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Post Your Jokes Here!

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Taluntain, Nov 10, 2004.

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  1. Felinoid

    Felinoid Who did the what now? ★ SPS Account Holder

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    Too Much Information. The vegetables really weren't necessary. :sick:
     
  2. Pac man Gems: 25/31
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    You rather have pork ? :D
     
  3. Felinoid

    Felinoid Who did the what now? ★ SPS Account Holder

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    @Pac man: Ohhhhh, here comes that hairball. :sick:

    Not sure if this counts as a joke, but it is a funny story:

    The first time my second cat got sick in the house, I rushed over to carry her to the litter box (or failing that, the kitchen), and she freaked and started running. That, however, did not stop her from puking. So imagine this cat running full-tilt around the house, puking as she goes.
    :sick: :shake: :sick:

    I stopped chasing her, and just followed the trail of puke, cleaning as I went. I eventually found her IN MY ROOM :mad: finishing up with the biggest pool I've ever seen her make since (probably due to the stress). I was tempted to send her back to the Humane Society, but I cooled down before I did anything rash. Now she knows that I'm just trying to bring her someplace where it's easier to clean up. Either that, or she just thinks I'm weird. :rolleyes:
     
  4. Pac man Gems: 25/31
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    Two flies are sitting on a piece of crap.
    One of them farts.
    The other retaliates: "must you do that while we're eating?!"

    :D
     
  5. Jaguar Gems: 27/31
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    A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

    This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood.

    He then intentionally got in the line to checkout where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

    The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
     
  6. Yirimyah Gems: 11/31
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    felinoid, I told that a page back AFAIK. But still.
     
  7. The Magpie

    The Magpie Balance, in all things Veteran

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    @ Jaguar: :lol: :shake:

    EDIT: yay! Ziose! Why, it seems only yesterday I was a fresh-faced student signing up for the first time, and Felinoid was on about 50 posts, and not a leopard.

    Wait... That was yesterday! Damn spamming puddy-tat! :mad:

    [ August 05, 2005, 15:12: Message edited by: The Magpie ]
     
  8. Felinoid

    Felinoid Who did the what now? ★ SPS Account Holder

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    @Yirimyah:
    You had a cat that puked while sprinting too? :eek:

    Ohhh, you mean the Ouch joke. :rolleyes: kuemper's 'blind' comment just reminded me of it, that's all.
     
  9. kuemper Gems: 31/31
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    @Yirimyah - Forgive me if these have been posted.

    More jokes with heavy warning labels.
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    What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's shelter?

    The dishes, if she'd knows what's good for her.
    --------

    --------
    How many dead babies can you fit in a glass?

    A hundred, but you have to put them in a blender first.
    ---------

    ---------
    How can you tell a live baby from a pile of dead ones?

    It's the one eating it's way to the top.
    ---------
     
  10. Rallymama Gems: 31/31
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    Gross. Do you actually know ANYONE who's ever laughed at one of those, and I don't mean nervous laughter?
     
  11. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    No suprise here. I agree with Rallymama.
     
  12. Felinoid

    Felinoid Who did the what now? ★ SPS Account Holder

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    Give her a break, girls. :nono: She just wants to contribute. Y'all did notice the 'heavy warning labels', did you not? If you don't want to read it, you don't have to. :rolleyes:
     
  13. el timtor Gems: 13/31
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    Once upon a time, and far far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous
    breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would
    be death should he try to touch them.

    One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
    Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician,
    exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon slayer to satisfy his
    desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

    Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The
    next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a
    little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

    Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
    summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the
    Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
    applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
    shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the
    antidote to cure the itch.

    The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician
    then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
    which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
    worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The
    Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left
    satisfied and touted as a hero.

    Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
    Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession
    now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing
    that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with
    a laugh just told him to get lost.

    The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
    itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned
    Nick the Dragon Slayer...

    The moral of the story - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    Pay your bills!
     
  14. kuemper Gems: 31/31
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    Yep. Physically abused women and mothers. I heard both jokes from my friend Julie who told me the dead baby ones a few days after her son was born stillborn. The other I heard again in the battered women's shelter I stayed in after leaving my ex.

    I'm going to p*ss someone off, either Yirimyah for repeating a joke or someone else. Why is no one bothering with Biffle Chump's racist jokes? Oh yes, and since I'm annoying people, here's one slamming females in general:

    Donald Duck, Scooby Doo and an intelligent woman are standing on a street corner and see a $20 bill in the gutter. Who stoops down to pick it up? None of them, since they're all imaginary.
     
  15. Barmy Army

    Barmy Army Simple mind, simple pleasures... Adored Veteran

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    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,surgical procedure.

    A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

    Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

    Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,Sir!!"

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

    A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
     
  16. Cúchulainn Gems: 28/31
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    I guess we are not the most sensitive people here :D but you can either ignore the jokes or just shrug them off, after all some of the Irish jokes here border on racism and none of the Irish complained here:

    Top l' the morning shamus/seamus, there is a bomb in me potatoe! To be sure, to be sure, to be suuuuuurrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeee!

    BTW disgusting joke El Timor!
     
  17. Rallymama Gems: 31/31
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    Takes all kinds, I guess. I've heard those dead-baby and frog-in-a-blender jokes for decades now, and I've never understood what was funny about them. I mean, where's the wit? Where's the irony? Where's the clever social commentary? I don't see anything in them but a visual image out of a C-rate slasher flick. On the same note, there are people who don't appreciate the Marx Brothers or Monthy Python, and prefer the Three Stooges.

    Humor is clearly all a matter of taste. Sensitivity isn't part of the equation - there's very little in the way of humor that truly is sensitive. Just about anything that a person is or does or says can be fodder for someone else's humor. I'm not being hypersensitive with respect to the dead-baby jokes, I really and truly don't understand how they're considered funny. If you're willing to explain, I'm willing to listen - but let's do it by PM to stop the thread-jack.

    Why did yours warrant a comment, kuemper, and not Biffle Chumps? Simple - I rarely read this thread, and didn't see his.

    *******
    [Yiddish accent]
    Sadie Goldberg wanted to take her only grandson to the beach so she could kvell to her mah jongg girls. Her daughter-in-law was very reluctant to let the little boy go with his Bubbe, but her son agreed. So off they went, with the little boy dressed in a sailor suit with a matching hat and carrying his sand pail and shovel.

    When they reach the beach the little boy sits down and starts building a sand castle. Sadie goes to chat with her mah jongg girls, keeping a close eye on the boy the whole time she's kvetching about her overprotective daughter-in-law. Suddenly a HUGE wave appears and washes over the sand. When it recedes, the little boy and his pail and shovel are gone.

    Sadie immediately starts screaming. "Oy vey, what am I going to tell my son? I promised him I'd take care of the boy with my life!" She cries into the sky, "God, how could you do this? He's only a baby! Bring him back and I'll make tzedakah every day for the rest of my life, I promise!"

    Suddenly another HUGE wave appears. When this one recedes the little boy is back, happily working on his sand castle as though nothing happened. Sadie rushes over to him and scoops him into a hug. Between kisses, she looks up at the sky again and shakes her fist.

    "He had a hat!"
    [/Yiddish accent]

    [ August 11, 2005, 15:30: Message edited by: Rallymama ]
     
  18. Taluntain

    Taluntain Resident Alpha and Omega Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder Resourceful Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    [​IMG] Great, another nasty surprise in a corner of the boards none of the mods check regularly, and again no notices about it to any of us. People, what will it take for you to let the mods know of inappropriate material? I mean, all it takes is a PM or an e-mail to any of us and we'll look into it immediately... is that really so hard to do?

    In the future, any sort of racist, heavily obscene and overly disgusting jokes will be deleted, end of story. We have kids reading these boards, keep that in mind. I know it's hard to define in general terms what goes over the limit of acceptable, but any kind of racist jokes are NOT acceptable, and any kind of jokes like kuemper posted are also NOT acceptable. If you are unsure whether your joke(s) are acceptable, send them to me to read over first and I'll let you know.

    Thank you.
     
  19. teekc Gems: 23/31
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    What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
    Stress is when wife is pregnant,
    Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
    and Panic is when both are pregnant.

    ------------------

    A man is dying of Cancer.
    His son asked him,
    " Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of AIDS? "
    Answer: " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"
     
  20. Jaguar Gems: 27/31
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    CAUTION: May be slightly risqué...

    Once upon a midnight dreary
    While I porn surfed
    Weak and weary
    Over many a strange and spurious site of ' hot xxx galore'.
    While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning,
    and my heart was filled with mourning
    mourning for my dear amour!
    " 'Tis not possible!", I muttered, " Give me back my free hardcore!"
    ..... Quoth the server, 404


    For many a quaint and curious website of X-rated lore
    Found the server nearly napping
    http replies a-slacking
    Though my loins were filled with burning, yearning for a teenage whore
    And as I paused awhile in hope that service be restored -
    ....Quoth the server, "404."

    I resisted strange and lurid websites of hot sex galore,
    But my curiosity grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
    I gave in and clicked the link to see what waited there in store.
    And with the clicking, came the ticking, of the page that was no more
    .....Quoth the server, "404"
     
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