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Vision (poetry)

Discussion in 'Creativity Surge' started by chevalier, Dec 18, 2003.

  1. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    Quite a lot of time has passed since the first one I posted here, but it comes. Here.

    Amidst the turmoil of battle
    A bold look in the future
    Now clear like a mountain stream
    Now bleary like morning mist

    Chatter and noise, screaming and clatter
    Whisper and giggle, wailing and lament
    Distant in the hum of flowing blood
    Withering apart, then fading away

    A silvery voice breaks out
    Interrupting the silence
    Tinkling like a myriad bells
    Stroked by lazy summer breeze

    A lady there speaks in regal tone
    Alluring, commanding attention
    Marked with wisdom and pain of eons
    Tempting, and promising oblivion

    My breath shall dwell on thy cheek
    Yet thou shalt not see me more
    Afore the end of this day
    For thy time hath not yet come

    [ December 29, 2003, 22:34: Message edited by: chevalier ]
     
  2. Splunge

    Splunge Bhaal’s financial advisor Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Nice and Christmas-y! :shake:
    Not bad, not bad at all (not that I am any kind of expert on poetry).
     
  3. Shralp Gems: 18/31
    Latest gem: Horn Coral


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    I like it. Subtle, and you even get a good rhythm going there. Well done, Chev.
     
  4. 8people

    8people 8 is just another way of looking at infinite ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran

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    Very nice, Chevalier.

    There seems to be a verse missing between the fourth and fifth.

    The poem seems to be following a stead pattern of 1/2/1/2/1/2 yet goes 1/2/1/2/2.

    It is a good poem, and my comment is unimportant, yet after it's read is feels unfinished, if that makes any sense.
     
  5. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    In fact, I used quite a different versification, a more 'rounded' one. It goes ABABA, or rather 7-9-7-9-7, each vowel or diphthong pedantically standing for one syllable and only one, no matter what ;)

    IV & V go like this: Verb, adverbial clause, adverbial clause, adverbial clause, object (direct speech). I don't think quotation marks would look good in a poem.

    Thanks very much for feedback!
     
  6. Splunge

    Splunge Bhaal’s financial advisor Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    [​IMG]
    Enough with the thongs already! :p
     
  7. Arabwel

    Arabwel Screaming towards Apotheosis Veteran

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    *hugs Cehv*

    Nevber mind him, we like your thongs!

    It's a good one. A veeery good one. I am crap at technical analysis, but it evokes feelings...
     
  8. Uytuun Gems: 25/31
    Latest gem: Moonbar


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    Interesting...was it inspired by Jaheira? It makes me think of her...
     
  9. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    Hmm... a very interesting conclusion. I wasn't thinking about Jaheira, but it would be very much like she. As a spirit, if she were dead, or connecting telepathically from a large distance.

    I was thinking about a personification of Death, somehow celestial in nature, definitely not abysmal. Even if still sombre and bearing the markings of darkness. Also possessing an eternal character. It would be the same one as in Blessing. The addressee of the speech also remains the same. Chronologically, Vision is meant to be after Blessing.

    Thank you very much for feedback ;)
     
  10. Hacken Slash

    Hacken Slash OK... can you see me now?

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    It has an intrinsic feel to it that just bleeds into the reader. It is hard to read and not want to hear more of the characters of whom you speak.

    Good work.

    Please send us more.

    [edit: I'm going to go back and read the first one now, then come back to re-read this]

    [ December 31, 2003, 16:21: Message edited by: Hacken Slash ]
     
  11. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    More is on the way. I have a general outline and practically a whole strophe, the most important one and the rest will grow around it promptly. Should post it soon. Same convention, maybe slightly different versification and metrum, that's still not decided.
     
  12. Falstaff

    Falstaff Sleep is for the Weak of Will Veteran

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    Me gusta mucho - keep it coming!
     
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