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Post Your Jokes Here!

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Taluntain, Nov 10, 2004.

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  1. Pac man Gems: 25/31
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    The Story of Two Cows - 2004 Update

    DEMOCRAT
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you

    REPUBLICAN
    You have two cows.
    Your neighbor has none.
    So?

    SOCIALIST
    You have two cows.
    The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
    You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

    COMMUNIST
    You have two cows.
    The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
    You wait in line for hours to get it.
    It is expensive and sour.

    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

    DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows
    The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support
    a
    man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
    your government.

    BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
    You have two cows.
    The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you
    for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

    AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
    You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
    1You are surprised when one cow drops dead
    You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized
    and
    are reducing expenses.
    Your stock goes up.

    FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.
    You go to lunch and drink wine.
    Life is good.

    JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
    produce twenty times the milk.
    They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
    Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

    GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
    excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
    Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

    TALIBAN CORPORATION
    You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
    You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private
    parts.
    Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in
    the hospital.

    IRAQI CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    They go into hiding.
    They send radio tapes of their mooing.

    FLORIDA CORPORATION
    You have a black cow and a brown cow.
    Everyone votes for the best looking one.
    Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
    Some people vote for both.
    Some people vote for neither
    Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
    Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best
    looking cow.

    CALIFORNIAN
    You have a cow and a bull.
    The bull is depressed.
    It has spent its life living a lie.
    It goes away for two weeks.
    It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
    You now have two cows.
    One makes milk; the other doesn't.
    You try to sell the transgender cow.
    Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
    You lose in court.
    You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

    You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
    You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
    Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
    Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
    Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for
    the children".
    Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
    The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their
    teats.
    You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
    The cow starves to death.
    The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault
     
  2. jaded empath Gems: 20/31
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    A young couple was tragically killed in a car crash several days before their wedding. Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, they inquired of St. Peter as to whether it would be possible to get married in Heaven, because they were still very much in love.

    St. Peter said he'd have to think about it, and go ask around to see if it was possible. The couple, being dead, said they could wait for an answer, and so St. Peter went inside and disappeared. A long time passed and the couple began to contemplate the meaning of eternity.

    When St. Peter finally came back, several months later, he had great news. He had found a priest who would marry them whenever they wished.

    However, the couple now had another question for him. They asked, since eternity was a very long time indeed, if it would be possible to be divorced in Heaven in case they tired of each other after several millenia.

    St. Peter, exasperated, replied, "Divorced? It took me three months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it will take for me to find a lawyer??"
     
  3. olimikrig

    olimikrig Cavalier of War Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Resourceful Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    :lol: :lol: :lol:

    Good one Empath :thumb:
     
  4. Carcaroth

    Carcaroth I call on the priests, saints and dancin' girls ★ SPS Account Holder

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    Apparently the season for emailed jokes.

    THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

    Between 18 and 20 , a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

    Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

    Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

    Between 36 and 40 , a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

    Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

    Between 51 and 60 , she is like Russia, Very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

    Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

    After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


    THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

    Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a dick.
     
  5. Lawless Gems: 6/31
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    Reading the telephone one kind of reminds of this.

    ****
    a man has no clue hiow to work his computer or internet in fact the mere thought of it perplexes him. He is watching the telly one day and some advert comes on that catches his eye.

    "Are you tired of not knowin how to work your computer? Does the mere thought of it confuse you so much making you want to hurl youself want to hurl yourself out a window?" The man becomes very interested as he anwsered yes to both questions.

    "Well we at I.F.I can help..." The ad has the mans full attention. "Just log on to www.internetforidiots.com or alternatively email us at yousuckatcomputers@ifi.com...."

    *******
    Bit rubbish i know but meh.
     
  6. jaded empath Gems: 20/31
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    First a 'phone-y' one from George Carlin:
    and now a 'phone-y' one I got sent some years ago, and cannot attribute accurately:
     
  7. Colthrun

    Colthrun Walk first in the forest and last in the bog Veteran

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    A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
    "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.
    On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.

    What a day! He put her on every ride in the park:
    * the Death Slide,
    * the Wall of Fear,
    * the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
    * every thing there was.
    Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
    Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's.

    What a fabulous adventure!
    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
    "I meant my dress size, you f*cking twit!"
    The moral of the story:
    "Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong."
     
  8. Barmy Army

    Barmy Army Simple mind, simple pleasures... Adored Veteran

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    The new Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.

    Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

    "Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy
    the reputation of the Catholic Church.".

    "This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."

    So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid. The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.

    He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"

    "Two million quid" replied the Pope.
    "TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper.............
    .
    .
    "They must have seen you coming."
     
  9. Pac man Gems: 25/31
    Latest gem: Moonbar


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    Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt,Giva Schitt,Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

    Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

    Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. Thewedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg,Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son left home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

    So now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.
     
  10. Sarevok• Gems: 23/31
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    An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

    "Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

    "Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, that's nuthin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you have a good time. All on the house."

    "Really?" ! said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

    "Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."
     
  11. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    Military Humor:

    Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
     
  12. 8people

    8people 8 is just another way of looking at infinite ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran

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    [​IMG] As is 'Microsoft Works' :D
     
  13. jaded empath Gems: 20/31
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    or "Microsoft Help" :rolleyes:

    But I'll never forget hearing a performance evaluation comment like this:

    "This man is depriving some poor village somewhere of an idiot."

    (the manager in question was joking about putting that down on someone else's eval while speaking with me...at least I HOPE it was in jest :mommy: )
     
  14. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    @8people :roll: That is a really good one!

    @ae: :cry: I was asked to do a survey about how helpful something was. Answer to every question was no/none/not at all!
     
  15. DarkStrider

    DarkStrider I've seen the future and it has seen me Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
    pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
    wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
    when the sheep are pregnant.
    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will
    lie down and wallow in grass when the are pregnant.
    The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
    He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
    impregnate the sheep himself.
    So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
    woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
    Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
    first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
    measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
    Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
    them out to the woods.
    He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home, falls
    listlessly into bed.
    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out
    of the window.
    He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the
    grass.
    "No", she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
    beeping the horn".

    **************************************************

    4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.



    It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.



    The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"



    The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"



    The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"



    The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again"

    **************************************************

    Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a
    table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer
    and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate
    about the occupation of the suit...

    Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.

    James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

    Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
    gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the
    toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

    Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

    Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
    wondering what you do for a living?

    Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

    Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?

    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at
    home?

    Chris: - Er . mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!

    Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
    pond. Which is it?

    Chris: - It's in a pond!

    Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
    garden then?

    Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

    Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a
    large garden then you have a large house?

    Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!


    Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is
    logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and
    that you are quite probably married?

    Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

    Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
    with your wife on a regular basis?

    Chris: - Yep! Four nights a week!

    Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
    very often?

    Chris: - Me? Never

    Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

    Chris: - How's that then?

    Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
    about your sex life !

    Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

    Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

    James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

    Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

    James: - What's that then?

    Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

    James: - Nope

    Chris: - Well, you're a wanker then.
     
  16. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    "Airplanes suffers from so many technical faults that it is only a matter of time before any reasonable man realizes that they are useless!"
    - Scientific American (1910)
     
  17. Sydax Gems: 19/31
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    - Mama, mama! Why the bride wears a white dress?
    - Because is the happiest day of her life....
    - Ahhhh........ so why the groom wears black clothes?


    In a old people tour bus a lady is giving to the driver some peanuts.
    So the driver asks: don't you eat?
    The lady answers: No young man, we don't have teeth, we just lick the chocolate that cover them.


    The shortest and happiest fairy tale ever:
    Once upon a time there was this guy who asked the girl if she wanted to get married to him and she said 'No', so he lived happily ever after drinking beer and watching football.


    Baaad English... sorry.

    [ October 28, 2005, 18:59: Message edited by: Sydax ]
     
  18. Pac man Gems: 25/31
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    Broom :shake:

    Or is she a witch ? :D
     
  19. Silvery

    Silvery I won't pretend to be your friend coz I'm just not ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran

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    My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
    ****
    I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
    ****
    Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
    ****
    I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    ****
    You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
    ****
    I'm not a complete idiot --some parts are missing.
    ****
    They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
    ****
    I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
    ****
    A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to u saying "That was f**king awesome!!"
    ****
    Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
    ****
    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway...
    ****
    Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks...
    ****
    Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one slide down the stairs...
    ****
    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...
    ****
    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again...
    ****
    Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???
    ****
    In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...
    ****
    Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...
    ****
    If u love something set if free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesnt hunt it down and shoot it...
    ****
    They say that the average person spends 1/3 of their life sleeping, but I hate to be average, so I'm going for 1/2!
    ****
    The roses are wilted,
    The violets are dead,
    The sugar bowl's empty,
    And so is your head.
    ****
    Sometimes I dream about being carried off by a big, giant squirrel...Does that make me a nut?!
    ****
    You're so ugly, when you went into a haunted house, you came out with an application.
    ****
    God made rivers, God made lakes, God made you, but hey, we all make mistakes!!
    ****
    If you eat right, exercise & sleep well, you still die, therefore, I am ignoring all of that & pigging out...=]
    ****
    If barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all of her friends?!
    ****
    Last night I dreamt I ate an extremely large marshmallow... I woke up and my pillow was gone..
    ****
    Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
    ****
    When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by, reducing it to the question. "how would the Lone Ranger handle this?'
    **********************************************************
    Who do you turn to when the only person who can stop your crying is the one who made you cry?!
    ****************
     
  20. Saber

    Saber A revolution without dancing is not worth having! Veteran

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    Apologies in advance to any women who are going to take offense to this one:


    Which do you take away first, a woman's right to vote, or her right to drive?

    Her right to vote, because then you can make legislature that makes it illegal for her to drive, and she can't do anything about it.
     
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