The Flame Within

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Well I decided to start to write a little story. If anyone has advice on how to structure it(the story is pretty well played out in my head, note the setting) It'd be appreciated.


Knock

"wake up! time to eat."

Ahh the 5 o'clock wake up call, always 10 minutes too late. They know I'm awake, I'm always awake. After 12 years here they couldn't not know I'm awake. One of my neighbors, knowing who I am, tells me the story of my life is worth writing down. Since I have so much free time I decided why not. Well, her it goes.


So I suppose you'd like to know where I am, but that's not nearly as interesting as how I got to where I am an so th story begins. You probably expect something like, "It was a dark and stormy night," right? Well the truth is it was a sunny midafternoon in which I was born, however to my mother and those around her it might as well have been dark and stormy. It seems father wasn't completely honest with mother about his lineage. Though that which is told out of fear is rarely to be trusted. I'm sure you're familiar with Fire Genasi, no? Well I'm not all too suprised by that either. Seems we are born with certain distinctive traits ranging from fire like hair to glowing eyes. Most of us get one maybe two these features I must have gotten them all.

From what I have been told my mother managed to stomach raising me for two days. That's two days longer than the village wanted. They wanted to kill me at birth, but my mother wouldn't let them. On the third morning I was discovered at the doorsteps of a monastary. Seeing as they thought me the spawn of a demon this might equate to murder by priest. I guess I was lucky. An elderly monk found me and knew what I was. He took me away to an orphanage within Waterdeep. A place where he thought I might thrive. And I did, eventually....


"Hey, fire boy, wake up or you're gonna be late."

"I have a name," the boy replies.

"Yeah, I know, now c'mon, you're gonna make me late."

With that the young gnome ran off towards the door, heading off to breakfast. The little genasi pulled himself out of bed and got dressed in the meager rags provided him. Such a sad little child, this Genasi. Perpetually teased by the other children in the orphange, he has no others of his kind to seek solace in.

Fully dressed the little Genasi headed after the gnome towards breakfast. Hopefully this morning the Half Orc boy won't try to put his hair out with a bucket of water.

The little boy sits down for breakfast, oatmeal as usual. He takes a bite, then another, by the third bite a shadow appears over him. Looks like he won't be getting a reprieve this morning. He braces himself in anticipation of a cold shower, but it doesn't come.

"Turn around freak."

It's the half orc boy. Seems water isn't enough anymore.

"I said turn around freak"

The boy doesn't turn. Instead he shovels one more spoonful of oatmeal into his mouth before being yanked backwards off of the bench. He's immediately clubbed in the chest by the much older, larger boy forcing the wind out of him. The little boy prays for it to be over quickly. There's no use fighting back, if he fights back more boys will start hitting him.

He's struck in the face. It stings, but he's been hurt worse. How long until one of the monks sees what's happening? The little boy hopes it's soon. Another punch to his face. This one dizzies him some. He thinks about going limp, maybe then the other boy will stop beating him, but then it's never worked before. No one has come to help him. Where are the monks? Another punch, this time to the stomach sending a searing main through him. How much more can he take? He really doesn't want to find out. Another punch to his face. This time everything goes black and the boy slumps.

A few hours later the boy awakes in bed racked with pain. He must have been carried here by one of the young monks new to the orphanage. Otherwise he'd have awoken in the fireplace, healed of his wounds, as is typically done by the older monks. The boy pulls himself from the bed and eases his way towards the fire. Pulling the screen aside he climbs inside feeling the healing warmth of the flames. A few minutes later he climbs out looking as if nothing had happened to him. Sometimes being born of Fire comes in quite handy.

Often the boy wonders why fate has been so cruel to him. What could he possibly have done to deserve a life like the one he has been given? Just as quickly as the boy thinks such things he disregards them as trivial. It matters not, for dwelling on such things would not improve his life.

Laying in his bed once again the young boy looks down on the floor where a glas of water sits. How thirsty he is. The boy reaches down for the glass andit moves to his hand. Startled by the reaction he jumps from his bed knocking the glass over.

"I must not let anyone know. It can only bring more pain," He thinks to himself, vowing to never let the other children know of what had just occured.
___________________________________________


"Wake up Fire Boy! You're gonna make me late for breakfast, again!"

"If I'm making you late why do you bother to wake me up every morning you troublesome gnome?"

"Same as always, when you're around they don't pick on me." and with that the Gnome ran off before a reply could be uttered.

How ironic, he thought to himself, the gnome still keeps his company for the same reason, yet under different circumstances, as always. No longer picked on, that ended the first time the water turned to steam as it touched his skin, he was now feared, yet he had never made any move to provoke such a response. Life as an outsider was indeed lonely.

Looking around he found he was indeed alone in the room. Perfect time for a little practice. Concentrating hard, the boy forced a wave of energy from him knocking the door open and moving quite a bit of furniture with it. His aim was getting better, but it was now time to go eat breakfast.

[ May 10, 2007, 06:06: Message edited by: Shadow Assassin ]

 

Not that I am any kind of literary critic, but I think you have a good start here. Just watch your tense's, (so far they are fine) but it's easy to jump back and forth.

 

I second that.
It has a lot of potential. Please finish it... please. I hate unfinished stories.

 

It's nice. I suppose I have some grammar advice, but it seems you could go anywhere, structure-wise. Your character's voice seems very teenaged, so it might be cool to start them at that age.

 

well I've hit an impass. I finished the outline a little while ago, but everytime I start to write it just comes out wrong. I think I need inspiration. Truth be told my artwork is suffering as well. haven't had a decent sketch in a couple weeks.

 

looks like I've made it through the writer's block.(yep updated the story) All it took was getting sick and coughing my brains out. Time to go grab some more nyquil.

 

Oh bravo. Keep it up.

 

well, I've added a bit more, and I have more coming shortly. I plan on fine tuning it through out the telling of it.