Post for random babbling, possibly with some sense, #4

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Rotflmfsao! ... well, since S_Goddess is a lovely lass I'd guess it's for rolling_on_the_floor_laughing_my_funny_sweet_ass_off ... but who ever knows what an acronym means ...

 

LOL Lazy Bonzo, give us more stupid customer quotes! (almost fell off my chair while laughing)

 

And in yesterdays news, I reappered. The suicide rate of this board quadrupled.

Oh, and heres the computer stupidity pages, its hilarious, contains SOME of the above sayings http://www.rinkworks.com/stupid/

[This message has been edited by The Grim Ripper (edited May 18, 2002).]

 

Actually Grim Ripper it contains all of them since that's the site i used to find them. However i still haven't finished going through it so i'll post any more good ones i find (i've already got a 20 page doc of logs and quotes which i posted the gud'uns into random babling #3 [the prequel] )

Ok here to tide you over till is some 've just found from the virus section -

Customer: "Excuse me, there is an empty-folder virus on my disk."

Customer: "I need you to tell me what browser I am using. Is it Netscape 2.0? The reason I need to know is that I have read that Netscape 2.0 distributes a virus called Java."

Once in school I was bringing some document on a diskette to our principal. She was on the phone. While waiting I began playing with the sliding metal shutter on the diskette. She looked at me sternly and told me to stop it or viruses would get in.

First Man: "My laptop is running so slow and crashes all the time. I'm going to take it to the shop to check it for viruses."
Second Man: "I don't worry about viruses. Not many people know that viruses work in the back of the memory, and Windows is in the front of the memory. So it's something else."


Customer: "I found a bug in my computer."
Tech Support: "How do you know it's really a bug?"
Customer: "I can see it."
Tech Support: "You can physically see a bug in your computer?"
Customer: "Yes."
This was definitely worth a trip to his office. When I got there, I saw an anti-virus warning, which included a graphic of a hand holding a bug. I explained that the anti-virus software had discovered a virus on his system.

Customer: "Well, can you give me another computer so I can let this one rest and recover for a couple of days?"
I cleaned the virus off his system and told him his computer was feeling better now.

Hope you liked 'em there not as good as the previous but i haven't got the time to wade through the site to grab the quotes at the moment. I'll post some more later if i get time.
Enjoy


[Edit] Ok i've just been through some more of the site to bring you these choice customer quotes -

Customer: "Do I have to plug in this power supply to make it work?"
Customer: "Memory? Is that the RAM stuff?"
Customer: "...I just had 60 more of them RAMs installed..."
Customer: "My computer has 6 gigs of memory."
Customer: "I have the monitor apart, I just can't figure out where to install the video card."
Customer: "Does this monitor come with the latest version of the Internet?"


Customer: "Is that dot as in comma?"
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."
Customer: "How many keys are on the 124-key keyboard?"
Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"
Customer: "Upper or lower caps?"
Customer: "Lower case? What's that?"
Customer: "Is that the letter zero or the number zero?"
Customer: "How do you type an uppercase zero?"
Customer: "Do you want a forward backslash?"
Customer: "The backslash with the question mark, right?"
Customer: "After that is a bottom slash."
Customer: "Then there's a little slash...."
Customer: "Where can I find the letters 'com' and 'dot' on my keyboard
Customer: "Exclamation mark -- that's the big stick with the dot underneath, right?"
Customer: "What am I getting a keyboard error for? The keyboard isn't even plugged in!"
Customer: "So then I front click on there...."
Customer: "I forward clicked on this icon."


Customer: "How do I get the other side of the CD to play?"
Customer: "I just got this CD of Internet software in a gaming magazine. How do I install it on my Sony PlayStation?"
Customer: "I am having problems printing. Does this have anything to do with the meteor shower? I was just wondering."
Customer: "If I had a color monitor, would my printer print in color?"
Customer: "How do you unsave something in the printer?"
Customer: "Oh!! You mean I need a modem AND a computer to get on the Internet!?"


Customer: "My modem needs a new hard drive."
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."
Customer: "My modem can't see my Windows!"
Customer: "During that bad thunderstorm last night, lightning struck the telephone pole outside while I was online. Ever since then your modems haven't been working. When are you going to get 'em fixed?"
Customer: "What kind of ink cartidges do I need for this scanner?"
Customer: "Can it damage a mouse to be thrown at a wall?"
Customer: "The modem didn't fit in the slot, so I had to file it till it would fit."


Customer: "Is it ok to clean my MAC in the tub as long as the power is off?"
Customer: "I've been sitting here for over twenty minutes with it saying I'm connected. When will it do something?"
Customer: "This is a Mac. It doesn't need an IP address."
Customer: "I'm no computer whiz, but I was wondering which end of the phone cord goes into the wall and which one goes into the modem."
Customer: "Is there a place I can go in the computer to make the phone line better?"
Customer: "If I want somebody to send a reply to my email...should I include a self-addressed stamped envelope along with it?"
Customer: "I can't send an email. Is the Internet full?"
Customer: "I get this error when I check my mail. It says, 'There are no new messages.'"


I really hope these aren't all the same customer

[This message has been edited by Lazy Bonzo (edited May 18, 2002).]

 

People actually say that? I mean not everybody may know much about computers, but if you can't figure out some of those things, you must really be living in the past.

 

Yep. All the logs/quotes i have posted are 100% genuine.

Heres some humourous emails to tech companys:

Emailed to a corporate help desk:

I spillced coffcee cincto my kcey boardc.c As a rcesulct, c's gcet inctermixcced with cwactever I ctypce. Plcease replace mcy kceyboard.
ccthanks.

Email from a customer:

"CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"


And 2 logs which show that some people really don't have any common sense:

Customer: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Support: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Customer: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Support: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Customer: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Support: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Customer: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CDROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.


Customer: "I stuck something in my printer, and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "What did you put in it?"
Customer: "It's a tortilla."
Tech Support: "Uh. How did you come to have a tortilla stuck in your printer?"
Customer: "I own a tortilla business. I thought it would be cool to print my logo on a tortilla."

Enjoy

 

LMAO!!
That's hilarious, great stuff.

 

Well... sorry for not posting sooner, but it's kinda hard when everyone posts the time I sleep.
ROTFLMFSAO = rolling on the floor laughing my f*ck*ng sexy ass off.
It's a joke from a girl in my class.

 

Ok heres my next update. This time there are some certain people out their who really don't understand the internet -

Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"
Customer: "How much does it cost to have the Internet installed?"
Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
Customer: "I would like an Internet please." Customer: "When I sign up, do I need to be home so you can come out and install the Internet to my house?"
Customer: "I just got your Internet in the mail today..."
Customer: "I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?"
Customer: "I don't have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?"
Customer: "Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?"
Customer: "The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?"
Customer: "We're going on holiday for three months, can you suspend the Internet for us please?"
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
Customer: "Do you own the Internet?"
Customer: "Is this 'Internet' the same as 'www' and do you own that as well?"
Customer: "I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it's gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?"
Customer: "I broke the Internet! Can you fix it for me?"
Customer: "Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!"
Customer: "What do you mean I have to dial into the Internet every time I want to go to your web site? I thought I only had to do that the first time I used this software!"
Customer: "I found this [web] page on [another service] but the name you need to get there is too long. Shorten it."


Enjoy and keep the laughter going

[This message has been edited by Lazy Bonzo (edited May 18, 2002).]

 

you can be sure about that Lazy Bonzo.

[This message has been edited by Uytuun (edited May 18, 2002).]

 

Hmmm I would think it is funny... wouldn't it be that I also work in a helldesk.....

[This message has been edited by Headbanger (edited May 18, 2002).]

 

Ok i've decided to move on from computer stupidites and move onto different humour (ok i ran out of good logs and quotes but that's not the point)
So i am proud to present a very nice link to a ASCII page all about ameobas.
Please put you hands together (and move apart, then together again - repeat as nessecary) for

Ameobas

If you liked the first one try this one

I leave the best till last come one, come all and these sheep'll put a smile on your face, just click and smile

Enjoy

[This message has been edited by Lazy Bonzo (edited May 18, 2002).]

 

LOL! good stuff keep it up.

 

I liked the computer stuff better, but it's still funny

 

Ok heres some more for you all
How to relieve boredom
How Not to be Eaten by a Duck
Diary of a Paranoid Cat
Men vs Dogs
Beer vs Cucumbers
I know you've probably seen them before but here are some bush quotes

Disclaimer
- no offence intended with any of these. Humour is humour and it is not an attack on any of the subjects.
Just laugh and smile it's the only way to survive in this crazy world of ours


[edit] Rejoice i have discovered a whole new type of tech humour. The B*stard operator from hell episodes. Heres one picked out at random. If you like it go here for more.


The B*stard Operator From Hell
B*stard Operator From Hell #1

It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have it's advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad can it? Of course not.

A user rings

"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask

"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse ".. clock speed"

"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know when it will be fixed?"

"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"

"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of Laser Print.."

"SURE YOU DO. Well, you just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up.

You'd really think people would learn not to call..

The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a gruff voice

"HELLO, SALARIES!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"

"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!!"

I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.

"Hello?" she answers

"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H. HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"

"I think so..." she says

"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"

"Um. Ok"

"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PURITY TEST IN IT..."

I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...

"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD PERVY AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON.."

She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for some good late-night reading.

Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology is wonderful, isn't it?

Another user rings.

"I need more space" he says

"Well, why not move to Texas?" I ask

"No, on my account, stupid."

Stupid? Uh-Oh..

"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart in a Weekend Family Matine Feature "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said?"

I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner and he knows it.

"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"

"Sure, hang on"

I hear him gasp his relief even though he'd covered the mouthpeice.

"There, you've got *plenty* of space now!"

"How much have I got?" he simps

Now this *REALLY* *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them extra space, they want to check it, then correct me if I don't give them enough! They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!

Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.

"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"

"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says, pleased with his bargaining power

"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red at room temperature, with steak, extra rare, to follow; "4 Meg in total.."

"Huh? I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"

I say nothing. It'll come to him.

"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"

I kill me; I really do!



[This message has been edited by Lazy Bonzo (edited May 18, 2002).]

 

I should be good at this post

POtAtoes Cheeas grdgM ROCKS drayo,kondo ioda ttre nopad stunp fsrsd

There i posted

 

Ok here you go you computer joke junkies-

Undocumented Windoze Error Codes
The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation.

WinErr 001
Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002
No Error - Yet
WinErr 003
Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004
Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005
Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006
Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007
System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008
Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009
Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
WinErr 00A
Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B
Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C
Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
WinErr 00D
Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E
Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F
Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010
Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011
Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012
Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013
Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014
Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018
Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
WinErr 019
User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A
Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
WinErr 01B
Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C
Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D
System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E
Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F
Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020
Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042
Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079
Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103
Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683
Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815
Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

And

Microsoft Lightbulb Jokes
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days. If you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right-hand corner of the light bulb box.

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 57; one to write WinGetLightBulbHandle(), one to write WinQueryLightBulbStatus(), one to write.....

Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.

A double dosage, for this last update of saturday because i'm going to bed now. Nite all

[This message has been edited by Lazy Bonzo (edited May 19, 2002).]

 

I saw spider-man today. It's a good movie, even with the mistakes. I want to see it again.

 

Ok I sat in my computer chair and it colapised. It now looks as though spider man got a hold on it and trashed it. So now I'm sitting in a high chair.

 

What Gender are Computers?

What gender are computers? The debate rages on:

Five reasons computers must be female...

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
....and on the other hand.....

Five reasons computers must be male...

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
4. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
5. A better model is always just around the corner.

If you like Star Wars and computer jokes then go here


Enjoy

[This message has been edited by Lazy Bonzo (edited May 19, 2002).]