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Post Your Jokes Here!

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Taluntain, Nov 10, 2004.

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  1. nior Gems: 24/31
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    Welcome to Wal Mart!

    An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

    The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

    Dave, replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

    "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

    "And now you sir?" he asked James.

    "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

    "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

    He then turned to George, who was contemplating his reply.

    "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

    The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

    Turning to teekc , the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

    teekc replied, "After hearing the 3 previous answers, it's obvious to me that the faster thing known is Diarrhea."

    "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

    "Oh, I can explain sir." said teekc. "You see sir, last night, I wasn't feeling so good and I ran so fast to the comfort room. But, before I count THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, darn! I already crap my pants."

    teekc is now working at Wal-Mart.
     
  2. T2Bruno

    T2Bruno The only source of knowledge is experience Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Bob shows up to work obviously depressed. He turns to his friend and co-worker, Harry.

    "Harry, I'm in deep trouble at home. I don't know what to do to fix this problem."

    Harry thinks for a moment and says, "Bob why don't you tell me about and we can work on it together."

    So Bob starts to tell the story to Harry, "This morning my mind just wasn't on what I was doing. I really messed up. You know how sometimes you say one thing when you mean something else?"

    Harry nodded his head, "Yeah, it happens to me all the time."

    Bob continued, "Well it happened to me this morning while eating breakfast with my wife. What I meant to say was 'Honey, could you please pass the butter?' But what came out was 'You stupid witch, you ruined my life.'"
     
  3. Jaguar Gems: 27/31
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    Coming up on Father's Day, so a Dad-related joke.


    The teacher announced that to practice spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did for a living and then spell the occupation. Mary went first. "My dad is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here, he would give everyone a cookie."

    Next came Tommy. "My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and if he were here, he'd give each of us a quarter."

    Third came Jimmy. "My dad is an electrician." But after struggling through a number of attemps to spell the word, the teacher asked him to sit and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else. She then turned to Johnny.

    "My dad's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e," Johnny said. "And if he were here, he'd lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain't never gonna spell electrician."
     
  4. nior Gems: 24/31
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    Constantine was a businessman, and on one of his business trip he had to pass by a certain mountain. Unfortunately, he came across ill wheather that had him stranded with no place to go but an old monastery. He knocked on the great wooden door of the monastery. And the kind monks were gracious enough to offer him lodging for the night.

    That night, in his room, he heard a very strange sound coming from the next room. It wasn't a scary sound but it sure peaked his interest. When morning came and time to go, he asked the head monk about the sound. And the head monk replied, "I'm sorry I cannot tell because you are not a monk." So Constantine went on his way.

    One year later, he yet again on another business trip to the same area. And for some strange twist of fate was stranded and force to seek refuge at the same monastery. He was again given the room he spend a night one year ago. Again, the strange sound brought his curiosity to the max. When morning came, he approached the head monk and inquire about the sound. Again he was told, "I'm sorry I cannot tell because you are not a monk."

    To this reply, Constantine ask the head monk how he can become a monk. So the head monk showed him a list of mountains. And told him that in order to be allowed to become a monk of that monastery, he must choose 5 mountains from the list and count the number of trees growing in those mountains. Because of his curiosity, Constantine undertook the task.

    After several month of counting trees, Constantine finally reported to the head monk for the results. So to speak, he had passed, and was initiated as a monk of that monastery.

    That night, the head monk and several ranking monks accompanied him to the room where the strange sound have emitted. And before them was a massive wooden brown door. He was given a key to open the wooden brown door. And behold, a great wooden black door stood before them. He was again given a key to unlock this door. Next stood a great wooden white door, then a door made of lead, then a door made of iron, then a door made of bronze, then a door made of silver, then a door made of gold. For each door, Constantine was given a key to unlock. Finally, after opening the door of gold, there stood a magnificent chest encrusted with pearls the size of a fist. He was again given a key to open the chest. Then a chest with sapphires, then a chest with rubies, then a chest with emeralds, then a chest with garnets, and for each chest, he was given a key to unlock them. Finally, he stood in front of a chest encrusted with diamonds. With the key in his hands, Constantine trembles as he can hear the strange sound getting louder. Then he opens the diamond chest. He stood before the source of this strange sound, so incredible and magnificent was the sight that he fell down on his knees and wept like he had never wept before.
     
  5. LKD Gems: 31/31
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    Not to be a jerk (or show my stupidity :p )but I don't get it. He cried because . . .?
     
  6. Yirimyah Gems: 11/31
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    I think he didn't paste the whole thing.
     
  7. Jaguar Gems: 27/31
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    I think he posted it all, but it is less of a joke and more of a deep comment on life.

    Either that or I don't get it.
     
  8. nior Gems: 24/31
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    Sorry folks, it wasn't a copy paste.

    @LKD, regarding your "He cried because...?"

    The answer is "Sorry, I cannot tell you because you are not a monk." :D (which is the punchline).
     
  9. Yirimyah Gems: 11/31
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    Oh, man........ Nice.
     
  10. Cúchulainn Gems: 28/31
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    This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.
    Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
    The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
    The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
    The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
    The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
    The guy says, "I mount animals."
    The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
     
  11. Son of Bhaal Gems: 17/31
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    A young boy went up to his father and asked him," Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

    The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

    So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! " The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

    The boy pondered the answers for a few days, and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars... but Realistically,... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.
     
  12. Stu Gems: 20/31
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    nice!
    Q: How many country and western singers does it take to change a lightblub?
    A: Three- one to change the bulb and two to sing about how great the old one was.
     
  13. Arabwel

    Arabwel Screaming towards Apotheosis Veteran

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    At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.

    At age 12 success is having friends.

    At age 16 success is having a drivers license.

    At age 20 success is having sex.

    At age 35 success is having money.

    At age 50 success is having money.

    At age 60 success is having sex.

    At age 70 success is having a drivers license.

    At age 75 success is having friends.

    At age 80 success is not peeing in your pants.
     
  14. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    Very good, Ara.
     
  15. Amatorius Gems: 3/31
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    Very long joke: just follow the link and read down to the end.

    My Favourite Drinking Game!!
    Star Wars Drinking Game

    :beer: :beer: :beer: (Let the drinks flow lol)
     
  16. kuemper Gems: 31/31
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    "Someone wears the same outfit in all three movies--it counts if they change at the end"

    Does this include Chewbacca?
     
  17. Jaguar Gems: 27/31
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    9 Things I Hate About Everyone

    1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

    2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

    3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

    4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their a**es!

    5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?". No loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

    6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

    7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

    8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

    9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumba**?
     
  18. Harbourboy

    Harbourboy Take thy form from off my door! Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Should be double if he talks with Temuera Morrison's voice instead of the original guy.
     
  19. nior Gems: 24/31
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    This one should sound funnier if heard rather read. Anyway...


    There was a lady who was just not physically blessed. And everyday, she passed by a house with a parrot on the window. And everyday this would happen:

    parrot: Hey lady! Hey lady!
    lady: What?!?
    parrot: You are ugly! You are ugly!

    After several months of being ridiculed by a bird, the lady finally barged into the house and right in front of the parrot, threatened to sue the owner if the parrot doesn't stop ridiculing her. To this, the owner promised to teach the bird a lesson.

    The very next day, as the lady passed by the window, this happened:

    parrot: Hey lady! Hey lady!
    lady: What?!?
    parrot: You already know! You already know!
     
  20. Yirimyah Gems: 11/31
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    @ jag:
    Re #1: Yes.... you do.
     
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