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Of relationships and cyber romance

Discussion in 'Alley of Dangerous Angles' started by chevalier, Mar 18, 2004.

  1. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    Good news is that the topic isn't about the US. Bad news is that it's going to be quite bitter and not really much of a fun.

    I'm sure that not only do I not have to explain what cyber is but also that most of our regulars, as online people, know their own share about the subject.

    What is my concern is the fact that for more and more people it becomes art for art's sake or convinient excuse or... well, that's what we are going to talk about.

    I have recently talked to one of people who are in a steady relationship but engage in cyber romance. The story of that man is not a long one. He had a girlfriend, called "wife" sometimes as they were going to marry, and he involved in cyber flirts. At the beginning, it looked practically innocent. Perhaps a joke (it happens) or a way of making the time pass more nicely (which I am still not OK with, but which is "less real").

    However, when he noticed that his cyber girl played cyber with an average of three to five male nicks per day, he actually felt betrayed. He didn't call that this way, but it was apparent from how he spoke about her, like dirty ***** etc. Still, when reminded of his true relationship, he said precisely "I would never betray her" with a great certainty in his tone.

    Later on, it occured that he didn't want to betray his girlfriend, didn't want to have any relationship with the online one... but still something was driving him to her and dimming his brains.

    In the middle of my caring for his soul, I had a talk with his girlfriend online, in the same chatroom. At first she was hostile, linking me with the story as I was that channel's operator and the only other two were the said guy and his cyber mate, but it seemed so unnatural and emotion-driven, that I decided to ask why she behaved so... and ended up the counsel again. The two (the guy and the cyber girl) reconciled overnight, despite the great deal of shouting and cussing on his part, and despite everything he was so earnestly going to do for the sake of cutting it.

    After listening to her, patching her up, developing more self-confidence and stuff, I told her what to do. She did accordingly and it worked. He seemed to have got the point and be moved by how he hurt her. Consequently, he promised to cut not only the internet flirts, but also the whole chatting. His true girlfriend was happy. I was nearly as much happy with my involvement remaining secret for the most part :rolleyes:

    Not a week had passed though, and I saw him in my communicator with a meaningful line "only for ..." (the cyber girl's nick). I started a casual talk to scout on the terrain and get some insight in the situation. I didn't even have to steer him in the slightest before he asked me if I hadn't seen her on the internet recently. Et voila. He claimed he wasn't going to resume any romance, nor to expand it into real-life (she requested sex from him, knowing he had a girlfriend and herself not being single), nor to risk his real life relationship in any way on the internet.

    Needless to say, it only worried what he said. Especially because he seemed to believe in that... And it is now that your patience wil be rewarded for we are getting close to the point. We got into another argument. And that's what he occured to think: his girlfriend was jealous. I agreed, but said she had good reasons. He opposed. He claimed that:

    no harm was done to her because she didn't know about the cyber romancing

    Well, she did know, but I couldn't tell him that. But that's not the point here. He didn't seem to notice that a doubtful action remains a doubtful action regardlessly of his girlfriend's knowledge. As though it were all right to have side-romance so long as she was not aware of it.

    Next one was:

    the virtual is not the real and one needs to make difference between the two

    I retorted that any online activity was part of real life and so long as he was not, let's say, roleplaying, he was no less himself, an almost-married guy. His logical constructs apparently began to collapse, but he only said "maybe" and made his mind adamant. He got himself in a loophole further insisted on the difference. I replied that splitting life between the real and the virtual is the shortest way to schizophrenia. He was not really eager to discuss his points anymore. Just closed himself to external reasoning. And went on his search for that girl. And I collapsed in my chair starting to pray for his poor girlfriend.

    I would like to see how many people share his views. How many share mine. How many don't give a dime.

    Another thought that has just struck my mind as I was going to finish this post is that we never know who our cyber date is. Someone's wife and mother of three children? A girlfriend of six boyfriends? Or, well, a guy who's going to marry soon?

    Thoughts, please. Or just vote. It's not a poll for a purpose, but feel free to vote only if you don't have the time to elaborate.
     
  2. Harbourboy

    Harbourboy Take thy form from off my door! Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    My humble opinion is that the 'cyber' in this story went a bit far. But there are so many shades of grey in different situations that it is difficult to generalise. I would vote but I'm not sure what I am supposed to be voting for.
     
  3. Oxymore Gems: 13/31
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    I don't see it as being much different from other "real-life" cheating.

    A whole lot of excuses are commonly summoned in these cases: "it's just sex", "she/he was away for too long", "I don't want to get THAT dirty with my loved one", "she's pregnant", bla bla bla bla... "it's just cyber" is nothing but a new one brought to you by Microsoft™.

    And secrecy will get you nothing but massive headaches and precarious hair loss. Your partner will ALWAYS know sooner or later, one way or another. Hiding it under the pretext of "she/he doesn't know so no harm's being done" will only result in a greater emotional mess when it all comes out.
     
  4. Sarevok• Gems: 23/31
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    If you have feelings for someone else while you are in a relationship then you are in the wrong relationship. That cyber crap, those folks need to get out more christ almighty.
     
  5. dmc

    dmc Speak softly and carry a big briefcase Staff Member Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Resourceful Adored Veteran New Server Contributor [2012] (for helping Sorcerer's Place lease a new, more powerful server!)

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    No difference. What's happening with him is separate and apart from his girlfriend/fiance and has an impact irrespective of her knowledge. Whether he recognizes it or not, he is engaging in a form of behavior that would normally be considered improper (heavy flirting with someone not your fiance). It's not "cheating" until consummated in some way (whether kissing, having sex or whatever), but it is certainly inappropriate.

    The tree stil makes a noise when it falls in the woods and you are still speeding if the cop does not catch you. He's harming himself more than he could possibly know.
     
  6. Dorion Blackstar Gems: 7/31
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    I would have to agree with DMC here.MY rule of thumb is if you cannot tell your partner about it you are doing something wrong.

    It just show's a lack of respect for the person you are involved with.
     
  7. The Great Snook Gems: 31/31
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    [​IMG] The truly tragic part of the story is the cyber-girlfriend was probably really a guy. :D
     
  8. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    No, I know her. Female, attractive in real life as well and quite charismatic.
     
  9. Neriana Gems: 6/31
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    Cheating is cheating, and they always find out.

    That girl sounds like she has some serious issues, btw. Obviously someone who doesn't like being alone with herself and needs to constantly have her ego fed from outside sources.
     
  10. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    Yes, feeding the ego played a part there, which I can confirm. Truly a sad story, anyway.

    So far I have seen no one appear and defend the "innocent" cyber of non-single persons. It does make me feel better.
     
  11. Icingdeath45 Gems: 12/31
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    I think that that perticular cyber relationship went alittle far..the only person i cyber with right now is my gf..(probably a little bit too much info..but meh)but.. it's just like actually physically cheating with someone if you do it online.
     
  12. Razal'dar Gems: 6/31
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    I think that we all think about members of the opposite sex even if we are in a serious relationship. It's natural that we would have desires outside of our relationship. I think with chatrooms it allows us to indulge in that desire in a reasonably safe environment. I believe this is why this guy was "innocently" drawn in. It still doesn't condone what he done. There is absolutely no difference flirting in a chatroom than flirting on the telephone. Would this guy have engaged in the same actions if he were on the telephone instead of a PC? I think not.
     
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