"La noche ha llegado"

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I wrote a poem in Spanish because it is a beautiful language. I am not fluent (still in school), so I assure you there are mistakes (so if any native speakers wouldn't mind correcting ), but here we go.


La noche ha llegado
Por la verja de Primavera,
Y la luz malvada de invierno se fue.
Mientras me siento en la hierba,
Agarrados de la mano en la oscuridad,
Mirando al cielo oscuro
Que es tan tranquilizado y consolado como un sueño interminable,
Me deleito en el fresco susurro del viento suave en la cara.
Miro en los ojos de la oscuridad,
Similar a la luz, pero tan única a la misma vez,
Y yo se que si quedo envuelto en la oscuridad,
La luz brillante no puede deslumbrarme de nuevo.
La gente siempre le dice que es mejor si puedes ver,
Pero siempre yo diré que no podía ver por la luz radiante
Y veo más claramente en la oscuridad de todos modos.


[Edit: Corrections, courtesy of Maurolava and Colthrun]

[ September 16, 2007, 07:04: Message edited by: Saber ]

 

Nice poem Saber, as por corrections only thing I can see is

It should be "de la mano en la oscuridad"

Also,

"envuelta" is female form of the word. I don't know if you are a girl, but if not then it should be "envuelto"

One more thing,

"dirá" and "podía" are you try to say that in past thence?

Anyway, is a very nive poem indeed!

[ September 11, 2007, 13:43: Message edited by: Maurolava ]

 

Poetry in Spanish, nice!

If you wanted to say that the sky is calming, then it should be:

"Que es tan tranquilizador y consolador como un sueño interminable"

If you wanted to say that the sky is calm, it should be:

"Que es tan tranquilo y consolado (sosegado) como un sueño interminable"

"Similar a la luz" is better.

"La luz brillante no puede deslumbrarme de nuevo."

If you want to say "I'll always say I couldn't see the radiant light", then it should be like this:

"Pero siempre diré que no pude ver la luz radiante"

A funny typo here made me chuckle. I guess you wanted to say "I see more clearly in darkness anyway", but it you ended up saying "I see more clearly in the darkness of all Moors"

The correct expression would be "de todos modos".

 

Haha, thanks for the corrections guys (I am male by the way, Maurolava, too), I shall be updating it to sound less idiotic

Haha, I was trying to say 'anyways', yes, not of all Moors

Infinitives.

*Sigh* And forgetting that the 'yo' form of the future is with an 'e' instead of an 'a'.

I believe I wanted to say (I wrote this a while ago, so I haven't looked at it in a while) "I'll always say that I couldn't see through the radiant light", but I am not quite sure. Let me think about how I want it to sound.

Thank you guys again for the corrections.

[ September 12, 2007, 00:06: Message edited by: Saber ]

 

Should that be subjunctive? As:

que es mejor que puedas ver

?

 

It sounds better "puedes" in that sentance.

 

Sweet, thanks man for all the help.

I am reading it today at a Coffee-House We'll see how it goes


Now, the only question is:
Does it sound natural, like a native speaker wrote it? Or does it sound like a translation?