dragon I appreciate it. Ralgnar I agree I would bet everything I own that someone dislikes the movies for these reasons. In fact I know some of them, their the same people that chase me down the street saying that I’m going to burn in hell because of the music I listen to.

 

I understand that this BS is a joke, but I still think it's BS. And don't you come bashing LotR 'ere. LotR is great.

 

The first bit of the joke was funny, but I have to say that the post was probably the longest I've read (scratch that, seen -- I doubt anyone managed to finish that beast) in my time here at SP.

For the record, I liked "The Matrix", but it wasn't THAT good. Also, IMHO, the story ended perfectly -- sequelling the story minimizes the impact of the first film. I may rent it when I can get it as one of the "7 films for 7 days for 7 dollars" deal my video store offers.

 

"I understand that this BS is a joke, but I still think it's BS. And don't you come bashing LotR 'ere. LotR is great."

Eze if you you don't find it funny that's fine no one said you had to.

And just for the record I am a huge matrix fan (heck I'm even going to reloaded in a trech coat)

I agree LOTR is great but you've just given me a great idea...

 

Wow, talk about dedication!
There's no special connection between trenchcoats and The Matrix, so don't sweat mate. I thought the post concerned above was a bit... lame. I can clearly see it was a joke, but not really that funny to be honest.

Oh, well, Matrix: Reloaded here I come!

 

Hey it's cool I just thought it was funny so I figured I would post it... So much to type and everyone hates it oh well.

 

The Matrix is, in fact, great. As is LotR. This doesn't, however, change the fact that people have the right to an opinion on it, and voice said opinion.

BTW, the movies don't come close to being as good as the books. Good movies, but not good enough to do the books justice. I was especially disappointed that Fellowship completely cut out the scene with the Barrow-Downs and Tom Bombadil. That was probably one of my favorite parts.

Oh crap, we're talking about the Matrix. OK, well... I can tell you right now that the spoiler can't be real. Carrie Ann Moss was contracted to both Matrix sequels, not just Reloaded.