Relationship Rant Thread #6

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Kit, this may be a bit brutal but...

My ex decided it would be nice to have that talk -- only she lied the entire time. The talk wasn't to help me, only to help her. Do yourself a favor and stand her up. She is not going to tell you anything you don't already know unless she just wants to hurt you. I can tell you from experience not knowing is better (I found out when I found an unlabeled notebook lying around -- her journal, it was only a few pages but it about killed me).

Once you moved out of the house, it was basically gone (and most of the stuff in it will be difficult to get). You're being too nice. She wanted you out so she could have a place to go with her new flame -- her friend was probably disapproving of the relationship and giving her grief so she talked you into letting her move in while you moved out "to give her space." She didn't want space, she wanted to be alone with this other guy. She changed the locks so you wouldn't interrupt. I would be surprised if she wasn't using the place for rendezvous while you still lived there.

You need to realize the relationship is over and it's time to starrt playing hardball. Get an attorney -- a good one. Talk to friends and find out the attorney who has screwed over others the most AND HIRE THAT ATTORNEY. Talk to the attorney and tell him/her that your ex changed the locks on the house without warning and without allowing you to get your stuff. You need to tell the attorney you stopped by the verify the locks were changed and were probably seen. Be prepared for a restraining order -- she told you she didn't trust you and you verified her beliefs.

If you don't get a good attorney NOW count on having her getting everything along with alimony for at least three years (the amount of time you've been married). Changing the locks was most likely a recommendation from her attorney.

One last thing: neither of them is worth time in prison. Do not go back and do not confront either of them. Once again -- do not meet with her on your anniversary. Find an excuse, any excure; or simply tell her you would rather not be around her for a while.

 

I can't do that. I *have* to go...for me. I might be shooting myself in the foot here, but I have to do it.

I'll let you guys know what happens tomorrow.

 

T2 talks like he's feeling a deja vu situation here so he probably knows what he's talking about.

At least talking to a lawyer before the meeting would have been a good idea. Seeing as that is seemingly a bit too late do try to avoid any outbursts or promises that you might later regret. In general try to avoid behaviour that could be used against you in court. I'm not sure how often in US these cases end up with a restraining order, but that's certainly something you'll want to avoid, you have been caught sneaking around the house you promised to move away from and give her space after all and any outbursts might tip the scale in that regard, so be careful on how you vent your emotions, since the meeting might end with a fight.

Good luck with the meeting and I hope you both come to some mutual agreement about the relationship that reflects both your feelings somewhat equally.

 

Kit, I felt the same way. Make sure you chant the mantra all the way there -- "She's not worth going to prison."

A few little things to keep in mind:

1. She's probably not going to tell you the truth. If she still cares about you she is trying (in vain) to spare you. If she wants to hurt you she'll be exaggerating. Be prepared for two comments -- "I love you but I'm not in love with you," and "After I knew I wasn't in love with you I would have been lying to myself to not follow my heart."

2. Don't ask a question that you do not want to hear, or are not prepared for, the worst possible answer.

3. If you're going to the house -- take nothing she does not offer up front. She can claim you intimidated her for anything else.

4. Do not become intimate. Really a judgement call there -- pity sex is not worth it and you will regret it. On the other hand, a final chance to ball the living **** out of her might be fine (I turn this down because I was far too angry with my ex -- a rape charge at this juncture would not be good). Don't fool yourself into thinking a night of whoopee will make things all better.

Edit: Yes, Morgoroth deja vu from both personal experience and from the few dozen or so men I've known that have gone through very similar experiences.

 

Geeze...you guys expect Jessica to be the devil...

#1 - I feel she was very honest with me.

#2 - I asked if she and the current prick have had sex. She said no, but that she wants to. Last night I was talking to a friend (his ex) and she told me that not only does he sucks in bed, but he becomes a clingy, jealous, possessive a**hole... So maybe it's best that they do have sex.

#3 - She told me that I can take whatever I want, and that I can see the cats whenever, I just need to call and make sure she's home first.

#4 - I *highly* doubt she would give me pity sex...however, I probably would do it so I could "ball the living **** out of her" as you so eloquently put it. I am damn good in bed, and I want her to remember that I can please her like no other man can.


Anyhoo...as for right now, the separation continues...

 

Not really, divorce/separation just tends to bring out the worst in people, especially when the legal battles start. While I haven't had first hand expirience. my parents went through this a few years ago and it was not pretty to watch it in the sidelines.

Anyhow seems like you two had a reasonable and calm talk which is good.

 

"You guys" is mainly me. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Many separations are amiable -- so long as both sides make a conscious effort to keep it that way. It only takes one to turn it into a vicious incident. So, hope for the best -- treat her nice, be professional and hopefully you can both walk away without animosity.

I'm glad things went well for you.

 

@Kit:

1. Damn sorry to hear about your situation. If it's any help, here's one who has an idea of what you're going through. I'll be harsh and blunt: welcome to the club. Still, my condolences.

2. She's not the devil, god forbid. However, one thing you do need to consider is that she's not thinking straight. Why? Because there's a new player on the board and that makes it a whole new ballgame. It's not you and her having a marital dispute, sorry, it isn't. It's you and them.

3. Don't be a patsy, but don't get paranoid and don't even think about getting even. Wrap the whole mess up as fast as you can, and call it quits. Seriously, it's been said here and I'll say it again, get that lawyer. Don't make the situation go worse than it already is by letting it (and them) mess up your financial situation (any more than it might be).

It might be easy for me to say, but from my experience, the quicker you get over it, burn the damn bridges behind you and ditch the b*** permanently (feel free to take offence, but since she's crossed the line, that's just the way I'm seeing this) the better you are.

4. Look ahead, don't look back. She's not the same person you used to know, you're not the same person you were when you first met, or when you got married. Everything that ends is just another possibility. Sure, she might feel that she's "free". You're free of her as well. Trust me, it'll get better after a while. Much better. It'll just take a while.

Best wishes. (...and if things are better for now already, good)

 

I do not think that she is the devil but honestly, I think she did cross a line when she had the locks changed. The house is as much yours as hers, and she is trying to restrict your access. Not good.

That said, I hope you guy can work things out to the best for both of you, whatever conclusion that may be. Hang in and stay civil, but don't let her run you over.

 

I think it's pretty f***ed up too. She says her rotten-cespool-of-evil of a mother told her to do it when Jessica mentioned to her that I was taking "her" stuff. I admit it, I took the Windex to clean my car, the gallon of milk I bought that she wasn't going to drink because she was in Vegas, the bottle of vodka that I bought...you know, meaningless grocery types of things.

I hate the disgusting, vile, putridity that is my mother-in-law. <insert murder emoticon here>

---------- Added 0 hours, 5 minutes and 35 seconds later... ----------

Anyhoo...

I actually had quite a nice night tonight. We had agreed that I would come over and take one of the cats for the night. Well, we ended up watching 'The Princess Bride', ordering pizza, and then watched a mini-marathon of Anthony Bourdain's 'No Reservations' until she fell asleep: lying across me. I was supposed to come over at 7:30pm and be gone within 5 minutes, but I ended up leaving around 1am.

She also traded shifts at work so she could spend more time with me on my B-Day. I think that was rather nice of her.

 

That was nice of her Kit. Glad you had a good night as well!

You have to remember that on here we only know you. As far as we're concerned, you're the good guy and always will be!

 

Nah....I'm a d*ck!

 

Met a girl. Things look good, but won't say anything more lest I screw something up right now.

And no, that is not a girlfriend for Chicken right now. Though the possibility is there.

 

YOU LIE!

Me, I'm still in love with the ex, which sucks.

 

My ex has flipped from being an ass to me to trying to be friendly with me again, right after he screws up a great friendship with our roleplay group in Bournemouth.

Current boyfriend is getting very upset that the ex keeps texting me, and if I don't respond he just texts to ask where I am. Ex decided to have a small go at me because my mother gave him a text-lecture about his recent behaviour. He was civil enough and didn't upset me at all, which is a first since us breaking up I think! But still, I lay into him about it, because quite frankly I had every right to tell my mother what the hell was going on when he acts suspiciously and leaves the house in a hurry when she turns up.

I've told him to leave me out of his business from now on. I'd like to remain friends with him, but he has caused so much trouble lately and is upsetting my boyfriend so much, right now I just want him to cool off.

 

You could always hire my team of snipers to dispose of him. That would solve the problem.

 

How much? Do you take out women or just men. My neighbor is a B@#ch!

 

Wow...just wow.

So Jessica and I had a busy night last night. We started cleaning the house around 8:30pm, and quit at the stroke of midnight so we could relax and celebrate my B-Day. We basically hung out and watched TV for awhile. At one point we were playing with the cats in the bedroom. She asked if I was going to spend the night. I just said, "I dunn'o..."

About an hour later she turned off the light and stripped down to nothing but her panties...which I thought was odd because the way things have been going, I half expected her to put on a robe over her clothes... Regardless, I followed suit and hopped in to bed.

The next 5 hours were probably the happiest I've been in months. I had my wife half-asleep entwined in my arms, and all three cats sleeping with us on the bed...not making noise. I wasn't tired at all, so I just lay there enjoying the sound of Jessica breathing.

Around 8am some things happened that can only be said in the MUG...it wasn't great, because I was nervous (last time we made love (back in June) she wasn't emotionally ready, and I didn't want a repeat of that).

So to sum up - BEST NIGHT OF 2009!


I know this doesn't fix our marriage...but f*** I'm happy right now!

 

What do you mean? I don't understand... OH... oh... oooooooohh....

Seriously, I'm really happy for you Kit. While things are not fixed, as you said, but they at least look up. Just be careful though. For her, what happened may be a fluke, a night that felt like old times but does not necessarily mean the future. I guess you just have to talk a little bit about what you two want out of each other. You previously said that she kept holding on to who you were. Maybe it's time that both of you learn the new person the other is.

 

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned"

Ohh, should I make some inferences about my feelings towards someone when the silent treatment feels like being flayed

...just wondering...