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Jokey Posties

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Blackthorne TA, Dec 21, 2005.

  1. Carcaroth

    Carcaroth I call on the priests, saints and dancin' girls ★ SPS Account Holder

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    Supposed real answers from a catholic elementary elementary school test.

    1. In the first book of the bible, guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
    2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.
    3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
    4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.
    5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
    6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.
    7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
    8, The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.
    9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
    10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
    11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of geritol.
    12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
    13. David was a hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. he fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.
    14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
    15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.
    16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.
    17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
    18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
    19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
    20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
    21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
    22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.
    23. One of the oppossums was st. Matthew who was also a taximan.
    24. St. Paul cavorted to christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.
    25. Christians have only one spouse. this is called monotony.
     
  2. iLLusioN' Gems: 16/31
    Latest gem: Shandon


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    It's been awhile since posted some jokes so I figured that I would toss out another :)


    STUD ROOSTER

    A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

    The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

    The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

    The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

    The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

    The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

    He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

    "Dammit.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

    Moral of this story? ....

    Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!
    ____________________________________________
    BATHTUB TEST
    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
    a bed near the window?"

    _______________________________________

    Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
    interaction
    between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Vancouver
    Skytrain station. There were protesters on the subway platform handing out pamphlets on
    the evils of Canada. I politely declined taking one An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
    gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about
    the children of Iraq ?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband
    an RCMP officer in a violent shootout in Alberta, and now a grandson in
    Afghanistan. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our
    country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass
    and open it."
     
  3. Felinoid

    Felinoid Who did the what now? ★ SPS Account Holder

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    True story I just heard last night...

    My dad grew up on a farm near Trempeleau, so naturally when he got through the proper schooling he went to Trempeleau High.

    Nearby towns Galesville and Ettrick each also had their own high schools, but students were rather scarce. So naturally, they merged to form Gale-Ettrick High.

    But even this was not deemed enough, and between my dad's junior and senior year, Trempeleau High was merged with Gale-Ettrick High as well. The result? My father received his high school diploma from...

    GET High.
    This got by two school boards. :shake:
     
  4. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    I haven't checked out Jokey Posties for a couple of weeks.

    :lol: Great Jokes. I love 'em. Thanks for giving me a laugh.
     
  5. Dalveen

    Dalveen Rimmer gone Bald Veteran

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    Heres one for you Nakia:


    An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

    ''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

    *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

    ''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

    *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

    ''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

    *** POOF ***

    There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''
     
  6. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    :rotflmao: What can say? Thanks, Dalveen.
     
  7. Maurolava

    Maurolava Neither to go back, nor to take impulse Veteran

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    :lol:
     
  8. Wiley One Gems: 8/31
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    I have some in honor of Halloween. OK, I have to warn you that these are a bit corny but my kids and I love them.

    Q: Why did the mummy go on vacation?

    A: He needed to unwind.


    Q: Why did the vampire subscribe to the newspaper?

    A: He heard it had great circulation.


    Q: Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?

    A: They don't have any body to go with. :lol:
     
  9. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    :) A smile a day keeps the blues away. Thanks Wiley One.
     
  10. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    Teacher: " What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested ? "
    Little Sandy: " A teacher."
    ******************************

    Marriages are all happy, it's having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble.
    *********************************

    A cute Highland girl was giving a manicure to a man in Dunkeld barber shop. The man said, " How about a date later ? " She said, " I'm married."
    " So call up your husband and tell him you're going to visit a girlfriend." She replied, " You tell him yourself- he's shaving you."

    ***********
    :) Just had to add this one:
    There are four kinds of people in the UK - First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on; Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
    Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, - thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.

    [ October 30, 2007, 19:01: Message edited by: Nakia ]
     
  11. Wiley One Gems: 8/31
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    Too funny Nakia. Needed that laugh today. :)
     
  12. Barmy Army

    Barmy Army Simple mind, simple pleasures... Adored Veteran

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    One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

    "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

    Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

    She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

    "Ten years," replies the Irishman.

    With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

    Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

    She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

    At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."
     
  13. Barmy Army

    Barmy Army Simple mind, simple pleasures... Adored Veteran

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    An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
    streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

    Walking down Dean Street, he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window
    'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

    "Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.
    "Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs*it middle class w*nkhole please you
    c*nt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.

    The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you
    sir?" he says "Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in
    the c*nting window and I'm here to audition......w*nker."

    The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
    need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

    The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
    involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
    "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"
    "That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
    just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nt's blind..."

    "Oh" says the manager...err, can you play me another. Something a little
    less 'lively'".
    "W*nker" interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad that
    leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks
    him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a bird
    up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end'".

    "I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive
    titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to split your
    r*ngpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear,
    you've still got nice jugs'".

    "Look" says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist but
    the title of your songs are a little racy.

    I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or
    speak to the audience".

    "damn and blast it" says the pianist "Why not".

    On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd is lapping up his
    repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing
    putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde
    in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her
    stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting
    cleavage.

    During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he
    decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he
    hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the
    stage and finishes his act.

    After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
    "Hi" she says. "Hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She
    leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of
    your trousers and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?"

    Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square
    in the eye and yells........... "Know it?" - "I Fu**ing wrote it!!!"
     
  14. Nakia

    Nakia The night is mine Distinguished Member ★ SPS Account Holder Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) BoM XenForo Migration Contributor [2015] (for helping support the migration to new forum software!)

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    :) Barmy Army, your 2nd post got a chuckle from me but this:
    got a real :spin:
     
  15. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    Phone rings.

    "John?"
    "What... the... It's four in the morning..."
    "John?"
    "Attorney John here. What the..."
    "John, it's George."
    "What George? It's four in the morning and I want to sleep."
    "It's George, your university pal."
    "Phone the office tomorrow, George."
    "I need help!"
    "I said phone the office. It's 4 am."
    "They've got my son!"
    "It's 4 AM!"
    "John, I've transferred $1M to your account."
    "I'm coming with the first flight in the morning with five eye witnesses."
     
    Nakia likes this.
  16. Montresor

    Montresor Mostly Harmless Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    :lol: Thanks, chev!

    Along the same line:

    Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an old drunk and an honest lawyer are walking down the road when they simultaneously spot a $100 bill. They all dive for it. Who gets it?

    Answer: The old drunk, the other three are mythological creatures.
     
  17. Saber

    Saber A revolution without dancing is not worth having! Veteran

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    :lol: Haha, Montresor and Chev, lawyer jokes never cease to amaze.

    And BA, brilliant jokes :)
     
  18. Aldazar Gems: 24/31
    Latest gem: Water Opal


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    Just a few signs seen in various workplaces:

    On a Proctologist's door:
    "To expedite your visit, please back in"

    On a plumber's truck:
    "We repair what your husband fixed"

    On another plumber's truck:
    "Don't sleep with a drip, call your plumber"

    On an electrician's truck:
    "Let us remove your shorts"

    On a maternity ward door:
    "Pus. Push. Push"

    At the Electric Company:
    "We would be delighted if you sent in your bill payment. However, if you don't, you will be"
     
  19. nior Gems: 24/31
    Latest gem: Water Opal


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    BEFORE MARRIAGE:

    Boy: Yes! At last. It was so hard to wait.
    Girl: Do you want me to leave?
    Boy: No! don't even think about it.
    Girl: Do you love me?
    Boy:Of course! Over and over!
    Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
    Boy: No! why are you even asking?
    Girl: Will you kiss me?
    Boy: Every chance I get!
    Girl: Will you hit me?
    Boy: Are you crazy? I'm not that kind of person!
    Girl: Can I trust you?
    Boy: Yes.
    Girl: Darling!


    AFTER MARRIAGE:
    (simply read from bottom to top.....)
     
  20. Montresor

    Montresor Mostly Harmless Staff Member ★ SPS Account Holder

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    :lol: :grin: :lol: Thanks, guys!
     
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